I've felt like I am made of glass for several days now, just the thinnest, most fragile glass you can imagine. Which generally is not nice and I do not like it I have discovered. There are crying jags hiding in the walls just waiting to jump out at me, I know it.
For whatever reason, I have been listening almost exclusively to Ani Difranco and Elton John lately. Her more recent stuff (Reprieve, Evolve, Red Letter Year, Knuckle Down) and his older stuff (Captain Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy, Empty Sky, Don't Shoot Me I'm Only the Piano Player, Madman Across The Water, Rock Of The Westies, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road). Something about them both that is speaking to me a bit louder than usual these days, I'm not sure what but apparently this music wants to be heard. Oh, and Pink Floyd, but only certain songs here and there (Mother, Wish You Were Here, On The Turning Away) and the entire album of The Division Bell - especially Lost For Words.
I'm reconnected to old friends who keep finding me as much as I'm finding them. A surrogate mother figure from my youth found me on Facebook and it was incredible to be able to tell her as an adult what an impact she has had on me in the simplest, most basic of kindnesses we tend to take for granted in our mad-dash-for-the-next thing worlds. Also in my nostalgia I have been thinking muchly about my beloved and exceptionally missed Papa Jack. I'm going to make some bocaditos and/or medianoche in his honor and memory sometime soon. Oh, and either a big pot of gumbo or Bruswick stew, I cannot decide which.
It is taking me a bit longer than I had hoped for to readjust to being home, I went and made a big damn hurry out of September and now October is finding me lethargic and unsteady. I'm looking forward to the weather cooling down again soon, I am itching to go take my bijke downtown and get some new pictures for future artwork before everything stops being green and yellow. I'm looking forward to feeling like I have some energy again and can accomplish something meaningful. October is my favorite month, Halloween and Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays and yet I could so care less at the moment. It feels unsafe to hope for good things right now, everything feels so transitional and the inertia of my life has upset me tremendously.
Is anyone else out there feeling like gravity is just not doing its job? Anyone else afraid of hoping for anything?
So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win
"Lost For Words"
David Gilmour, Pink Floyd