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The Teabagging Orgy Of '09 
16th-Apr-2009 01:17 am
"These are not tea-parties. They are tea-tantrums. And the adolescent, unserious hysteria is a function not of a movement regrouping and refinding itself. It's a function of a movement's intellectual collapse and a party's fast-accelerating nervous breakdown."

- Andrew Sullivan, whom I normally dislike on a good day.

I said before that I really think the vast majority of teabaggers today were sore losers from the Presidential election taking a big faux-outraged opportunity to show their ginormous butthurt. That said, I want to have my own final say on what transpired today. Seriously.

I have to hand it to the conservatives who flocked en masse to their respective teabagging destinations, it ran like a well lubed, rock hard piston just slamming... slamming, I say, into so many anonymous meeting places nationwide. I know it got hairy at times, what with everyone getting so worked up, sweaty, hot, and bothered in the fray and fervor of patriotism. I know it was really cold in some places in the north, I hope no one came early, because that would suck really, REALLY hard. I know what else would, and that's getting a little prick from the pins used to hold those tea bags in place! Those teabaggers sure licked the opposition for all it was worth, with such a principled, firm grip on the issues, I'll tell you that right now. I myself watched some of the media coverage and was so inspired by my fellow countrymen that I fell into a stupor on my couch, my head tilted backward and my mouth hanging open with my tongue sticking out - just waiting for something to happen - and in a nutshell, something did.

I felt an uprising deep within me, and the spirit that just came all over me was not unlike that of great patriot Dick Armey. I personally think we could all use an 'ARMY OF REAL DICKS' like him, instead of these fake boobs and plastic nimrods that dwell in Washington - just imagine how much would get done, and how drained to the last drop of pork our government might find itself. We wouldn't stand for all those unwanted lobbyist-types just banging away at our back doors anymore, would we fellow compatriots?! HELL no, reach around and jerk them off of their high horses!

It got me to thinking about how I could strap on my thinking cap and stop putting all of my balls in one basket. I don't believe my thinking is so linear now, mine has always had a kind of a bend in it, it tends to curve to the left. Depending on my position, I can really hit things just right with it when I'm working hard and driving away at something long enough. At times, I've worked so hard at that I've gotten leg cramps! I hope I'm not premature about these things, but this being such a historic day I felt it necessary to lay my feelings bare - back in my youth I didn't care as much. Not that I expect you to give me a hand - jobs like this are important, I just don't want to go off earlier than I want to. But shoot, who does?

I look at the stimulus situation as if I'm driving down the highway with a handful of tightly bound cash sitting on my lap. Imagine it, the windows are open, I'm listening to my favorite Lee Greenwood album, and then BAM! Out of nowhere comes a gust of wind threatening to blow my wad right out the window, and I didn't even feel it before it came upon me so quickly! What a mess when that happens, you really have to be careful with these sticky situations and play safely.

All in all, I've come to realize that a few people can get together and make out like bandits orgasmically counting their booty. That's what I've learned today!


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16th-Apr-2009 05:40 am (UTC)
16th-Apr-2009 05:42 am (UTC)
Can't. Stop. Laughing.

This was seriously excellent. :D
16th-Apr-2009 05:44 am (UTC)
Full of win.
16th-Apr-2009 06:00 am (UTC)
I feel sullied, and unusual ...
16th-Apr-2009 11:07 am (UTC)
16th-Apr-2009 12:19 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*

16th-Apr-2009 06:35 pm (UTC)
i understand the sentiments behind the tea parties, but you make yourself look like the completely idiotic conservative that you are when you draw an analogy between today's situation and the boston tea party. the boston tea party was about taxation without representation. WITHOUT being the key word.

you fuckers have representation. unfortunately for you, they're not the ones you voted for. oh fucking well, democracy at work. get over it and move on.

also, this post was hilarious and made me laugh a lot. win.
16th-Apr-2009 06:35 pm (UTC)
btw the "you" in this comment was in the general sense; obviously you're about the farthest thing from a conservative in existence. :P heh.
17th-Apr-2009 02:16 am (UTC)
Well, FWIW, a brave liberal guy in Seattle was spotted holding up this sign, as reported at Crooks And Liars.
18th-Apr-2009 06:25 am (UTC) - PENIS!
*smokes a cigarette*.
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