July 26th, 2002

Vive l'Oignon! A "Best Of" retrospective...

VOLUME 35 ISSUE 28 — 11 AUGUST 1999
Home-Schooled Student Opens Fire On Breakfast Nook
OCALA, FL—In the latest act of youth violence to shock the nation, 14-year-old home-schooler Jeffrey Kunz opened fire on the family breakfast nook Tuesday, killing three and injuring two. "We were just about to start Jeffrey's algebra lesson when I heard several loud pops," said Iris Kunz, 44, the assailant's mother/ teacher and one of the injured. "But then I saw blood on Jeffrey's sister Melissa and realized that someone was shooting." The gun-wielding teen, who was eventually subdued by SWAT-team agents, was said to be angry at his mother over an algebra grade.

VOLUME 37 ISSUE 12 — 4 APRIL 2001
Everything A Goddamn Ordeal In Area Family
HUNTINGTON, WV—Absolutely everything, from ordering a pizza to going out to the movies, has to be a huge goddamn ordeal for the Flemings, father Bryce Fleming reported Tuesday. "Just once, could we maybe sit down and watch some goddamn TV together without the whole thing devolving into an all-night screaming match?" Fleming asked wife Tanya Fleming. "Could we?" Fleming went on to ask if that could happen once in the history of their goddamn household.

Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell
SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday, ferociously banging on the percussion instrument for more than five minutes in an effort to produce the loudest sound humanly possible. "Ah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah- yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah," the 7-year-old Armbrister shouted atonally as he banged away on the cowbell, drowning out music teacher Brenda Noonan's impassioned pleas for him to stop. Noonan assured parents and reporters that, in the future, Armbrister would be assigned triangle duty.

VOLUME 37 ISSUE 34 — 26 SEPTEMBER 2001 (Holy Fucking Shit Issue)
Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone
ROYAL OAK, MI— Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday that he was a terrorist who killed a bunch of people. "I did not kill anybody," Bahri told classmate Douglas Allenby. "And my dad didn't, either, okay?" Also implicated in the Sept. 11 attacks was 9-year-old Rajesh Soonachian, a Lincoln Elementary fourth-grader of Indian descent.

VOLUME 37 ISSUE 34 — 26 SEPTEMBER 2001 (Holy Fucking Shit Issue)
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers
WASHINGTON, DC— In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For All.'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren's home could not be confirmed as of press time.

Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident
SAN FRANCISCO—Randall Konerko, a 39-year-old database administrator looking for a new job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a letter of recommendation from his former employer makes no reference to the Dec. 11 balls-copying incident that led to his dismissal. "Whew, that's a relief," said Konerko after an interview with Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Alland would mention that whole thing, but, mercifully, he didn't." Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in testicular Xeroxing, even if it's 2 a.m. and the office seems to be completely empty.

6-Year-Old Cries When Told MTM Productions Kitten Dead By Now
RYE, NY—Following a WKRP In Cincinnati rerun Friday, 6-year-old Megan Connor was devastated to learn that the mewling orange kitten in the MTM Productions logo has almost certainly been dead for years. "All I said was that that kitten was around back when I was a kid, so it probably died 15 or 20 years ago," said father Bruce Connor, 39. "Now she won't come out of her room." Megan's parents plan to forbid Megan from watching Family Ties reruns for fear of having to explain the whereabouts of Ubu.

VOLUME 36 ISSUE 15 — 26 APRIL 2000
Country Singer Trying To Think Of Rhyme For 'Shove You'
GREEN BRIER, TN—Country singer Ricky Lee Dean, nearing completion of a new song, reported Sunday that he is struggling to find a rhyme for "shove you." "It's a tune about a fella who gets drunk and mistreats his gal, and he's trying to explain to her why he acts that way," Dean said. "The line goes, 'Just because I shove you / That don't mean I don't...' but I can't seem to finish it." Dean is also trying to come up with a rhyme for "down a flight of stairs."

