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The Most Emo I Get 
19th-Nov-2011 11:06 pm
Cameron Museum
Sitting by myself, on the couch.
High pain day, very frustrating with misfiring major nerves.
Scared of this pending surgery and recovery for months
that is only 1/3 of my chronic and sometimes debilitating physical and psychological pain.
Aching for people I love now sleeping soundly 2,200 miles away
who love and sustain me on levels
that I won't get to see again and hold in my arms again until Spring
months away
who help make it all better than the high dosages of 6 different medications daily, 9 pills total each day
making me FUCKING crazy.
Alone in the dark and stillness.
Thrashing in pain and unable to be comfortable no matter what I do
and I don't have a brave face left just to skate on pride with to feel in control of my body again.
Crying and sobbing
because sometimes this shit is just too hard
and I passed my limit for it months ago.
Because I'm being a whiny candyass.
20th-Nov-2011 08:37 am (UTC)
You're in my thoughts.
20th-Nov-2011 11:04 am (UTC)
Everyone is a whiny candyass at some point in their life. It's called a coping mechanism, and it's part of being human. You are human, aren't you? Anyone who tells you to STFU can GTFO, or DIAF (gamer talk, die in a fire).
20th-Nov-2011 11:47 am (UTC)
It's true. We would not be human if we didn't show our weaknesses from time to time and you don't whine that much generally, and you're allowed to when you're in pain. I hope you find some way of coping with it. Are you doing any of your fabulous artwork these days? I miss seeing it, as you are so talented (in so many ways).

20th-Nov-2011 12:45 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. What I have come to know of you, you are always there for others and are good at it! I apologize if any of this sounds patronizing but where I work we get some training on "compassion fatigue" and your post reminded me of something they taught us there. Many times people who are caregivers tend to be the most forgiving people when it comes to negativity from others. Caregivers may often be met with a rebuff from those we are trying to help, both in a personal or professional capacity. However, if they later come and attempt to make amends we are almost always willing to accept their apology or at the least to just let it go. The one person we don’t grant this to is ourselves. Who listens to the listeners? Who comforts the comforter? Sometimes we have to remember to cut ourselves some slack, or as the self-help folks say: Choose to be generous with yourself!
20th-Nov-2011 02:51 pm (UTC)
You totally have our sympathy. 2011 has been the Year of Soul-Crushing Pain. I really hope 2012 is better.

(And if it's not, I hope all the New Age dorks who are crowing about the end of the Mayan calendar are right. :p)
20th-Nov-2011 06:08 pm (UTC)
*sending some positive energy*
20th-Nov-2011 09:23 pm (UTC)
i KNOW where you are... As far as the pain.. ache.. weary... !!

MY Love , Thoughts, and GOOD ENERGIES are With YOU!!!

20th-Nov-2011 11:41 pm (UTC)
Sending positive energy your way. *HUGS*
27th-Nov-2011 10:53 pm (UTC)
:: hugs:: Love you sweetie I know how you feel and I hope very much that the surgery goes well and eliminates most if not all of the pain for you
14th-Dec-2011 06:14 am (UTC)
On another note, Happy Birthday! :)
14th-Dec-2011 06:34 pm (UTC) - Happy Birthday !!!!

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