Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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I feel like I cannot win for fucking losing. To say nothing of feeling generally depressed and completely pissed off. It is times like this I wished I never got sober.

I was feeling so much better, and now I feel exactly like I did when I started getting this sinus/throat/ear bullshit. I slept last night (on and off) on the side of the bed that had the vent blowing cold air directly in my face, and that's all it took I think. (A fan blowing air on me, a window left open while I'm sleeping, and I will wake up with some kind of cold. That's why I cannot go camping.) Apparently I wasn't completely over this whatever-it-is, and it has all come back. I took two allergy pills to help me breathe while slept, so by the time I woke up to realize my throat was kind of sore and got a drink of water, the damage was done. It really started back up in the past few hours. So now I feel achy, fevery, and my sinuses and throat and inner ear are all aching.

I've been trying and trying to learn this coding stuff for my site layout, but all it does is confuse and aggravate me. I'm trying to learn tables for what I want to do, but every tutorial I find tells me I have to know how to use this or that other HTML to make it all work... div tags... align tags... css... and a ton of other shit I have NO idea what they're talking about so that whole thing is at a total standstill, which makes me want to both scream AND cry not just because I'm frustrated, but because I want to be able to do it and see on the screen what I can see in my head. It's just not happening - not even in Cold Fusion.

So I go to try and work in Photoshop to make the graphics I need to use on the new site layout, because THAT I at least know I can do - and yet everything I make looks like complete shit and I find myselft at a fucking loss - angry, upset, uninspired, and defeated.

I try to accomplish something to make me feel better, and all I am left with is feeling horrible in every conceivable way that is possible.

Maggie's gone until tomorrow, the kids are being irritable, the house needs to be cleaned up, I feel like five sacks of shit, and I'm so angry about everything - E V E R Y T H I N G that I feel is wrong in my life that I just want to cry - and I can't even do that.

Goddamnit. Just Goddamnit.

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