Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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For over a week now I have been agonizing in my heart and mind about Daniel and what was to become of him, of me without him in my life possibly, of "us". I ripped out my heart and smeared it over these very same keys I'm typing on right now in a last ditch effort to try and help him. I even told him that I loved him, I talked to counselors on the phone and supplied him with numbers to call, and reiterated to him his promise to me - that he would go into therapy and have someone to talk to and be honest with for once, and learn to accept himself so that he may one day have a conception of a happy life. He promised me. I had to email him again to get him to acknowledge that he read what I had spent so much emotion and energy writing.

So what is the response I get for this hell he has consigned me to for more than a week, when I was to the point of not eating or sleeping and wondering (literally) if he was still alive?

He didn't even mention ANYTHING, not ONE FUCKING WORD of what I had written him so desperately. Didn't make mention of my love for him, of his promise to me, of regret for putting me through this in the first place, nothing.

Instead what I got was him explaining to me how he "could accept the fact that he likes guys IN ADDITION to girls as a fact of his life that he could not change". That his sexuality was too "relationally insignificant" to the world he knew, he just couldn't let it impact something so big - that being his "world". Like I never mattered in the least, like what I feel for him and the extent of my loyalty and compassion never existed. I'm just the dirty little secret he wants to sweep under the rug apparently.

That his offer of friendship to me wasn't just a cliche, that he would one day like to "hang out" with me once his emotional stability was in check or words to that effect.

He once told me that he never felt accepted for who he truly was until he met me. Told me that he didn't believe us meeting and having this relationship was an accident. That he looked forward excitedly to a future with me.

Maybe I'm just caught up in my anger and confusion and COMPLETE hurt right now, but I feel like I have been totally scammed. I feel like he's now trying to lie to me just like he does to everyone else in this "world" he seeks to protect so much and hide anything real from.

How could anyone do this to me or to themselves, especially him. I am hurt beyond belief right now and I want an apology that will probably never come, unless I were worth it to him. But if that were the case this never would ahve happened to begin with.

I suppose I'm just not worth fighting for in his eyes. I feel robbed.

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