Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

Things Atheists Didn't Do

An Atheist did not set fire to his 11 year old niece for wearing lipstick. She has burns over 90% of her body and is not expected to survive.

No atheist decreed it was OK to kill the owners of Satellite TV stations that broadcast “immoral” content. That was a Islamic Cleric who also said Mickey Mouse should be killed. Atheists know that Mickey Mouse isn’t real either.

Atheists did not vandalize the homes of a half dozen politicians in Minnesota. They didn’t spray paint threats and a reference to Psalms 2 on their homes.

Atheists didn’t rape a nun in India. That was Hindus, who have also killed 30 people and left thousands homeless in their attacks on Christians.

Atheists did not gun down an aid worker in Afghanistan. That was, of course, Muslims. But hell, she was a woman, so they probably only consider it half a murder (which means they’ll have to work harder to fill their monthly quota.)

No atheist announced that women should now be limited to a one-eyed veil. That as an Islamic holy man.

It wasn’t an atheist court who sentenced a man to death for asking about woman’s rights in class. That was, of course, a Muslim court. But they changed their mind, and now he’s only sentenced to twenty years in prison. Allah is merciful.

Atheists don’t punish women for being raped. But if you’re an Islamic rape victim who can’t find four men to testify they witnessed the crime, you’ll be beaten if you’re single and stoned to death if you’re married. Imagine how nasty the punishment would be if Islam wasn’t the religion of peace.

No atheist teacher burned crosses into his students arms. And I’ll bet you a fine cigar or the refreshing beverage of your choice that the students that rallied to support him weren’t atheists either.

This one is actually from 2008. (I have so many of these things saved sometimes they get lost.) Three Christian parents murdered their childrenby relying on prayer or faith healing instead of getting them proper medical care. Their children, who could have been saved with simple and safe medical procedures, would still be alive if their parents were atheists.

Hurting the feelings of Muslims is a crime in some parts of the world and they’re attempting to spread that insanity world wide.

In January the Pope revealed a list of sins so heinous only he could offer absolution. On the list: a parishioner who has participated in an abortion, even by simply paying for part of it. Not on the list: priests raping children, of course.

Waitresses depend on tips to survive, but a group of Christians told a waitress they wouldn’t be leaving her a tip because they thought working on Sunday was a sin. It was OK for them to enjoy thelabor of sinners working on their holy day, as long as they didn’t pay for it. (In my experience Atheists tend to tip generously.)

In Saudi Arabia housekeepers were hounded into admitting they had cast dozens of spells in people’s houses – because the householders insisted it happened. They should have hired atheists housekeepers. Good luck finding one in Saudi Arabia, where admitting to believing reality can be fatal.

A woman in St. Paul withdrew her federal lawsuit against her husband for using voodoo against her because God told her to stop being an asshole.

Want to get a woman to blow herself up for Allah? Just rape her first. And you don’t even have schedule it yourself – this nice Muslim grandmotherly type will do it for you.

In Saudi Arabia a 23 year-old woman who was gang raped by five good Allah worshiping Muslim men was sentenced to a year in prison and 100 lashes for adultery by a Saudi judge. Because her rapists impregnated her, the most merciful Islamic court will wait until after she gives birth before beating the shit out of her.

In Pakistan popular singers are quitting their profession in the face ofthreats from the Taliban.

Catholics are pissed off at the Detroit Tigers for starting a game during “holy hours.” The only atheists angry at them were those foolish enough to bet on them.

A Muslim woman who was repeatedly raped by her Imam father fled his home when facing a forced marriage. He formed a 40 man gang and went on a hunt with the explicit intention of murdering her. I wonder if he hangs out with priests? Since Mohamed was a pedophile priests and Imams should get along great.

In NYC a deli owner who accidentally served non-kosher hot dogs to Jews had to fight some of them off with an electric knife. There are no videos of this, which is unfortunate because it would be freaking hilarious.

God is a crappy co-pilot. In Tunisia a pilot who prayed instead of following emergency procedures while is plane went down was (surprisingly) convicted and sentenced to jail. The 16 people who died would have been much better off with an atheist pilot. In contrast, Captain Sullenberger crash landed his plane in the Hudson River and saved everyone on board. When asked if he prayed he said. “I would imagine somebody in back was taking care of that for me while I was flying the airplane.” Which pilot would you want in the cockpit during an emergency?

