February 5th, 2004

(no subject)

I have got to get some sleep tonight. Last night I had a nightmare that Avery and I were out somewhere, I think it was in the woods. She got away form me playing hide and seek, and I was frantic trying to find her. She started crying for me, and was clearly very scared that she could not see or find me. I began crying hysterically because I knew how freaked out she was, and that in turn freaked me out. I woke up at 4:00AM to her actual screaming and crying. I'm still not sure if she had a bad dream or what, but she was very upset. I was half in my dream still, and by the time I got to her room I was still a mess myself. I held her until she calmed down, then brought her to my bed where she curled up in the crook of my arm and slept - albeit restlessly. I lay there for the majority of the morning just feeling an overwhelming sadness and wanting to cry but not being able to. It won't let go of me.

At some point soon, very soon, I'm absolutely going to lose it.

Just completely break the fuck down.

If my insides matched my outsides, I'd be in shreds. Bloody ones at that.

Why do I have to go through this shit? I'm a nice enough guy, so why do I feel like an emotional trainwreck all of the time these days?