Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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I love my father, I just don't like him very much.

My father sends me this guilt inducing email a while ago. To surmise the sentiments in the attatched story and his rebuttal on what one is to learn from it, I'll leave you with this bit of wisdom from him: "...regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life." So of course I've been on tears off and on for the past 30 minutes to an hour, but not for the reasons you would think.

It is true, I will miss my parents when they are gone from my life. But I've been mostly gone from theirs for a long, long time and rather than try to find out why and do something of their own volition to change that fact, they simply complain about it.

I have set up my life in such a way that I don't have to depend on my family for anything, let alone emotional support. I maintain a safe distance from them so that I cannot be hurt by them or made to feel inferior anymore. I do not participate in family events, in as much as I can possibly avoid them, but I love them all dearly except for my brother Todd - I have no feeling for him whatsoever. He's dead to me. But then I get an email - a fucking email - from my father that tries to make me feel more guilty than I already do for not coming around. This sappy, sentimentally recycled Chicken-Soup-For-The-Soul thing that is supposed to make me want to call him crying and try to get together with him ASAP while begging him to forgive me for being a cretin of a son. Instead it makes me hurt with the realization that if I really mattered enough to him he would ask me outright why I don't come around instead of complaining about it vicariously through these Taster's Choice stories. He would be the one trying to extend the hand and want to know why his own son doesn't keep in contact. He wouldn't be the child who tries to throw out hints and not say what he wanted to say instead of the parent who wanted to know and tried to find out because it mattered.

But no. Instead I get this email that starts out teary eyed and ends up insulting. I feel even worse trying to talk to Maggie about this, because her mother died from cancer when she was 20 and she never had a father. Then she, being my voice of reason, tells me that I cannot compare myself to her and that all of my feelings are valid and I shouldn't feel guilty for feeling hurt by him.

Fucking hell, why do they ALWAYS do this to me?

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