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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Old Friends, Hearing The New In The Old, & A Screaming Muse Who WILL. NOT. BE. QUIET. 
6th-Oct-2008 11:47 pm
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
So.

I've felt like I am made of glass for several days now, just the thinnest, most fragile glass you can imagine. Which generally is not nice and I do not like it I have discovered. There are crying jags hiding in the walls just waiting to jump out at me, I know it.

For whatever reason, I have been listening almost exclusively to Ani Difranco and Elton John lately. Her more recent stuff (Reprieve, Evolve, Red Letter Year, Knuckle Down) and his older stuff (Captain Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy, Empty Sky, Don't Shoot Me I'm Only the Piano Player, Madman Across The Water, Rock Of The Westies, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road). Something about them both that is speaking to me a bit louder than usual these days, I'm not sure what but apparently this music wants to be heard. Oh, and Pink Floyd, but only certain songs here and there (Mother, Wish You Were Here, On The Turning Away) and the entire album of The Division Bell - especially Lost For Words.

I'm reconnected to old friends who keep finding me as much as I'm finding them. A surrogate mother figure from my youth found me on Facebook and it was incredible to be able to tell her as an adult what an impact she has had on me in the simplest, most basic of kindnesses we tend to take for granted in our mad-dash-for-the-next thing worlds. Also in my nostalgia I have been thinking muchly about my beloved and exceptionally missed Papa Jack. I'm going to make some bocaditos and/or medianoche in his honor and memory sometime soon. Oh, and either a big pot of gumbo or Bruswick stew, I cannot decide which.

It is taking me a bit longer than I had hoped for to readjust to being home, I went and made a big damn hurry out of September and now October is finding me lethargic and unsteady. I'm looking forward to the weather cooling down again soon, I am itching to go take my bijke downtown and get some new pictures for future artwork before everything stops being green and yellow. I'm looking forward to feeling like I have some energy again and can accomplish something meaningful. October is my favorite month, Halloween and Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays and yet I could so care less at the moment. It feels unsafe to hope for good things right now, everything feels so transitional and the inertia of my life has upset me tremendously.

Is anyone else out there feeling like gravity is just not doing its job? Anyone else afraid of hoping for anything?
So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win


"Lost For Words"
David Gilmour, Pink Floyd
Comments 
7th-Oct-2008 04:16 am (UTC)
Where were you
when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you
when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself
on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight
into the shining sun

moves me to tears

every.
damn.
time.

[hug]
7th-Oct-2008 04:24 am (UTC)
THAT'S JUST FUCKING CREEPY! I was listening to this very song when this comment came to my inbox!
7th-Oct-2008 04:30 am (UTC)
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
7th-Oct-2008 04:33 am (UTC)
Ah, TFF... Yet another favorite of mine!
7th-Oct-2008 04:33 am (UTC)
I don't like change. The unknown scares me, pushes me out of my comfort zone, a place where I spend too few moments. But I do hope for change for the better, but yes, it scares me to hope for things like better health care, more editing business... when things are perfect, I am afraid to breathe, afraid it will blow away like the tender seeds off a dandelion. You have received quite a jolt, so it will take time to settle down. But you will. Surround yourself with the familiar. Your snow globe just got a little shook up, that's all. Things will settle. I guess you just have to take that leap and trust.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road is one of my absolute favorites. It's the first album I ever purchased. FIfty cents at a basement sale.

But as far as gravity goes:

Here I go and I don't know why
I spin so ceaselessly
til I lose my sense of gravity
7th-Oct-2008 04:36 am (UTC)
OMG I ADORE PATTI!!
7th-Oct-2008 04:59 am (UTC)
Elton John has been there for me throughout many fragile years. I love him and I Love his words. I hope that you are feeling less fragile soon...you are a rock and an anchor to so many of us.

