I have been taking nods and cues from my environment quite a bit over the past month and a half or so, much more than usual. I've made it a point to step outside of myself and reevaluate some things about me that I need to modify because they're no longer helping me - some in fact are harmful. I accept that I am my own worst enemy and that I'm really mean to myself when you get down to brass tacks. It ain't pretty and I don't like it, but I own it. This is where I start.
Basically, I've had enough and I quit - I give up. I've somehow allowed myself to become someone and something I don't even care for anymore, and that shit's done. For the remainder of the year, no more aggro-bent political rants, no more bitching (although I may have to come 11/04), I killed and buried the username angry_biscuit
, but I haven't killed off the part of me that gave in to all of that anger and frustration so much that there wasn't enough room for the other stuff, the really good stuff to come out and speak more for me and who I really believe I am. I don't mean to be disingenuous and suggest anything on the scale of happy_sunshine_sparkle_biscuit!
, but I definitely need to take myself down a peg. Or six.
I care very deeply about politics and I've gotten far too carried away with it at times. I've let it alienate me in many ways, even at home. That's a fucking shame and I have no one else to blame for that, so I take responsibility for it. I accept that I will never be exhausted from reasons to despise elected officials and the shoddy ways that our government is run, but I will no longer allow this to rule me and dictate how I feel or who I am. All that has done is made me really unhappy, and I'm just about half past giving a shit about that as well.
I worry so much, about so much, all of the time. The economy. Civil rights protections. Blah, blah blah, ad infinitum. There are so many reasons to have no hope that I've really frightened myself into being hopeless, and the realization of this has been pretty grueling. Even the knowledge that things aren't as bad as they're going to get at the moment, let alone how bad they actually could
get, has kind of painted me into a corner. And you know what? I'm tired of it.
I've done a few liberating things for myself in recent days and that has taken me back closer to the foundation of who I am and want to be in this world than I have been in a long time. I feel very out of touch right now with the way I did just a few days ago, marching in lockstep with everyone else who is worrying themselves into mania and sickness and being scared shitless of the next bad thing that's going to come along. All of the sudden that feels far away, thankfully. The worst that could happen is that we deevolve into chaos, but once that happens and your illusions are finally gone, you see how honest and fair that is. You'll never know if you really have control until you lose it first.
I will take better care of myself so that I'm in a better position to take care of others when they need it, and I will be nicer to myself and learn to lighten up again, laugh more, and show more affection to those who suffer its absence when I'm too disconnected.
I will only get my political commentary from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert so that I can get it laughing and without so much frustration for the remainder of the year, and will make a concerted effort to limit the amount of fear-based news that I read.
So yeah. There's that. Moving on to more positive things.