VOLUME 36 ISSUE 27 — 9 AUGUST 2000
Republicans' 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' Plan Criticized
WASHINGTON, DC—A plank in the Republican Party platform calling for a "Diversity Through Imported Africans" program is drawing fire from civil-rights leaders. "I don't see why the NAACP would be opposed to the further enrichment of our nation's glorious patchwork of races," said U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), co-author of the plan. "We merely seek to increase America's already remarkable diversity through the importation of 10 million strong-backed West African males. These healthy, disease-free males from Gabon, Benin, and Togo will only add spice to the wondrous cultural stew that is America." Helms added that the plan will also create millions of jobs in the fields of housekeeping and farmwork.

VOLUME 36 ISSUE 29 — 23 AUGUST 2000
Critics Accuse New Movie Of Glorifying Sex
HOLLYWOOD, CA—The Five Senses, a new film from Fine Line Features starring Mary-Louise Parker and Philippe Volter, is drawing fire from conservative Christian groups who charge that it glorifies sex. "Billing itself as 'a touching exploration of human perceptions and dynamics,' The Five Senses is filled with images of adults engaged in intimate acts of sexual union," said Focus On The Family executive director Michael White. "By depicting it so frequently and so casually, this film only serves to condone the act of lovemaking." White added that sexual imagery in films is largely to blame for "the proliferation of sexuality in society."

VOLUME 36 ISSUE 14 — 19 APRIL 2000
NAACP Demands Less Minority Representation On UPN
BALTIMORE—Decrying the strong presence of African Americans on programs such as Malcolm & Eddie, Shasta, and The Parkers, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume called Sunday for a significant reduction in minority representation on UPN. "We must step up pressure on this network to decrease the visibility of our people," said Mfume, addressing the NAACP's Board Of Directors. "America is just 13 percent black, yet on these crappy shows, we make up a full 85 percent. This is utterly unacceptable." Mfume then called for a boycott of UPN until the network "severely underrepresents us."

Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'
WASHINGTON, DC—Denouncing a prison system he called "robble robble robble," hamburger advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate Subcommittee on Penal Reform Sunday, demanding more humane conditions for the nation's inmates. "Robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble," an emotional Hamburglar told the 12-member committee. "Robble robble robble robble robble. Robble robble robble robble robble robble robble: Robble robble." Reaction to the speech was mixed. "Certainly there is room for improvement in our penal system," U.S. Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) said. "But I would hardly call the current situation 'robble.'"

God Proclaims Raspberries 'Now Even More Berrilicious'
HEAVEN—Seeking to boost sales of His tart, fruity product, God announced Monday that starting March 1, the great taste of raspberries will be "even more berrilicious." "Get ready for a whole new taste sensation," God said. "Soon, raspberries will be bursting with so much outrageous fruit flavor, you'll want to call them 'razzle-dazzleberries.'" If raspberry consumption fails to increase, other changes are in store, including "magic color-change berries," available on bushes for a limited time next spring. "Slam that great fruity taste in your face," God urged.

VOLUME 35 ISSUE 08 — 3 MARCH 1999
Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That
OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to require disrobing. "He asked me about my smoking and my sleep patterns and stuff, then he looked in my ears and throat and checked my heartbeat with his stethoscope, and that was it," the baffled, nude Lyons said. "Would having my pants on somehow affect my heartbeat?"

Sculptor Criticized For Turning Women Into Objects
NEW YORK—Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest bidder. "The sort of sexist, demeaning objectification of women in which Mr. Byrne engages is shocking and unacceptable," wrote National Women's League president Georgia Richards-Weiss in a letter to The New York Times. "That he actually makes a good living reducing females to lifeless objects is more shocking still."

Wife Too Busy Videotaping Elk Attack To Save Husband's Life
BANGOR, ME—Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk during a hunting trip Tuesday. "I wish more than anything that I could have grabbed Ken's rifle from the truck and helped him," a grieving Roxanne Fallon said, "but to aim and fire the gun while maintaining focus and properly framing the action would have been impossible." Fallon's death, captured on tape in its entirety, will air Dec. 18, on Fox's When Animals Attack VII.

