Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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Since the last time I was in a good mood in the morning, I won't say that I'm feeling stellar lest I jinx myself like I did before.

I slept horribly, I had a dream about something that happened when I was a teenager. Basically, my mother attempted suicide in front of me and my sister. It wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last time this happened, only always with different circumstances. It was awful and not something I talk about normally, but I felt just now that admitting it might help me get some peace with it. It was 18 years ago after all, and I carry around so much bullshit with me that it's damn near like breathing at this point.

I do not blame my mother for her psychological and emotional problems, I grew up with them and didn't know she was any different than other moms for the majority of my childhood. No one ever talked about it, my father just shooed us away from her when she got "that look" and never acknowledged that on occaisions, like at least twice a week, she became someone else entirely. This provided he was actually ever home long enough to see anything he could deny, you understand. If you asked anyone in my family now except for my sister Shay, they would deny anything was ever "wrong" with my mother.

Anyhoo, I always feel better after I have a little mini-breakdown. I had this dream and woke up at 4:00 AM. I get kind of freaked out after things like this happen, when I recall something like that from when I was a child. It brings along so many other things with it that I'd either forgotten or made a career of forgetting on purpose.

So I've cycled all that bullshit for now, and I feel better. Don't pity me or offer sympathy, please - this is just my life and I deal with these things the best I can. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not, but always I pick myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and keep moving. Whatever leftover frustrations I feel I'll take out on my bike ride this evening. It's all good.
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