In Iran a member of the Basiji militia confessed about how, in the name of Allah he would “marry” and rape young girls the night before their execution, because Islamic law forbids executing a virgin. Allah is merciful, piss be upon him.

In Chicago a Muslim woman beat her two year old to death. The Muslim community was outraged – not about the beating death of a child, but by the news media showing her face.

A Missouri High School band designed t-shirts that showed the evolution of man and the evolution of band instruments. A few days after they were distributed the school received complaints from concerned parents, who were not atheists, who claimed the shirts violated the school’s mandate to stay neutral where religion was concerned. Mouth-breather Sherry Melby, a teacher in the district, said “I don’t think evolution should be associated with our school.” The idiots who ran the school acquiesced and had the kids turn in the shirts.

Bill Donahue, of the Catholic League, is trying to get Penn & Teller’s “Bullshit!” canceled because they had the audacity to go after the Vatican.

The guy who hijacked a Mexican Jet was not an atheist. He did it on 9/9/09, because if you turn those numbers upside down, he says, they become 666. Well, 6606, actually. He’s not a mathematician either.

In France Muslim women are fighting for the “right” to wear “Burkinis” in public swimming pools. Atheists are willing to wear the normal required swim ware. Note: the woman in the picture is a Muslim, not a giant Smurf.

Are you better off with an atheist bus driver, or a religious one? Ask Ed Rivera, who has cerebral palsy. He was left on a freezing bus for 17 hours because the driver didn’t want to be late for church.

An Australian, who is not an atheist, is convinced Jesus and Mary have appeared in his Lava lamp.

In Texas a teacher was suspended not only for being an atheist, but also one of them there scary Liberals.

Smart people, which includes atheists, know that homosexuality and pedophilia are two very different things. Most pedophiles, even those who go after young boys, are heterosexual in their adult relationships. However, the Catholic Church, which is still coddling pedophiles and abrogating their responsibility in thousands of child rape cases, has officially stated that their pedophile priests aren’t really pedophiles. They’re gay.

Donna Ryder, a former Jehovah’s Witness, has revealed her role in hiding kids from health and social welfare authorities. Aided by the church, kids that could have been saved with a blood transfusion were shuttled around the country until they died. The kids would have been far better off with atheist parents.

In Wisconsin Dale and Leilani Neumann murdered their child via religious nuttery. Their 11 year old daughter had an easily treatable form of diabetes, but these obtuse assholes tried to cure her with prayer instead.

In court the unrepentant father said “I am guilty of trusting my Lord’s wisdom completely. . . . Guilty of asking for heavenly intervention. Guilty of following Jesus Christ when the whole world does not understand. Guilty of obeying my God. No, moron, you are guilty of murder. You could have been charged with second degree homicide. At the very least you should have been convicted of criminally negligent homicide, and spent a very long time in jail.

Instead the judge gave each of them the pathetic sentence of six months in jail each and ten years probation. And if that sentence wasn’t enough to prove his court doesn’t give a rat’s ass about kids, he’s having them serve the sentence a month at a time, one month at a time, over six years He’s staggering the sentence to make it easier for them to take care of their other kids.

Yes, you read that right. They’re keeping their other kids. They murdered their child but the judge is letting them keep their kids, because they murdered her in the name of God.

Despite numerous stories about religious parents directly causing their kids death, atheist parents are having trouble adopting. A couple who were trying to adopt kids had to jump through hoops because they were atheists. They did. At the last moment Superior Court Judge William Camarataordered them to send their kid back to the adoption agency, declaring she had the right be raised by superstitious assholes like him. They are waiting the results of an appeal.

Having trouble selling your house? Just bury a statue of Joseph in the front yard. Preferably near the mailbox, and upside down, because, well, just because. You can buy special Joseph Statues specifically designed for the purpose. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for atheists.

In many primitive countries voters dip an index finger in ink after voting, which prevents them from voting twice. In Afghanistan the Taliban likes tochop those fingers off. Afghanistan also has a law allowing a husband tostarve his wife to death if she refuses to have sex with him. Praise be to Allah, the merciful.

In Florida anti-choice non-atheists are trying to ban not only abortion, butbirth control pills. They are serious about the command “be fruitful and fill the earth.” Every square inch if it, evidently. When Jesus returns he’ll be happy he knows that walking on water trick.

A new law in Afghanistan allows men to demand sex from their wives every four days, and to keep them indoors as long as they like.

