April 14th, 2003


I've just seen the most amazing piece of film I've seen in a long, long time. It was a documentary piece called Questioning Faith: Confessions Of A Seminarian that came on HBO2. Absolutely brilliant. I'm going to record it next time it comes on and show it to everyone I know.

I've been wondering a lot lately about where some of my feelings and urges are coming from. I'm craving cigarettes SO BAD that I can hardly stand it, I have no idea where that is coming from. I've also been curious as to exactly why I feel such utter contempt and bitterness towards the mere idea of God in people's minds. It never really bothered me as much as it does now. I suppose it is because I just cannot understand why people believe and base their entire lives on something I feel is so completely warped and twisted. I mean, don't get me wrong - I support anyone's right to believe anything positive that gets them through a day, and if that's God then so be it - I just don't have any way whatsoever of relating to it is all. It is impossible for me to understand and it frustrates me. Maybe that's why I want to smoke, it's the weight of all this frustration that makes me want it.

I was feeling like complete crap earlier, but now I feel much better. I'm going to read from my book in a little while and see if I can't get to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, Mondays always are...
  • Current Music
    Allman Brothers Band - Whipping Post

Something's not right...

Maggie and Nathan went to the gym at 10, for what was supposed to be an hour or so workout. It's close to midnight and neither of their cellphones is on. Fucking HELL, I'm going to bitch when they both get here! Never EVER leave and not have your cellphone nearby! GRRRRR!!!!!!

Cole said something earlier this evening while he, Maggie, and I were biking on our street that has really unnerved me. He said "I hope Mommy sees that caye (car) that just passed us, because I wouldn't want hoye (her) to die." So of course, being that I'm uber-overprotective of her, I watched her like a hawk riding up behind us until she caught up.

The wierd dog, the one I affectionately call "Tard", has been acting more strangely than usual in the past 2 hours and is whining and moaning. It is incredulously bothersome. It's beginning to creep me out, too because some very wierd shit is going on and I get the feeling that she knows something I don't.

I hate it when Cole wakes up after he's gone to bed for the night. He gets totally confused and sometimes combative, and there's little reasoning with him. This time he was trying to go outside. I was in the kitchen and he just walks past me trying to get to the laundry room door, telling me he wanted to get into Nathan's room - totally different door, so I knew he was going to be all wierd and shit.

So he starts spinning in a circle, and mumbling what I'm cerain must be Aramaic, and when I finally steer him over to the sofa in the living room he bursts into tears and shakes uncontrollably, looking around like he was completely terrified of something. This really scared and freaked ME out, because I felt like he TOO knew something I didn't. He crawled up into my lap and I held him, rocking him back and forth a bit until he calmed down. Then he went walking through the house to the office and started crying more while bending over and clutching his tummy like he had to pee. I took him to the bathroom and made him pee, which calmed him down considerably. I'm trying to get him to go across the hall and back to bed, right? WRONG! He walks back to the kitchen and fucking goes outside! I stopped him in the driveway and led him back to the house, where more tears ensue. Then finally he went back to bed and I put the dog in his room with him. Not Tard, but Scout, the Lab and best dog ever. She sleeps with Cole, it's kind of like a protection thing.


Now I'm all freaked out and I feel very nervous because I have NO way of getting in touch with Maggie or Nathan, and because I'm a complete paranoid bastard I'm starting to worry that something has happened. Will update as soon as they get home, kindly refrain from posting replies just yet...


Everyone who lives here is accounted for, and I'm going to bed. Night, all!
  • Current Mood
    freaked THE FUCK out