Just let me wake up in the morning
To the smell of new mown hay
To laugh and cry, to live and die
In the brightness of my day

I want to hear the pealing bells
Of distant churches sing
But most of all please free me
From this aching metal ring
And open out this cage towards the sun

For just a Skyline Pigeon
Dreaming of the open
Waiting for the day
He can spread his wings
And fly away again
Fly away skyline pigeon fly
Towards the dreams
You've left so very far behind




Edited at 2008-10-07 05:00 am (UTC)
7th-Oct-2008 01:31 pm (UTC)
Listened to this one yesterday!
7th-Oct-2008 05:25 am (UTC) - Yes Jude there is hope pt 1
You know at my age I have seen life through so many ups and downs. I have gone through many times similar to what you are now going through wondering if there is any safe place in the world, is there any hope left?

I can tell you it has always been like this. You did not see it so much in your youth because the "fragility of life" as you call it doesn't seem to touch most people as much until they get older. Some people do get hit by it earlier but most learn it as they suffer through life and learn the hard way as they age. As we live through these scares and survive them we learn to accept them as part of life.

I was recently watching a TV show from 30 years ago and all the problems we are having now we had then. I was shocked because looking back I did not see them the same at age 25 as I do at age 55. The difference? I am older, not as healthy, and looking back to when they were easier to deal with.

Youth has a resiliency that gets us through so much. As we get older we get tired of the battles and yes we do start seeing the world as a much harsher place, not as safe, not as compassionate wondering where our idealism and hope for a better world went? But it is not all like that even if it *seems* that way.

But it has always been this way. I think part of what you are feeling is natural to aging. No you are not old but do look back without rose colored glasses. Schools did have problems in the 60s. Racial tensions were not easy to deal with. There have always been bullies who used knives and fists instead of guns.

Politicians were crooked then as now. If you go way back hundreds of years it was really even worse.

We have been through so many lay offs during our marriage.They were easier back in the beginning because it was easier to find a job if you lost one when people don't see anything but your gray hair. They didn't see you as a medical liability.They respected experience.

This country is relatively new and still going through growing pains. Sometimes as you know you have to hit rock bottom before you can look up to see the light. It is true of governments too. Maybe it might be best if we hit rock bottom? People would learn to do without so much credit, learn to live on what they make, they might be happier with less. Children might learn to not feel entitled to everything at age 21 that took their parents 30 years to build.

Maybe families might actually share one TV instead of everyone using a different TV in the house not needing each other, not feeling connected? Maybe families would have to depend on each other as they did during the Great Depression? I know for us many of our best years were our worst financially because we had to depend on each other to survive.

Pt 2 to follow
7th-Oct-2008 05:26 am (UTC) - Re: Yes Jude there is hope pt 1
I have learned a lot in my 55 years. One being the only thing that changes is people. We come and go, we change as we age, but the world stage changes very little. If you study history, as I know you do, it was not safe during the 1930s and WWII to be a Jew in Germany. It was not safe to be gay in Hollywood in the 1940s.It was not safe to be a communist in the 1950s. It was not safe to be against the Viet Nam War in the 1960s.

We are but players on a stage that is always changing.

If you embrace the change and look back at the flaws in the past it helps you to see that it really is no different today. Only your perception of it has changed. Accept that there is only so much you can do to make things safe for you and those you love and then just enjoy life every minute, every day the best you can.

When you start seeing the world for what it really always has been you will see it is no more safe, nor less safe than it ever was.

Columbine happened. It did not directly affect you. What happened last week could have changed everything in your life instantly. Yet nothing in the world changed except it awoke you at this point in time to what has always been there.It affected you. It always had that possibility. Now you see it. But you can't let it paralyze you.

Take precautions, make sure this doesn't happen again and the kids are punished. After that you have to find a way to understand that no place in this world including our own homes are safe and it never will be. That is the perspective we need to live life fully because no one has a guarantee of another day. All we can do is our best to enjoy this day and realize that we can only do so much. Most of life is really out of our hands. Control is an illusion of youth. We have very little control in our lives.

Like 9/11 we felt devastated, but we eventually moved forward. Use your feelings to make things safer if you can. But after that I can tell you from experience that you can't live on the edge, feeling the whole world is unsafe. You must go on to enjoy life or these kids like major terrorist take away the life you deserve to live.

Please don't let it rob you of your feelings of happiness today. Every day you dwell on this robs you of another day you may never get back. I learned that the hard way. I hope you can find a way to move forward and find hope in humanity and enjoy life again.