Combining Islam and Nicotine Nannies can be deadly. A Malaysian couple asked relatives for help. He wanted to quit smoking and she wanted a cure for asthma and a liver disease. Their four loving relatives smashed the couple’s head on a table and beat them with helmets and brooms. Until they were dead. When their 15 year old daughter stumbled on to the carnage they beat her almost to death as well.

In Pakistan Taliban militants are preventing the UN from administering the Polio vaccine to 300,000 children. At last, someone the anti-vaxers can have a beer with. Oh, wait. . .

Kentucky passed a law requiring all Homeland Security operations credit God with protecting them. The law lists the office’s initial duty as “stressing the dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the Commonwealth.” They’re also required to install a plaque that states “The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God.”

Turkey has banned Richard Dawkins’ website. Their “science” institute also banned a magazine cover story on Darwin.

In Papua New Guinea a woman was tied to a log and set on fire because she was a witch. She probably turned someone into a newt.

In Boulder Colorado Derik Bonestroo fired a gun into the ceiling of his workplace and told everyone if they weren’t a christian they were going to die. He asked Brian Mahon if he were Christian. Brian said he was catholic. That was the wrong kind of christian, evidently, because Bonestroo shot him in the head.

The Rev. Joseph Illo, pastor of St. Joseph Catholic Church in Modesto, California, sent out 15,000 letters to the members of his parish telling them if they voted for Obama they’d have to go to confession before receiving communion.

Pastor Rick Warren, who delivered Obama’s Inaugural Invocation, tells his parishioners that physical abuse is no excuse for divorce.

Headline: Christians in Jerusalem want Jews to stop spitting on them. Seems like a reasonable request.

In Saudi Arabia a 75 year old woman was caught with two men in her house. One was a 24 year old man she had wet-nursed, so she considered him a son. The other was delivering bread. In accordance with the loving, peaceful religion of Islam she was sentenced to 100 lashes, four months in jail, and deportation.

Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar rented a Jeep Cherokee and ran over students at an NC university. He did it to avenge the death of Muslims world wide. Evidently he missed Mosque the day they gave “how to run over people” lessons, because all his victims survived. Because of his failure when he dies he’s only going to get the really ugly virgins.

In Pakistan Muslims opened fire on people who had gathered in a Christian church.

Now that Turkey has made honor killings illegal, Muslim women are being encouraged to commit suicide. One girl reported her father requested she kill herself for the horrible sin of refusing an arranged marriage.

Roman Catholics are whining because they were offended by the time a Detroit Tigers game started.

In the Middle East the pope urged greater respect for woman. Evidently the part of his brain that detects irony is malfunctioning.

Ayman Udas, a newly married woman who had the audacity to sing on television, was murdered by her Muslim brothers for the crime.

At Queen Mary University in London Muslim students have been physicallypreventing Hindu students from using a multi-faith center on campus.

A Saudi woman is demanding a divorce because her husband, after 30 years of marriage, peeked under her veil while she was sleeping.

A pedophile priest, not an atheist, claimed he was only giving his victim anatomy lessons.

Muslims in Pakistan stoned a Christian man to death. His crime? Drinking tea at a roadside stall that was designated for Muslims only.

When a Christian church that tortured a gay teen via an exorcism to rid him of his faggy demon was criticized for their stupidity, Dr Gary Cass of the Christian Anti-Defamation Commissionslammed the critics, accusing them of intolerance.

An Oregon couple let their 15 month child die of pneumonia, refusing medical treatment and praying for her instead. If her parents had been atheists she would be alive right now.

A orthodox Jewish couple are suing their neighbors, claiming that an automatic hall light, which is triggered by people entering the hall, imprisons them in their apartment. This, they claim, prevents them from leaving on the Sabbath. If they were atheists instead of idiots they could leave whenever they want.

Eight people drowned a 22 year old mother of two trying to lift a curse from her. She would have been much better off with atheist friends.

An Islamic woman starved one of her children to death, after torturing her, because she thought she was possessed. Her other five children were seriously malnourished. Too bad her mother wasn’t an atheist.

By Fr. Alphonse de Valk has declared that Atheism is a threat to civilization. If he were an atheist he’d be smarter than that. Not to be outdone, Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor has declared that atheists are not fully human.

Opening a dialog between religions may not be a good idea. Ernest McCullough, a Christan, got into an argument about religion with a Muslim, who ended the debate by shooting him in the leg.

In Maryland, a woman starved her son to death because he wouldn’t say Amen. She’s expecting him to be resurrected. That hasn’t happened so far. Yet another child who would have been much better off with atheist parents.

