August 2nd, 2003

For my Damien & my Renea;

I thought up a single line earlier while lying in my bed before the baby woke me up. I knew I was going to write a very long journal entry, but I wanted one line - one slice through my skin that gave a glimmer of the red ink inside to encompass it all.

So here it is. It is always the wound you cannot see that feels bigger than the one you can.

I have my coffee, I am unafraid, and I'm in the softest pajamas known to man and dog. My current playlist is Joni Mitchell, Jeff Buckley, John Prine, Morrissey, and The Smiths. Occaisionally when I'm making a journal entry with a playlist going to suit my mood, I type the lyrics that are the reason I chose that particular song.

I'm on chapter two of God-Shaped Hole by Tiffanie DeBartolo and already I love her. I want to cook for her and share a bottle of cabernet with this music playing in the background and Damien there with me. I want Renea and Mike there and I want everyone to understand what those moments will represent. I want to smile brightly in the faces of everyone I love, I want to never feel reminders of everyone I hate, I want to sing loudly.

The dedication page of this book floored me, I lingered on those four small lines insignificant to so many like it was the cure for my tattered soul:

For Jeff

Because your truth was a soul-truth.

So to thank you
and to never forget that you happened.

I want to buy every copy of Grace I can get my hands on and give them to people I've never met, people who have the kind of mileage on their faces that tell me they would get it - and people who need the miles. I want to tell the ones who think they have travelled those miles but make such boasts without having really done any of the legwork that they can go fuck themselves, this music isn't for everyone - and if it isn't for you, then you know nothing of music anyway so fuck you twice.

I've waited all my life to feel someone understand me like Renea does, one who could bring me to my knees with the correctly aimed smile, one who made all of the wrong things the right things without even trying most times, other times with little to no effort. And though there are times when we don't understand each other Damien, I love you all the same and there is no one I would have chosen BUT you. It isn't always perfect and it never will be, but it's priceless beyond measure and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's you I've waited my life to see
It's you I've searched so hard for...

I'm grateful that I no longer feel like that, despite all of the years trailing me that make me remember precisely how it felt.

I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child that's grown old
If dreams were thunder and lightning was desire
This old house would've burnt down a long time ago

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

When I was a young girl I had me a cowboy,
Wa'n't much to look at, just a free ramblin' man
But that was a long time, and no matter how I try,
The years just flow by like a broken-down dam

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

There's flies in the kitchen, I can hear 'um a buzzin'
But I ain't done nothin' since I woke up today
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning
Come home in the evening
and have nothin' to say?

I want to hold my dear friend Renea and tell her "Sweetie, don't listen to all the right people when they say all the wrong things. It isn't their fault, it is just their problem."

I'm think about a woman scorned and embittered, and the chess pieces she moves about so effortlessly like it were a game one could win and it's just really sad.

This is our last goodbye
I hate to see the love between us die
but it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall
maybe it's just because you didn't know me at all...