Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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It has been a very cathartic day

I spent the entire afternoon cleaning out my bedroom. I threw away 5 huge garbage bags of things I've kept for years but decided I needed to part with. Lots of sentimental things. Some I couldn't bear to part with so I kept. One of them was a picture of John & Mandy. One was a memory of the last time Ryan hugged me and how it made me smile. One was a memory of Aimee calling me at the radio station late one night, I think it was around the time Tim died and I tried to comfort her. One was a chocolate Santa that Cheryl put in a hand made stocking and left on Damien's car the night before we drove to Ohio. One was a picture of Anjelica and Donnie that is the only picture I have of Anjelica. Several were things I have of Shane, pictures, cards, clothes, memories and such. I laid these things out before me and put the memories in the front of my mind and I cried until I had no tears left.

I've been spending a lot of time lately talking to Renea, and as always talking to her is like the best hug you could get from someone. I swear, she's like Bactine for my soul. There is something about having one of the closest people in the world to you make the bad things go away in one conversation that reaffirms everything you believe and hold sacred. She provides me with so much, I can only hope that I give her something equally sustaining. She understands me in fundamental ways, ways that prove she knows me very well. I would trust her to make a decision for me in my absence, because I know she would make my choice for me instead of her own. In ways she already has.

She wrote a letter to Daniel when he and I were going through the beginning of the end, about a month before it needed to be over. In the letter she pleaded with him to think carefully before renouncing me because he would find no one better and would live to regret it. This was extraordinary for two reasons. One was because she actively despised Daniel, but knew I wasn't ready for the relationship to be over. The other was because she made a declaration in doing this at all.

Daniel never read that letter, because I never gave it to him. It was the one time she has ever asked me to do something and I didn't do it. I decided that the letter wasn't for him, it was for me. It was her love and support for me that got me through that day, and I keep that letter in my special box of sentimental things as a reminder and as a paper hug.

No one ever did anything like that for me before her. No one has ever been to me what she is. No one else ever will.
Tags: renea
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