Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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I was in no way prepared for today...

Today started out well enough, I spent the day with Maggie going to doctors appointments. The baby was being very active this morning, and I could feel her kicking around in Maggie's tummy at the doctor's office while we waited. Every time I put my hand over her stomach, Avery kicked me. I couldn't quit laughing in the office, because the OB director had this hilarious scrolling banner as the screensaver on her computer that read "To everything that has breathe, praise the Lord!" Maggie pointed it out to me and we were laughing so hard that tears were shed and snorting occurred.

I cannot wait for this baby to be born, I am so ready for a new baby to help take care of. I cannot wait for her baby smell, and that little sigh they make at the end of a yawn, and the feel of her lying on my chest when I hold her.

We went to lunch after the doctor's appointment (all is well, she's expected to be here April 30th - but we want her sooner) and then to look at fabric to have her baby blanket made. Coming out of the store I was laughing and being my usual silly self with Maggie and Daniel walked right in front of me. He was walking out of the restaurant next door and getting into a car with some guy I think he works with, but am not sure. I don't know if he saw me or not, I cannot imagine how he couldn't have, but I stopped dead in my tracks and grabbed Maggie by the arm. Not to make her stop so much as to kind of steady myself. She asked me "What's wrong, honey?" I whispered his name to her and stood there, not knowing whether to stand still and become invisible, run back into the store, or just keep walking. I walked with her to the car and we got in and left just as they were pulling out of the parking lot.

I knew I would see him sooner or later, but I wasn't ready for how seeing him made me feel. I still love him in whatever way it is that I do, but he doesn't make it easy on me knowing that I worry about him and that I have no idea how he is. Does he care enough to keep me from worrying myself sick about him? Noooooo... It's like he dropped off the face of the earth and I feel strange and haunted and tainted. And no matter how hard or often I scrub, it just doesn't wash off.

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