The show itself was very good, aside from the headache I got midway through the set and kept with me until just a short while ago. I got some cds and was able to speak to Jennifer for a short time, she was being mobbed and I needed to let her do her thing. I was thrilled to get the new cd, it is everything I had hoped it would be and much much more.
So then we get back in the car to come home. I'm driving, Andrew is in the backseat talking on his cell phone (to Jennie I'm guessing), and Paige is sitting next to me talking to her recent ex boyfriend Casey (who will be known to me from now on as Wretched Psychotic Motherfucker) when the hell that took control of my brain then ensued.
He was apparently saying yet MORE meanspirited and spiteful things to her, and at some point told her that when we got back to town, he would be waiting at the station... my fucking place of employment... to kick my ass - apparently for no other reason than he hates me and is jealous of the fact that I was spending quality time with her and not him. As if any time with him could ever be classified as quality. Anyway, this is the point where I completely lost my shit. I have NO idea what I said or might have said for that matter, because I felt so completely full of rage that I was shaking. I looked down and I'm going 95 miles an hour down a freeway exit ramp. In that very moment my feelings became very apparent to me about this whole situation; I've had it, I'm done, I have NO more patience for this. Some time today I will make it very clear to her that he is never to be mentioned to me again UNLESS I know for sure that she has severed all contact with him. And I mean ALL contact. I will have nothing to do with this ever again, I will not be complacent about my complete aversion to her maintaining ties with that piece of shit. I will no longer be supportive of anything she does so long as he is actively in her life.
I don't ask for much of anything, and seldom do I ever want anything for myself. MAYBE once a month I get to see Jennifer and hear her music and spend a small amount of time with her. Last night was HER night. It was a special time for her and myself both, and both he AND Paige absofuckinglutely ruined it. Him for obvious reasons; her for talking to him in the first place and not listening when Maggie and I tell her that she has to stop talking to him ENTIRELY. If she wants to completely destroy herself, I can do nothing about that. She wants to keep bullshitting everyone and end up back with this asshole, again - nothing I can do about it. But I'll be GODDAMNED if I'll sit idly by and hold her hand while she does it. I love Paige dearly, but as I told her last night - I have absolutely reached the end of my patience with this shit. I wash my hands of it, I will not be this frustrated again over his shortcomings and her unwillingness to follow through with what she says she's going to do. She maintains to me that "it's just very hard for her, I don't want to hurt anyone no matter what they do to me" and that is COMPLETE bullshit. This bastard that not only hates you and everything you love and has the nerve to call THAT loving you; overlooking him threatning your life and the life of your children's father; overlooking how his abuse not only breaks your spirit when you PROMISED yourself you'd never let someone do that to you again; his complete disrespect of your children; fuck! I could make this a separate entry... Walking away from this motherfucker is the hard part? NO - being his punching bag/doormat is the hard. I'm done with it - I am SO fucking done.
Now THIS is the part where I get a brand new wound of my very own. On Valentine's Day I broke down and emailed Daniel. All I said was "Happy Valentine's Day". What response do I get? Hold on to yourself... His reply was a very curtly written "Thank you for thinking about me". That's it. That's all I got. In a word: Cruel.
Let me go to sleep this afternon and wake in a better mood or let me not wake up at all - because someone somewhere WILL get hurt by me if something doesn't give today. I can only take so much, and I have more than reached my limit.
Tell you what - if you're thinking about posting a response to this entry, don't - just don't. Make that your act of kindness towards me right now. And if you happen to know me in real life and see me anytime within the next millenia and I don't bring this up in conversation first, don't make the mistake of mentioning this to me. Don't make jokes, don't offer advice or your opinion. I will be less than kind and you will have begged for what I give you. Be told...