June 19th, 2003

(no subject)

For whatever reason, even when I'm not on AOL or Internet Explorer, this computer keeps getting flooded with pop up ads. It's making me fucking homicidal. I have Popup Killer installed, but it isn't working on most of them. What the fuck?


I uninstalled Popup Killer and installed Stopzilla, which seems to be working. I have also established that I have gotten my period and there are no Manpons™ anywhere in the house. I'm angry and pumped to my nipples with adrenaline for some inexplicable purpose, and I feel like lashing out at anyone or anything that pisses me off.

It is no longer just a matter of feeling down anymore. I never expected to be happy in life, but I was striving to be content and now even THAT is fractured at best. I realize that statement comes off like a self indulgent blues jam, and that is more than fine with me.

Cole has soccer camp tonight, so I'm going biking when they leave to take him. I'm taking my angry CD and sweating out some frustration. I'm spending the rest of this morning trying not to resolve myself that everything is just fucked and I really don't care, because right now that is exactly how I feel - even though I know myself better and realize it is just me being caught up in my own anger and frustration.
  • Current Music
    Your Mouth - Insane Jane

(no subject)

Sometimes, when it all gets too much, I let go and give in to my enormous wellspring of internal rage. I have to own that, it is my responsibility to manage it the best way I can and never let anyone I love be hurt by it. So sometimes, love is telling someone "...in my present mood I am liable to act irrationally and you are far too precious to me for me to risk that. I love you very much and I am unwilling to put you in a position where I will lash out at you and/or hurt you with anything I might say in anger. I love you enough to tell you to stay the hell away from me right now, because it is the kindest thing I can do for you. I will not willfully cause you harm. You can trust me, and not be afraid of me, but I have to go now and work this shit out so I can be a better man for you when I come right back - and I promise, I will come back."

I will not be like my parents and countless others that have failed before me. I might be fucked up sometimes, but I refuse to give in to my anger just because it is the quickest release valve I can get my hands on. The last "easiest thing" I chose was a needle, and that got me more heartache and regret than I can dispense of in my lifetime. Fuck making the easy choice. I'm queer as a $3 bill but I'm no pussy.

Javyluuuuujah, Javyluuuuujah......

So I'm watching the Braves/Phillies game today, in part because I've been in a foul mood and because of my two favorite players; Javy Lopez (Atlanta) & Randy Wolf (Philadelphia). It's the 9th inning, Javy's kick-ass batting streak was for shit, and it's already like 2 balls, 2 strikes. Out of nowhere Larry Bowa (Phillies MGR) brings his fat ass out of the dugout and starts freaking out about preferential treatment everytime they play Atlanta to the plate umpire making the call - arguing strikes -vs- balls and what not. He's yelling and throwing his hat around and kicking dirt all over the plate, and Javy is just standing there with this look on his face like "Jesus H. Christ, Bowa - why is it always Jerry Springer with you, man?" He gets himself ejected and then Javy strikes out. I just turned it off, you knew it pretty much was over at that point.

I've been running Ad Aware and Stopzilla all day to kill these goddamned popup ads, and still - things are popping up left right and fucking center. I cannot find anything on my hard drive, so clearly whatever this bitch is is hiding.

I did get a good laugh today about something I was told that struck me as beyond hilarious. Government assassin MY ASS!!! I'm SO SURE a soulless mercenary would drive an economy sedan and wear a fleather trench. Some people, I swear.
  • Current Music
    Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash