September 23rd, 2002

I'm Irritated With Some Folks, You'll Know If I'm Talking About You Here...

I look around me and I feel all of the empathy in the world for people who complain about serious life problems that they have actually earned the fucking right to bitch about. But I'm not in the habit of molly-coddling (enabling) people who bitch about their stuff like the entire weight of the world is on their shoulders and life has lost its meaning. I am growing resentful of you guys, and I'm not just singling out the obvious one who's on my piss list.

For those of you who think you need drugs and alcohol to make your lives tragic; For those of you looking to legitimize your bad behavior; For those of you whining and not making a contribution to justify said whining; and for those of you generally being reckless and irresponsible... - FUCK YOU. MOTHERFUCK YOU.

You just remember something while you're being stupid, knowing full well how I feel about stupid people. When these "problems" and "escape mechanisms" and various other bullshit of the same ilk comes back to fuck you royally, I'm going to be the first to look you in the goddamned face and say "Well, what the fuck did you expect, you dumbass? This all happened because you asked for it, BEGGED for it, and MADE it happen"

We are responsible for ourselves and our actions. It doesn't matter what this one did or that one said. No one breaks your heart, you run the risk of being hurt when you choose to get involved. You are not responsible for what others say or do, you are ONLY responsible for how you react to it. Shit happens, we all have shit in our lives, yours is not bigger than the next one. Stop getting addicted to drama and to people. Get stuff of your own to do that doesn't involve the people you know. Get outside and get sonme exercise. Win the lottery and become independently wealthy or get a fucking job. Spend your free time (or which there is considerable for at least three or four of you) actively looking for work and less goofing off.

Not one of you is homeless. Not one of you is left without choices and options to make it better. Not one of you is starving. Not one of you is alone in the world. Not one of you is being beaten up on a regular basis. Not one of you is dying from a fatal disease and is wracked with pain just trying to breathe. Not one of you is giving back as much as you get.

You're all a bunch of whiney candyasses and you need to suck it up and get with the fucking program. I have no patience for your bullshit A N Y M O R E. You have no more excuses, the ones you've been using up until now are threadbare. The only real problems some of you have are the ones you have made for yourselves. The only thing I hate more than the blatantly stupid is when seemingly intelligent people act stupidly.

Know this - I am about to be 32 years old and have done enough living for 5 people. I have made every bad choice in the book and have a past that would make Robert Downey Jr. himself say "Dude, THAT'S just wrong..." But I've chosen to make my life better by doing the work for myself in order to make that happen. I do not complain about trivial bullshit like it matters in the least. I make a contribution wherever I can. If I DO bitch about something, believe I've more than earned the right to do so. So don't come at me with your nonsense and drama unless you're ready to be called out on it. I'm fed up with it.

To end this on a lighter, positive note, congrats, love, and respect to my friend Cheryl for having some balls, for being fearless, and for ignoring the pain long enough to get the job done. I'm proud of you, sweetie - you did all of that on your own for yourself and no one else, and I'm as pleased as I can be. ::grins::
  • Current Music
    Forget Her ("Grace" outtake) - Jeff Buckley

Jesus H. Christ...

This is transcribed from the phone call I just had a few moments ago that has since put me in a tailspin....

me: "107Q, Good Morning!"
Paige: "...I'm begging you to forgive me. Please just listen to me. He's been gone for 2 weeks now. He's hit me for the last time. He's cursed me and my kids out for the last time. He's been stealing money from me and I'm going to the bank this morning to get proof of this and when I do, he's going to jail."
me: "Give me one reason why I should think this time will be any different than the last one, Paige - and you'd better make it good, I mean it."
Paige: "My kids have got to be priority for the rest of my life, because I've not taken their best interests like I should have and I feel horrible for it. Please, I'm begging you and Maggie to forgive me."
me: "Paige, let me call you later on this afternoon when I've had a chance to think about this."

Okay. I'm listening to this and hearing the urgency in her voice and remembering that I have already written her off and chosen to have nothing to do with her from now on. I no sooner hang up the phone when I'm in tears and walking around the studio in circles with my head in my hands, just crying.

I love Paige. I hate the choices she has made and I have not spent enough time explaining to her just how bad those choices are. I was keeping her in mind in writing some of the things on my last post. I pride myself on "calling it out" and yet with her I have felt like I have spent more time trying to build her up and not enough tellingher how much I hate her choices and precisely why I hate them.

So this is what I'm thinking. I'm going to make a list of everything I want her to know. I'm going to talk to her and let her know that I cannot take being disappointed by her again, not after this seemingly endless series of humiliations. I miss Sean and Shannon, her children. I tried my best to be a positive roloe model for them, and for a time they were learning to respect themselves because she sure as hell wasn't imparting that onto them be her examples.

The truth is I want to believe her more than I actually do. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do at this point. One thing is for sure, though. I've fucked up and been forgiven for my bad choices by people who loved me enough to not give up and write me off like I have with her. Now I'm not so sure I should have made that decision a permanent one. When have I ever denied someone who needed my help before? I have to have a long talk with myself after this shift is over and I go home.
  • Current Music
    A Place For You - JNB