March 21st, 2002

Something's Going On...

I picked Cole up from school today and went to get Illeigh from HER school. While we were waiting for her class to let out, I noticed one of the parents that was also waiting on a child. I see this man all of the time and can never place where I know him from, and it dawned on me that I see him at the school on the days I pick up Illeigh. He was playing with his toddler son, letting him run around and holding him up high and swinging him around. He does this every time I see them, acting like it's Disneyland for this kid. The little boy laughs out loud like he's being held down and tickled. They wait for the man's daughter in a spot about 50 feet from where Cole and I wait. Today, the little boy was very excited and running toward us and I got to get a good look at him. Once he was close enough for me to wave and smile, I looked into his face for the first time. He has Down's Syndrome. Kids with Down's are some of the most precious creatures on earth. They are totally affectionate and inquisitive, sometimes to a dangerous fault. But they have a profound understanding of love. Then it happened...

I had been watching them at my distance for several minutes and the little boy (who I found out is 3 years old) ran back to his Daddy to play some more and I felt Cole's arms hugging me around my thigh. No big deal, he always does that - but I looked down at him and he was watching the father and son playing also. His eyes were burning a hole into the two of them. He looked up at me with a somber little face and those big brown eyes, no smile, saying nothing. But his eyes told me something I had been fearing for almost two years now... "I wished my Daddy didn't have to die because I miss him playing with ME like that Daddy over there does". I put my hand on his head and fixed his hair and scratched his back like he asks me to do when he's sleepy. He didn't move and held onto my leg, but he turned hs head in the opposite direction and began looking behind us. Then I picked him up and held him as tightly as I could without hurting him. He hugged me around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder.

The air stopped moving and I wanted to scream. It all got very real for me again and I felt the tears coming BIGTIME - but I maintained my composure. I tickled his belly and he started smiling and laughing. The bell rang and we waited for Illeigh to come out of the door, and when she did I made them race to the car to beat the traffic ::coughcoughDIVERSIONcough:: and we came home. Cole wanted to watch a Barney video, so I set it up in the VCR. Then I promptly went to the bathroom and fell apart.

Our lives are all very different now since Shane died, but there is always that empty space in my heart that I can never fill with anything but the love from this amazing little boy who more and more reminds me of his father every day.
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    Only A Dream - Mary Chapin Carpenter
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You've GOT to be fucking KIDDING me here...

I saw a posting on the Columbus, Ga journal page about a concert tomorrow, and I was posting a reply to it about plugging the show on the air since I'll be at work and won't be able to go see the bands myself, when lo and behold - it says I'm BANNED from posting on that page! WHAT? What a fucking joke! Better call a therapist, I'm not sure how I'll live with this disappointment! ::puts on "Fuck You, You Fucking FUCK!" t-shirt::