April 1st, 2003

You Unfriends Make Me Fucking Sick

But let me tell you why. Excluding Katie, who has at least tried to make amends, it is time for a lesson in friendship for the unenlightened.

In light of my friend Renea's last post, and understand that I have earned the right to call her my friend as I've been there for whatever she has needed, and made time when I had none in some of the darkest days of her life, I want it known that I am ashamed of you motherfuckers whom I personally told needed to be more of a friend to her, and anyone else too busy to bother yourselves. You make me question whether or not you have earned the right to call ME your friend. If you wouldn't make the time for Renea when she needed you, several of whom lived with her without adequately compensating her for it, what reason do I have to think you would do the same for me if I needed to depend on you?

Face it people, you failed - you failed fucking miserably. All your "She knows I'm there if she needs me" and "I'm so busy, I just don't have 5 minutes to spare" are not good enough. You don't have any excuses. I told you she was in pain, she was lonely, she was scared, and she needed you. SHE told you the same in countless phone messages and journal posts.

I hope you all feel guilty as hell, I hope you all feel like complete shit. I hope you choke on feeling so bad you can't even fucking breathe. I hope you lose sleep, I hope you cry, I hope you hurt.

I wished any one of you even TRY to talk to me about this. I will make this entire post sound like Mother Goddamn Goose compared to the treatment you will get from me in person.

In conclusion, fuck you all. Fuck you until you eat your own shit, get on your knees and beg that girl to forgive your sorry asses. Fuck you until you make a concerted effort toward being there when someone ELSE needs YOU, instead of just taking when YOU need something.

I dare you to argue on word of this, I swear I do.
  • Current Music
    Houndog - Elvis Presley

I'm not apologizing for one word of my last post.

If I didn't love you people, in spite of how furious I am, I wouldn't bother. I am still very highly upset over the reasons I said what I said in the first place. You guys haven't been there to hear her cries, you haven't been there when you should have been. THAT is why I'm pissed. In two weeks you could have managed more than enough time and you didn't. I would feel the same way if it were you in the same situation, each of you should know that. That's what this is all about.

The agreement was to keep petty, insignificant shit off of LiveJournal, NOT calling out what amounts to ignoring a suicidal friend. What kind of friend would I be to any of YOU that was made to feel like she feels and I looked the other way?

You're getting pissed at me before even going to her to apologize and understanding why I'm upset with you. That makes NO sense to me.

It comes to this - I've been nothing but supportive of each of you until now, and have not once failed you as a friend. I'm pissed because you have let one of our family members down, and yet I've overstepped MY boundaries. Where are your priorities? If you at least tried to make it up to her, there would be no anger on my part. What good are you doing her, yourselves, or me for that matter? I'm supposed to just button my lip like it doesn't matter? Please.

What a sad day this turned out to be

I talked to Cheryl about her email to me from earlier today. I'm not sure what got resolved between us, but she did make an excellent point about people I thought were friends to both me and Renea. I agree that if you were the friends you claim you are, you would never be this sorry and I wouldn't have expected better for Renea from you than what she got. I suppose that it was my mistake in misjudging from the get go if this is what everything amounts to, but I honestly thought higher of my friends than that.

As it stands now, I'm shocked to see the results of push coming to shove, though I'm asked why I am surprised. I thought better of you all than what you've allowed yourselves to be, and thought that you would never be guilty of forsaking another family member.

I still cannot fathom how anyone would take the pain and struggle of a dear friend who was suicidal and consider it just that person wanting attention, but I'm told that is how you saw Renea. After everything she's done for you, you specifically being Ryan & Aimee, that you would cast her pain aside so quickly just horrifies me. What if I didn't call her when I did? She'd be dead now and all that would be left is what you should have done, could have done, but didn't do.

I said a lot of things in my initial post, very angry things, and your behaviors warranted every word - but I didn't gamble on our friendships or threaten to rescind mine with you. That you would dangle your friendships with me in front of my face and use them as some kind of threat or bargaining tool - you've effectively gone and ended these friendships I valued so much. After everything I've done to support you guys in the face of so much adversity, with my track record of never ONCE failing you when you needed me, you imply that I have a God complex and a desire for martyrdom. If you truly believe this, then it is you who truly don't know me, not the other way around. I've done everything I ever said I would do for you guys and never once said I'd do something I didn't do.

The fact is that if any of you were in Renea's situation, I would have done the same for you - and I wouldn't be the asshole you're trying to make me, I'd just be a good friend who was looking out for you and calling others out on not being there for you. Being a "better" friend than the next one is not part of the equation - it's being a good one all of the time and staying consistent. In that regard I've never failed any of my friends, you cannot say the same.

So I give up. It's over, I'm dead to you. Now I have to find a way to live with that fact. Ryan & Aimee, I have always loved you dearly, but your choices have dictated mine. I will not have done to me what you have done to Renea, wondering from now on if I can depend on you if I need to. It pains me, but you made it necessary. By the time you realize what permanent damage you've done, it will no longer matter. I'm left with nothing but a felt understanding of how sad this all is, and how clearly neither of you care. I only wished that it were as easy for me to write you off as it is for you to write me off. Maybe then I'd have better peace with it.

I hope for a day when none of this matters to me anymore, as it is you leave me feeling incredible sadness. I called your bluff. Congratulations, you both got what you wanted.
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