I care, despite all I have suffered I lose hope and I find it again. It is still there you just need to find it.

Hugs, Christina
7th-Oct-2008 06:10 am (UTC)
I guess too much hit you in the past couple of months and since you're an extremely sensitive person it might take a while till all calms down a bit. But it will snap in place, I am sure. You take care, ok?

T
7th-Oct-2008 01:35 pm (UTC)
Essentially, yes - that's a spot on assessment.

I'm doing the best I can, today already feels better than yesterday.
7th-Oct-2008 08:51 am (UTC) - BZZZ-R
OK...
Firstly: I got your big harry back sweetie pie! Sending big bundles of love to you!!... oh... that almost got me distracted from point #2... LOL

Secondly: You should go read my bulletin I just posted to MySpace... that I happen to be writing when you posted this. Weird. Oddly and Beautifully connected.

7th-Oct-2008 01:36 pm (UTC) - Re: BZZZ-R
Only my chest is hairy! ;-P

That was weird indeed!
7th-Oct-2008 11:02 am (UTC)
Being made of glass is an oddly accurate and at the same time poetic description of a crisis period. I've had many such crises in my life, and I've survived them all, and so will you.

You had a terribly stressful experience last week, give yourself some time to recover. And crying isn't such a bad thing, it helps me to pour all negative emotions out of myself, I don't know if it is the same with you. Some people confuse crying with suffering, and think that it would be all OK if you would just stop crying. Well, it's not the case. Here is a quote of Shakespeare for you - from memory, I don't guarantee that it's 100% accurate, it's from King Richard II (I wrote my graduation paper on that book, 10 years ago),

'Tis very true, my grief lies all within
And these external manners of lament
Are merely shadows to the unseen grief
that swells in silence in the tortured soul
There lies the substance...

It's totally out of contest, but a special favourite with me.

Whatever else happened to you in the last tow months, and last week's stress in addition, you are strong enough to survive all crises in your life, it's just a matter of time.

*sending some positive energy*
Darina





7th-Oct-2008 01:39 pm (UTC)
Darina, you totally freak me out - you know that? We have only known each other in a relatively short time, but you feel like an old friend to me in the most natural of ways. Don't get me wrong, I love it as I am growing to love you, I don't think it was an accident that we've become friends.

You came along right when I needed you - how extraordinary!
7th-Oct-2008 01:21 pm (UTC)
October, this month of
expectations spilling outward
onto the palette of trees,
the leaves who hang on as if
the sky has infinite thin threads
fraying at each stem, the gravity
too weak to halt the chameleon of
need and desire, the amorphous hue,
the ambiguous geology of the heart
7th-Oct-2008 01:40 pm (UTC)
Hot smoking fuck - did you write this?
7th-Oct-2008 03:34 pm (UTC) - Someone Saved My Life Tonight
is my all-time favorite song in the world, and Wish You Were Here is a very close second.
7th-Oct-2008 04:00 pm (UTC) - Re: Someone Saved My Life Tonight
My all time favorite is In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. I think it is the most perfect song ever written.
7th-Oct-2008 06:45 pm (UTC)
Hon,

That was a lot to absorb last week, with a ton of emotion involved regardless, it was something that went to the core of your being. You need(ed)to grieve the process of everything and everywhere your mind went to with all of this. It would be easy for me to say I can't imagine, but you know I can and have. I wish sometimes I could communicate these things better.

As for lyrics lately, I too have been listening to Elton John's Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only The Piano Player because of the song and lyrics to "Daniel"

I <3 you!
7th-Oct-2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes, and yes. And I think you do a fine job of communicating these things.

Ah, Elton...

<3
8th-Oct-2008 03:58 pm (UTC)
In terms of the funk, I totally feel you. I keep listening to Ani's "Good Luck" from the new cd, "Red Letter Year" over and over again. Man, I love that CD... :)

Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. Adjustments and change can be hard. *hugs* At least there's always Ani D to listen to :D
8th-Oct-2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
I'm actually feeling pretty great now, thanks!! I hope your funk clears soon, sweetness!
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