Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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What a sad day this turned out to be

I talked to Cheryl about her email to me from earlier today. I'm not sure what got resolved between us, but she did make an excellent point about people I thought were friends to both me and Renea. I agree that if you were the friends you claim you are, you would never be this sorry and I wouldn't have expected better for Renea from you than what she got. I suppose that it was my mistake in misjudging from the get go if this is what everything amounts to, but I honestly thought higher of my friends than that.

As it stands now, I'm shocked to see the results of push coming to shove, though I'm asked why I am surprised. I thought better of you all than what you've allowed yourselves to be, and thought that you would never be guilty of forsaking another family member.

I still cannot fathom how anyone would take the pain and struggle of a dear friend who was suicidal and consider it just that person wanting attention, but I'm told that is how you saw Renea. After everything she's done for you, you specifically being Ryan & Aimee, that you would cast her pain aside so quickly just horrifies me. What if I didn't call her when I did? She'd be dead now and all that would be left is what you should have done, could have done, but didn't do.

I said a lot of things in my initial post, very angry things, and your behaviors warranted every word - but I didn't gamble on our friendships or threaten to rescind mine with you. That you would dangle your friendships with me in front of my face and use them as some kind of threat or bargaining tool - you've effectively gone and ended these friendships I valued so much. After everything I've done to support you guys in the face of so much adversity, with my track record of never ONCE failing you when you needed me, you imply that I have a God complex and a desire for martyrdom. If you truly believe this, then it is you who truly don't know me, not the other way around. I've done everything I ever said I would do for you guys and never once said I'd do something I didn't do.

The fact is that if any of you were in Renea's situation, I would have done the same for you - and I wouldn't be the asshole you're trying to make me, I'd just be a good friend who was looking out for you and calling others out on not being there for you. Being a "better" friend than the next one is not part of the equation - it's being a good one all of the time and staying consistent. In that regard I've never failed any of my friends, you cannot say the same.

So I give up. It's over, I'm dead to you. Now I have to find a way to live with that fact. Ryan & Aimee, I have always loved you dearly, but your choices have dictated mine. I will not have done to me what you have done to Renea, wondering from now on if I can depend on you if I need to. It pains me, but you made it necessary. By the time you realize what permanent damage you've done, it will no longer matter. I'm left with nothing but a felt understanding of how sad this all is, and how clearly neither of you care. I only wished that it were as easy for me to write you off as it is for you to write me off. Maybe then I'd have better peace with it.

I hope for a day when none of this matters to me anymore, as it is you leave me feeling incredible sadness. I called your bluff. Congratulations, you both got what you wanted.
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