VOLUME 35 ISSUE 01 — 13 JANUARY 1999
Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience
PORTLAND, OR—A near-death experience was followed by one of the right-on-the-money variety Sunday, when local mechanic Gabe Hoover narrowly averted fatally choking on a chicken bone, only to be run over by a city bus later the same day. "As I began to lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I saw a bright, welcoming light, and I heard a voice calling out to me that sounded like my deceased mother," said Hoover, describing his near-death experience an hour before being struck dead. "I felt incredibly at peace, but then, suddenly, another voice told me to go back, saying I wasn't finished with my work on Earth." Hoover continued his work on Earth for another 64 minutes, at which point he hit the death nail right on the head, walking swiftly and directly into the light.

New Rap Song Samples 'Billie Jean' In Its Entirety, Adds Nothing
NEW YORK—On Thursday, rapper and producer Sean "Puffy" Combs released "Tha Kidd (Is Not My Son)," a hotly anticipated new single that samples Michael Jackson's 1983 smash "Billie Jean" in its entirety and adds nothing. "When I was in the studio mixing and recording, I decided 'Tha Kidd' would work best if I kept all the music and vocals from the original version and then didn't rap over it," Combs said. "So what I did is put in a tape with 'Billie Jean' on it, and then I hit the record button. It turned out great." Combs' current number-one hit, "Eye Of The Tiger," is dedicated to slain rapper Notorious B.I.G.

VOLUME 32 ISSUE 11 — 14 OCTOBER 1997
Binge-Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine
NEW ORLEANS—According to a report published in the September issue of the New Orleans Journal Of Medicine, a number of habits long believed detrimental to one's health—including binge-drinking and unprotected sex with multiple partners—may actually prolong and enrich one's life. "Massive intake of alcohol instills a deep sense of happiness, which is essential to longevity," the report stated. Random sex with a variety of partners is likewise encouraged: "Exhaustive field research throughout New Orleans indicates that coupling with as many people as possible is a very good thing," the study read. Other behavior endorsed by the renowned medical journal includes eating excessive amounts of rich, spicy food; inhaling nitrous oxide; and screaming "Whoo!" as loudly as possible in public. To aid the early detection of breast cancer, the study also strongly recommended that all women between the ages of 18 and 45 annually expose their breasts to cheering crowds.

6-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess
MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area 6-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Patricia Ambrose, the girl's mother. "But she's still keeping her options open and strongly considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado
NEW YORK—Upscale consumers who enjoy cigars, wine, and "all the finer things in life" will have a new magazine to enjoy beginning next month, when Pompous Asshole hits newsstands. Targeting the coveted 23- to 60-year-old pompous-asshole demographic, the new monthly magazine is expected to compete directly with Cigar Aficionado for advertising dollars. "Pompous Asshole is the magazine of the good life," said publisher Paul Westman. "And, unlike Cigar Aficionado, we truly cover it all: From tips on choosing the right humidor to advice on where to gamble in Monte Carlo to the lowdown on the new Jaguar XJ8, Pompous Asshole is the magazine no rich prick can afford to be without."

Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy
HIBBING, MN—After three years of heavy financial losses, the Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. The camp, which enabled Yothers fans to fulfill their dreams by performing scenes from Family Ties, dressing up like an actual L.A. Laker Girl, and socializing with former Yothers co-star Michael Gross, got off to a shaky start in 1994, when only one customer paid $800 to attend the two-week camp. "We are deeply disappointed by the public's lukewarm reaction to the camp," director Edward Borowicz said. "Frankly, it's baffling." The camp's owners are hoping to recoup their financial losses with a series of Esther Rolle-themed luxury cruises.

Elton John Wows Mother Teresa Funeral Crowd With 'The Bitch Is Back'
CALCUTTA—More than 12,000 mourners were treated to a performance of "The Bitch Is Back" by Elton John at Mother Teresa's funeral Saturday. The delighted mourners, clapping their hands and swaying from side-to-side in time with the song's pounding, rollicking barrelhouse piano, joined John in singing the song's refrain, "Bitch, bitch / The bitch is back," dozens of times. "This is the perfect tribute to Mother Teresa," said Sister Nirmala, Mother Teresa's successor as leader of the Missionaries of Charity Order. "The bitch is indeed back with God." John, who sat next to Princess Diana at Gianni Versace's funeral and sat next to Mother Teresa at Princess Diana's funeral, was seated next to former Beatle George Harrison at Mother Teresa's funeral, fueling speculation that Harrison will perish next Tuesday in a fiery helicopter crash.

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