When I woke up this morning, I could still see him in my mind. It was the first time in months I had a dream where he wasn't being serious and could see him being himself when he was goofy.
There are times when I think my grief is immeasurable. Times like now when I feel it but it isn't consuming me. Now and then I'll see Cole in a certain way that makes him look JUST LIKE Shane and it nearly brings me to my knees. I have no doubt that if he were still alive, then I would have a better grip on my life. This summer will be two years that he has been gone, and I will relive every single moment of that day again as I will for the rest of my life. Staci's suicide was on June 28th, Shane died on June 30th. It makes no difference the number of years between. I hate that entire month now.
Sometimes I am so inspired by Maggie and how much she has gained in life since Shane died that I think it is possible to live again completely and not be caught up in grief. With Daniel I got a taste of that, and when he left me that was just one more thing he took away that I needed more than I knew.
Today I feel my grief and losses profoundly and I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Today is a crying day, one that I probably need despite my ludicrous feelings about tears, and one in which I alternate between feeling deep sadness and incindiary rage.