April 17th, 2003

(no subject)

Since the last time I was in a good mood in the morning, I won't say that I'm feeling stellar lest I jinx myself like I did before.

I slept horribly, I had a dream about something that happened when I was a teenager. Basically, my mother attempted suicide in front of me and my sister. It wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last time this happened, only always with different circumstances. It was awful and not something I talk about normally, but I felt just now that admitting it might help me get some peace with it. It was 18 years ago after all, and I carry around so much bullshit with me that it's damn near like breathing at this point.

I do not blame my mother for her psychological and emotional problems, I grew up with them and didn't know she was any different than other moms for the majority of my childhood. No one ever talked about it, my father just shooed us away from her when she got "that look" and never acknowledged that on occaisions, like at least twice a week, she became someone else entirely. This provided he was actually ever home long enough to see anything he could deny, you understand. If you asked anyone in my family now except for my sister Shay, they would deny anything was ever "wrong" with my mother.

Anyhoo, I always feel better after I have a little mini-breakdown. I had this dream and woke up at 4:00 AM. I get kind of freaked out after things like this happen, when I recall something like that from when I was a child. It brings along so many other things with it that I'd either forgotten or made a career of forgetting on purpose.

So I've cycled all that bullshit for now, and I feel better. Don't pity me or offer sympathy, please - this is just my life and I deal with these things the best I can. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not, but always I pick myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and keep moving. Whatever leftover frustrations I feel I'll take out on my bike ride this evening. It's all good.
  • Current Music
    Underworld - Sola Sistem


Avery is being so sweet today! She keeps running behind me and laughing when I turn around, then bolting for me to come chase her. I was sitting on the floor with her and we were watching TV when she started feeding me her Cheerios. She's been doing that all morning. I keep a bowl of dry Cheerios for her on the coffee table so she can have a snack when she wants one, and she'll carefully get one in each hand - then she takes her bite, and gives me the other one. She's been giving me lots of kisses today as well. She crawls up into my lap and takes my face in her little hands and then kisses me while humming "MMMMMMMMMUAH!!" and then pulling back. Then she gets down and goes exploring around the house more.

I adore this child, I swear she makes life so much better. I'm convinced that she knows when I'm in a bit of a funk, too. She adjusts her mood accordingly, it's the strangest thing. She just knows me. I look at her and Cole and it makes me beam to watch them grow. I remember when they were born and how tiny they were. I remember shortly after he was born how Cole used to look at me when I walked in the door. He'd catch sight of me and just grin and grin. I'd take him from Maggie and he would coo at me, and occaisionally barf all over me, and I would just put on a new shirt and take him back from her all over again. Now he's a big boy...

That's the worst thing about babies, they stop being babies too quickly.
  • Current Music
    New Your State Of Mind - Billy Joel
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