January 9th, 2004

Love is just a blister away

I went to sleep last night and had crazy dreams, one where I finally got the opportunity to tell Dianna Schmeling what I really think of her after 3 years of forcefully holding my tongue, a feat for which I think I deserve the Congressional Medal of Fucking Honor. The best part of the dream was where I told her "I suppose I should thank you Dianne, for every wretched, horrible thing you ever did to make your child feel worthless and unloved - because what you've really done is make sure that when she becomes a mother she won't be a fucking thing like you. And if she did, I'd beat her my goddamned self."

I also had a dream about Amelia Island, and it has started that longing in me to be near the ocean. Right now is a shitty time of year to be there, but I'd really like to go to the beach this spring when it warms up and everything starts being new again. I'm having mad cravings for seafood. You know it's bad when you start dreaming about crab, scallops, and fresh tuna. I don't know - it's everything about being at the ocean that I get recharged from. The way the salt lingers on every breeze. The way there's never NOT a breeze on the air. The sound of the ocean, the heat from the sun on the sand. The way the sand feels beneath your feet when the tide pulls it out from under you. Just all of it. Just to sit there in the evening and watch the tide come in and listen to the waves break the shoreline. When I was younger, we went religiously every spring and summer. Whenever I would fall into a depression, or after a surgery, and after Staci died and we buried her - I always went to the beach with the family and spent as much time by myself walking for miles and miles as I could. It healed me in so many ways. All of this cold and rain is making me feel down, but I only let it take me so far and then I remember that it won't be long until it's warm again.

I think what I really need in the meantime is to take advantage of the time I'll get in the next couple of weeks to finally meet Justin and spend the day in Atlanta. My dear friend Charlie emailed me and told me to let me know when we were coming up, he only lives 5 minutes away from L5P & roughly the same from the Farmer's Market which we're planning on going to as well. That's enough to perk me up right there, the Dekalb Farmer's Market. Man I love that place.

Maggie went to the bookstore and Avery is down for a nap. I'm taking the time while it's quiet to write and maybe read another chapter from my book. What I really want to do is sleep for a couple of hours, as I woke up very early this morning and was unable to breathe so I took a decongestant that is STILL kicking my ass.

Right-o, I'm off.
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