Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Just "What The Hell, Man?"


I've decided that for all of his talk and his pleas for me to believe his sincerity, Daniel is more heartless than I had ever imagined and it will most likely be yet ANOTHER ache for which I will get no closure. Am I still angry? Sure, a little bit - but more and more I get the feeling that I never knew him at all, that it all was a big lie. Very sweet guy, fantastic in bed (and on a sofa, and in a car, I'll stop now...) but at the end of it all, he did nothing more for me than carve the beast of my frustration and seat me at the head of my own table. Oh, and wasted a significant portion of my energy in caring so deeply for him when he had no plans whatsoever for seeing it through, though I have it from him in writing that he did. I feel used and horribly let down still, and the worst thing about it is I miss him. Fuck "learning to live with these feelings", that's utter bullshit. One day (if not already) he will live with the knowledge that I was the best thing he ever had going for him; I was the only one that let him be himself and loved him for it; I was the one who did what no one else ever did before.

No matter where you look, what happens to you, wherever you go - It will be MY face you see.
It will ber MY lips you miss tasting.
It will be MY voice telling you the truth.
It will be MY body you yearn to be naked against.
It will have been ME that made everything alright.
It will be ME that stayed when maybe I should have left.
It will be ME that stood by your side and stuck it out.
It will be ME that fulfilled needs never met before or since.
It will be me that you cannot stop yourself from wanting and needing.

Lie to anyone you choose, Daniel. Lie to a woman enough to get her to marry you and have your namesakes so "they" will be happy. You'll do nothing but destroy lives and completely ruin what integrity you have. It will all unfold right in front of you and you'll have nowhere to hide when the bomb goes off.

Keep pretending that no one knows. You're going to wind up with nothing and no one - NOT because of who you are, because no one who matters GIVES a goddamn, but because you looked everyone you ever felt love for and lied in their faces without giving them a chance. And even in that despondant place, where you feel you have nothing left to live for of your own, you will have to face the fact that the God you serve would consign you to Hell for hurting yourself and devestating the ones you leave behind.


What choices do you have that are still your to make before the choices are no longer yours? What are you going to do when the truth finally wins and it's not on your terms? Who will you run to?

I love you Daniel. In as much as I know how, so help me I do. There isn't a fucking thing I can do about it, and though for the moment nothing takes the suffering away that you've given me, I miss you in spite of it. I cry for and about you. When you left me, you left more in your absence than you know.

Make some changes, before you no longer have the opportunity. You'll never run far enough away. Leave your parents and grandparents out of the equation, I understand completely why that is necessary, for as much as I think it is wrong.

I'm so afraid that sooner or later you're going to find yourself alone and I'm going to be all you ever had that was real - yet the first thing you will think is how you abandoned me and ruined it all. If only you could fulfill your promise and be brave, things could be so very different. But you turn your back and I cannot fathom how you would do such a foolish thing. Everyday I face without you is just one more day that my love threatens to burn into hatred. I can only fight so much, you know that.

I have no idea what I would do if you for once actually gave back. The only thing I can add before posting this is FUCK YOU for being so beautiful. And for letting time go by and being complacent. And for not being the man you were born to be. And for making the biggest mistake you've ever made and doing nothing to try and make it right. But know that I mean it with love...
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