February 1st, 2004

M y s t a r i s f a d i n g.........

Coldplay - Amsterdam
Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I'd, if I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.

Come here, oh my star is fading
and I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole.

But time is on your side, it's on your side now
Pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath


And time is on your side, it's on your side now
Pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to a noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what what you mean
but it wont change a thing
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge
tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose




This song perfectly describes me and how I feel about my entire life and my place in the world.

I'll be so grateful when spring comes back around, I'm serious. Rebirth, renewal - sounds good to me! Maybe then I'll feel better about everything. I'll have more time to myself and more incentive to get out of this house more. I'll start riding my bike again and lose this weight that accounts for a good 60 - 70% of my mood.

I need sunlight.
I need to sweat.
I need to burn this fucking extra person off of my body that sleeps beneath my skin and causes more self loathing than what I had on the needle.
I need to stop stewing in my life and start living in it.
I need to just do my thing now and then without worrying myself to death about it.
I need to get the hell out of this town now and then and experience more than what I am inside this insignificant little speck in the grand scheme of things.
I need to hike more often.
I need to start running again, my shot-out-hip permitting.
I need to get a baseball glove like my old one and start playing catch with Cole.

More than anything, I need to start believing that I deserve to be better than what have and what I am.
It isn't in my nature to be apathetic, but the truth is I just don't care about that anymore. That's not meant to be a joke, though I do find the humor in rereading that sentence.
  • Current Music
    Coldplay - Amsterdam