October 18th, 2002

Thank Dog It's Friday!!!


Tomorrow is the Arts By The River show downtown that I'm going to help with, then I'm going in to work to do Open House Party tomorrow night for Al. I've got to make a ton of cd's today for Ellen & Damon at work - they're wanting Jennifer Nettles and Jeff Buckley. Some I can do tomorrow evening here at the station in the Production Room if I cannot get them today.

I need to call Uncle Frank today and see what time we're expected tomorrow, and whether or not we can load up some stuff this evening or wait until tomorrow morning. It would be great if we could get some of it done today.

I had the strangest dream, I woke up not knowing where I was and being VERY confuzzled. The only thing is I have NO recollection of the dream at all! I can't remember a damn thing about it!

Some things reoccurred to me yesterday at two different times. The first was when I was giving Avery a bottle and she looked up at me and smiled while taking it, then reached up and played with my goatee. She loves doing that. The other was when I went to school in the afternoon to pick up Cole. He came walking toward me with his class, grinning like he cat that ate the canary, ran right up to me and gave me a big old bear hug. We were walking home when Cole insisted I bend down so he could give me a kiss - then he gave me one and told me he loved me and ran up ahead of us with his jacket like a Superman cape flying in the breeze behind him.

I got tears in my eyes when I stood back up and noticed Avery was turned backwards in the stroller to look up at me and grin as if to say "Well what about me?" I kissed and tickled her - I couldn't help it. She giggled and thrashed her little arms around. I stood back up to continue walking back home and BLAM!... It hit me: How could anyone harm children like these? What would I do if anyone ever did? What would I do if anything ever happened to them? I couldn't even imagine it! I would die, I swear I would. I promised Shane that I would always look after Maggie, Haley, & Cole. Avery depends on me for so many things in a day, and she's growing SO fast it is unbelievable. Every day she's that much closer to crawling. I'm sure she will actually BE crawling by Halloween.

The other thing I realized is that I miss John and want to be able to give him a hug one day. I love John and hope he's well.

Yolanda (receptionist at work) told me yesterday I would make a great father. She asked me if I were interested in having children of my own. I told her yes, I wanted children one day - but not biological ones. There are two reasons for this. The first is that I think it is completely selfish to have biological children in this day and age when there are millions of kids everywhere who are in desperate need of love and care. The other is that with me drug history being what it is, I'm scared of what I would do to that innocent egg. My sperm probably still has enough toxins in it to strip the paint off a Buick, a suspicion I can assure you I make with abject humiliation, though I have ingested no chemical substances without a prescription in well over 10 years.

Avery has a lion costume for Halloween, and her Uncle Damien bought her a "Little Devil" one last night - that is actually a 2 piece suit for everyday wear. I bought Cole a Harry Potter costume on Tuesday, and don't you know that every day this week after school that child insists on wearing it and even makes me draw a zig zag scar on his forehead. Then he goes outside with his Nimbus 2000™ and plays Quidditch in the back yard with the dogs. Occaisionally you can hear him summonning them with a hearty "Come, Bitches!"
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