June 27th, 2002

I Feel Like I'm Made Of Straw

No one I know is allowed to die until at LEAST next year.

Yesterday was just wierd. Emotional rollercoaster type wierd. I think I went through every emotion I have yesterday. Grief when I was at the cemetery and was the last person standing at my Grammert's coffin and blew her a kiss, whispering "Goodbye" and choking back my tears; overwhelming sadness and joy together when my Mama showed up at the funeral and went to speak to my Daddy, they chatted for a few minutes and hugged - which made me very happy. Seeing that made me wish things could have been different in some ways. I looked around and noticed that I was watching my parents communicate peacefully in the presence of all of my brothers and sisters, which hasn't happened since I can remember. We were all standing in a circle surrounding them and I could do nothing but stand there and cry. It healed some wounds deep within me and reopened others. Elation and pride for my Mama when she walked over to my stepmother Marcia (for whom her hatred is well known and documented) and not only told her how pretty she looked - but gave her a hug. Disgust, unrelenting anger and shame at my brother (whom I don't claim in the first place as he is a giant asshole) for his completely inappropriate behavior and racist commentary at my Aunt Kathleen's house in the presence of his children, my mother, my aunt, and sisters.

There are tons more, but honestly I am so completely spent right now that I feel my head being crushed from numbness and thought at the same time. It's insane. Part of me wants to cry all of the time just for the release if nothing else. I haven't slept much since Sunday, and have been getting my headaches with a lot more frequency in the past couple of days. I'm doing my best to eat when I'm hungry, but have noticed that I haven't finished a full meal since I ate my salad on Tuesday night. My appetite will come back when it is ready. I'm hoping it will this weekend when I'm in Atlanta with Damien and his family (my new family). Speaking of, both he and his mother just called to check up on me.

I want to let you all know that I appreciate your love and support for me, more now than ever when I've needed it so much. I'm dealing with so many things right now that I feel I'm drowning sometimes and knowing that I have somehow been lucky enough to earn the love, respect, and support of such fine people does actually make a significant difference in feeling that I will not go through all of this alone. For that and all of the other gifts you gus bring to my life, I love you and thank you.
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