In India at least 50 people went blind staring into the sun looking for an image of the Virgin Mary. Atheists are never blinded by the light.

When woman with an atheist boyfriend asked Pat Robertson for advice about finding a middle ground with her atheist boyfriend, Pat told her to break up with him because he’s “serving the devil.”

In India a “Hindu Taliban” is attacking woman for drinking in bars and dressing inappropriately, including those wearing bathing suits at the beach and t-shirts with pictures of their deities on them. There are no reports of atheists beating up women over religion.

In Afghanistan a Mullah who spoke out against suicide attacks wasmurdered by other members of his religion of peace.

In Russia two Jehovah’s Witnesses went on a murder spree killing 13 people to rid the world of sin. (They should have just become vampires.)

In India two seven year old girls were married to frogs to prevent the disease outbreaks in the village. Atheists don’t advocate girl-frog marriage.

A pretty sixteen year old girl was stabbed to death by her Muslim brotherfor listening to rock and roll and wearing makup. He stabbed her 26 times. He was preserving the family honor.

No atheist would be silly enough to believe their their prayers caused the price of gasoline to drop by twenty cents.

An Oregon couple refused to take their 16 year old son to the hospital for a urinary blockage which could have been easily treated. Instead, they prayed until he died. They were not atheists.

Gail Williams, a 34 year old British Aid Worker, was gunned down by two Taliban holy men who claimed she was spreading Christianity. (Since women are only worth half as much as men in Islam, do you have to shoot two of them for Allah to count it as one kill?)

It was a priest, not an atheist, who told his parishioners they couldn’t receive communion if they voted for Obama.

When a mullah criticized suicide attacks, he was murdered by other members of the “religion of peace.”

It wasn’t atheists, but Armenian and Greek monks who got into a fistfight at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem. If they were Sholin monks we could have seen some cool martial arts moves, but then it wouldn’t have been so entertainingly spastic.

Orthodox Jews, not atheists, have been beating and stoning women for wearing pretty clothes, and attacking stores that sell devices that can access the internet.

Islamic authorities in Malaysia, not atheists, issued a fatwa banning yoga.

An Islamic clerik in Melbourne says it’s OK to rape your wife and beat her.

It wasn’t atheists who held an Angolan woman prisoner for months, until she died.

In Atlanta a Pakistani immigrant, not an atheist, strangled his 25 year old daughter with a bungee chord becuase she wanted to end her arranged marriage and had gotten involved with someone else. He is a Muslim, not an atheist. The same goes for Waheed Alla Moammad (whose name really covers his religious ass) who tried to stab his 19 year old sister to death for going to clubs and an wearing immodest clothing. Yaser Able Said, also a Muslim, murdered his two teenage daughters for having boyfriends. Those stories and others are here.

When Anwar Salameh and Hassan Salameh, Muslims, not atheists, were convicted of murdering their 21 year old sister becuase she had a secret romantic relationship, they complained that their sentences were too severe becuase their family was bereaved. Is there an Arabic word for chutzpah?

The father who beat his daughter before shooting her to death for talking on Facebook was not an atheist.

The Jordanian man who shot his pregnant sister in the side of the head three times for “family honor” wasn’t an atheist either.

A city counsel in the UK allows employees to look at sites about Christianity, Islam, Hinduism and other religions but blocks Atheist sites.. Although the article doesn’t specify the beliefs of the dingleberries who made this decision, it’s a safe bet they’re not atheists.

Christians, not atheists, killed an eight year old autistic boy trying to cure him of demonism.

In Russia, two Jehovah’s Witnesses, who are definitely not atheist, brutally murdered 13 people to help cleanse the world of sin.

In Nigeria hundreds of people were killed in riots between Muslims and Christians fighting over the results of a local election.

Also in Nigeria, hundreds of children have been killed, and hundreds more have been brutally tortured by their parents, who believe they are witches.

Forty Hindu Men, not atheists, beat up eight women for being in a pub. They are part of a Hindu morality police, and despite public outcry, vow to keep doing it.

Mormons, not atheists, contributed about half the money spent to pass Proposition 8, which made gay marriage illegal. Mormons, of course, have always taught that marriage should be between one man and one wo…. Oh, wait… never mind.

Kwara State Police have arrested a goat for car theft. They insist it was an armed robber who tried to steal a car and then turned himself into a goat to escape.

(originally posted on
Tags: atheism, fundamentalism, humanity, religion, religious hysteria
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