April 3rd, 2003

(no subject)

I made it through the majority of yesterday thinking about everything that has happened and why I feel the way I do about it. I've thought about it until I can't think anymore, pondering whether or not my decision to end these relationships I'd worked hard to make and sustain was the right thing for me to do, if I was reacting off of my emotions, or if I was simply doing it all out of self-preservation. I am still unsure to many points.

This I know though, It totally yanked the rug out from under me that I had people I loved threatning me with taking away their friendship if I didn't either shut up and play nice or look the other way like it didn't matter. To actually go so far as to tell me that they didn't want to write me off but would for what amounted to lame reasoning at best and then have the gall to accuse ME of overstepping my boundaries. Whatever I said, no matter how angry, I never once told any friend that I would cease my relationship with them if they didn't do my bidding. Conversely, for anyone considering themselves a good friend who would claim credit for something they didn't do and actively make life harder for people without doing anything REAL to change that is not within my acceptable friendship parameters. That is why after several months of feeling more and more distant I decided that I could no longer continue finding reasons or make excuses to remain friends with John. I have tried for a long time to act like him writing me off before didn't matter, but it does. I can't help that and I can't fix it by wishing it away.

I have been told by people involved directly and indirectly that I should not have posted what I did on my journal. So be it. Again, I will die before I apologize for one word I said, so I'll grant those that think I made a poor choice to agreeing that I have no problem with anyone resolving themselves to that opinion. We will most likely never agree on everything anyway, this is nothing more than an illustration of that fact.

For the majority of my life, I have fought for the underdog to be treated fairly and have a voice. I have at times lent a louder voice to those who weren't being heard because I feel it is the right thing to do. Whether or not it is my place is of no concern to me, I'm not going to sit idly by while a person is getting trampled in a crush and pretend I am unaffected. That is not who I am. If you cannot relate, that is your problem. Yesterday I didn't eat a single bite of my lunch so I took it out of the restaurant in a box to have for dinner. I wasn't the least bit hungry, and yet I walked past a homeless man who was begging for change on the sidewalk who was hungry. I told him I had no money, but asked him if I could give him something to eat. His eyes lit up and he said "WOW!" so I gave him the food. He thanked me and I told him thanks weren't necessary. I shook his hand and told him to take please care of himself. He smiled broadly at me and I left him to his meal and a break from begging for his next one. While walking away, I felt relief and comfort for the first time since all of this sadness began. Not because it made me a better man, but because I felt satisfied that I was a decent one.

Last night I barely slept for the second night in a row. I wondered about the homeless man and why I didn't ask him what his name was or give him mine. Yes, I did a good thing, but what more could I have done to help him? I wondered when the last time was that he sat down in a restaurant to have a meal. When was the last time he had a bath or shaved or brushed his teeth. When was the last time someone told him that they loved him. The frustration of everything going on here at home combined with my experience with this person brought me to tears lying there in my bed. It was then that it occurred to me what I would do the next time I could give a homeless man something he truly needed and set an example for anyone who could see it. I would also ask him when the last time was that someone gave him a hug, and ask him if I may give him one. I believe that love is many things, but you are able to prove it by making it an action. No one should be hungry... No one should feel unloved... No one should feel neglected... No one should be ignored... And no one with a heart should allow such things to go unnoticed.

I will always do what I feel is right for the people I love and myself, be that giving them a louder voice, or using mine to angrily call out what I believe are their mistakes, or calling their bluff when they wield something precious to me like a club. What Ryan, Aimee, Cheryl, and in certain ways John did was make me feel as unloved as Renea felt, as generic and fleeting as the wind. I will never be able to replace them with anyone else or replicate the love I gave to anyone else, but they made me replaceable - they made me just another thing. I cannot and will not speak badly of them, just as I cannot bring myself to maintain that I can ever act like this didn't cut me to the core.

I never asked to be on a pesestal for anyone. People come to me for advice and I give it. I say what I think and feel with forethought, I pick and choose what I say carefully so I leave little room for error. This has given me a string of labels like "holier than thou, God Complexed, control freaked, Papa bear wannabe, manipulating, pretender, poseur", you name it. Yet these labels never appeared on me until I pointed a finger in judgement. These labels never existed when I called out anyone else on the planet. No one thought I had a God Complex so long as their fuckups weren't being dragged out into the sun. No one said to me "This is none of your fucking business, back the fuck off" before this all happened. No one had any problems with me casting the first stone until it hit them. All of those things conveniently popped up after the fact to in order to legitimize things that couldn't be otherwise. It is funny to me that I've always been this way, and everyone knows it - yet somehow no one thought it was a bad thing before. During the time I was angry with John about not being a better friend to Andrew no one said to me that I was wrong for blasting him or that it was none of my business then. The way I am with people, with anyone, is the way I always am, it was no surprise to anyone - so why all of the fanfare that any part of this was unlike me? You think it matters one bit that just because I would think of you as a friend that I wouldn't blast the fuck out of you if ever you did something really wrong? You think that being a friend of mine makes you exempt from the shit I'll give you if you fuck up? I would expect the treatment I gave to be given to me if I was as self absorbed and misguided and I would totally understand where it came from. I do not consciously fail my friends and try very hard to never make mistakes by them. I'd like for anyone I know to tell me when I've failed them as a friend and I promise to make amends.

I do have very paternal instincts, and sometimes that bleeds over to my relationships with people - but only to people who are as irresponsible and as reckless as the children I nurture when they need love and scold when they do wrong and guide to lead them to a better place. There's a very clear parallel there that I never thought of before. I have treated people I have thought of as friends like they were children before - I'm guilty as all hell of that and I accept it - but I treat people as their behavior dictates. If you act grown up, you get treated like one...

In reference to me having no right to post what I did initially without going directly to the people with it first, I already did that (and so did Renea - more than once) and it fell on deaf ears. I said to them two days before that it was important to be there for Renea and look in on her, and nothing was done. You guys got from me exactly what I felt you deserved, and if I were the type to look the other way like some would (and have) then that would make me the lowest form of life I can think of, and that would be the apathetic bastards that sit watch people get destroyed without doing anything to help. If someone is in trouble and it's not your business, make it your fucking business. Get off your ass and do something about it or it WILL BE YOU the next time and you better hope there is someone like me around. I'm done with this for now, I might have more to say on it later. I'm confident that anyone who reads this will understand and that anyone who doesn't will leave me in peace.
  • Current Music
    I Never Asked To Be Your Mountain - Tim Buckley

(no subject)

This was a very long day, but we got many many things accomplished. Damien is all moved into his new space and it looks really great. I've taken a lot of time today to keep myself occupied, because when I don't stay busy I start thinking and that isn't doing me any good in my current state of mind.

Cheryl instant messaged me a few moments ago, it went like this:

Isis691: are we on speaking terms or no?
JudeBennett32: Cheryl, I don't know what to do anymore
Isis691: let me ask you this
Isis691: what do you want?
JudeBennett32: I honestly don't know that I'm in any frame of mind to know that right now...
JudeBennett32: I've worked for 2 days to get Damien moved...
Isis691: well, when you figure it out, please let me know
JudeBennett32: I've not slept in 2 days either and I feel very heavy in my heart - I don't know
Isis691: just let me know
Isis691: I think we all need some time right now
JudeBennett32: I will, I promise I will
JudeBennett32: I want you to know something
Isis691: yes?
JudeBennett32: all of you
JudeBennett32: I love you all dearly - I always have and always will...
Isis691: as we do you my dear
JudeBennett32: but I have a lot to sort out right now
JudeBennett32: maybe we all do
Isis691: I know
Isis691: I think so too
JudeBennett32: for the time being, we need distance to get safe space
Isis691: alright
Isis691: you know how to reach me when you feel you are ready to
JudeBennett32: i will
Isis691: good night
JudeBennett32: night

I was told earlier that Aimee feels I have ended our friendship because I didn't agree with her. Yes, that's EXACTLY it. It was all a matter of compromise apparently. Maybe sooner or later she will accept the real reasons instead of that non-reason.

I just don't know. If anyone is still pissed because I said what I said on LiveJournal instead of in person, remind yourselves that I already DID that two days before I made the post, thus inciting the anger necessary for me to write it in the first place. Remind yourselves that it is my journal, I'll say what I want to say on it. Remind yourselves that if you don't want to read what I have to say, no one is forcing you. If you're still pissed, go soak your head.

I just don't know. There is a big part of me that is still in shock and going "W h o a... You just made your love for me a weapon to punish me with!" on repeat. I can't get past that one thing just now. So I don't know.

I'm dirty as all hell, yet I'm too tired to even shower. My hair is way grown out too, I have to cut that off tomorrow. I'm hoping for quiet tomorrow, a day of quiet and peace. I'm going to get up and have my coffee, and take my time getting through the morning. Tomorrow is going to be a Jeff Buckley day.
  • Current Music
    I Woke Up In A Strange Place - Jeff Buckley