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An Open Letter To Sarah Palin 
26th-Sep-2008 11:25 pm
An Open Letter To Sarah Palin
Someone's built a candy castle for my sweet sixteen,
Someone's built a candy brain and filled it in.

- Billy Idol

Dear Governor Palin,
I don't really see many examples of people telling you the truth in a direct way, so I'm going to. The truth is that you're in way over your head, sweetie. I think you know it too, but your arrogance is what makes it hard for many of us to feel sympathy for you. Arrogance for the sake of arrogance isn't very productive any more than style is a legitimate substitute for substance. You should understand what you're dealing with. They got you into this mess and your 10' tall & bulletproof aura is what pushed you through the door, but it will never work, Sarah. It never has, and it never could. You simply don't have the chops. Not even by half. It's sad, too. In the end you'll just be another American Idol loser, and you'll have willed it. You already are.

End it, Sarah - and do it now while you can escape mostly unscathed. They'll hate you for it, but they don't really love you anyway. I'm not the only one who thinks so, and you know it is a bad sign when your fellow conservatives agree. You need to call it all off, and do it before you get into the octagon with Joe Biden and really embarrass yourself. I'm only telling you this because I'm a nice guy, but I must also confess that seeing your campaign go down in proverbial flames is almost too schadenfreudelicious. I'll take that delight because it's easy as long as you keep doing all the work to make it so. Let's face it - fair is fair. When you do embarrassing, you do that shit up, girl. Seriously, I thought I was going to break a rib watching you in nonaction.

The people who lead you into this don't really care about you and don't think much of you. It doesn't matter how good the barbecue is they're serving you, have some self control and stop eating it, it's poisoned with lies. You would do well to become a stranger to lies, by the way. You would also do well to stop behaving guilty while playing innocent. Innocence requires having nothing to hide.

There's no respect from your seemingly adoring coffers, if anything it is rather contemptible what's been done so far. You're just hair, tits, and ass to them. It wouldn't matter how articulate or well versed you might have been for their purposes or where you stand on the issues, you were chosen because you're the beautiful MILF they've never had and all secretly want. You'll kill dinner AND cook it up and serve it to them, and they're all under the spell of something they alone created - and it has nothing to do with you at all. They want the Marilyn, it doesn't matter whether or not there's a Norma Jean as long as they can have Caribou Barbie.

Even the wives of your adoring GOP beaux want you, Sarah. They want to be you, to fuck you, or they want you dead (in their minds) for being hotter to their masters than they ever will be - and they know it. You also serve to protect the Stepford dainties that are validated through the notion that you don't have to be the smartest or the most able as long as you look good. Because after all, it's vanity that truly matters. Oh look at me, speaking to you like you don't already know this. Men love you for the very thing women hate you for, that you'll do what they tell you to do and make it look like it is their idea - and look hot doing it. Maybe it's easier to be hated for those things, but you don't make it easy at all when the other women - REAL women - have plenty of reasons to want to see you fall. That was so cold it stopped just short of SURRENDER DOROTHY. You reap what you sow, they say.

Time for the white towel. You never should have gotten this far, but if you choose to keep on stumbling towards ecstasy then I say let the bloodbath begin. That's as close as I get to sympathetic towards you because frankly you scare the hot smoking fuck out of me.

Speaking of bloodbaths, be careful of Cindy McCain, Sarah - she looks at you as if she already knows what your flesh and veins taste like and how it will smell filling her bathtub when she gets her way at last. That is of course unless Ted Nugent beats her to it and fucks you in half...

27th-Sep-2008 03:52 am (UTC)
May i borrow this with all due credit towards yourself and post it on a politics and celeb trashing messageboard that i use as my own personal ego playground? It's so delicious i want to eat it, and then vomit it up because it's full of so many palin hating calories that i couldn't POSSIBLY ingest it lest i turn into a blimp.
27th-Sep-2008 03:54 am (UTC)
Of course you may - my policy is if I post it here, it is fair game to repost or link to.
27th-Sep-2008 04:01 am (UTC)
p.s. schadenfreudelicious. My new fave made up kraut compound word :D

also, i love that you put "hair" first. LOVES IT AND SQUISHES IT.
27th-Sep-2008 04:11 am (UTC)
Mine too, actually!

HA! You're too much - but that's part of why I love you. ;-)
27th-Sep-2008 04:06 am (UTC) - Palin Post
I love it - too much. What a Jurassic, twisted heifer she is. The Couric interview was laughable - and Joe Biden is heatin' up the open pit to roast that Alaskan moose in the debate. Gawd, what an unfortunate snow monkey she is.
27th-Sep-2008 03:55 pm (UTC) - Re: Palin Post
Why thank you!

At this point, I have no sympathy for her at all. If Biden eviscerates her (which he needs to do, frankly) in the VP debate, she'll have gotten what she asked for.
27th-Sep-2008 04:53 am (UTC)
I wonder what sort of BBQ sauce we should use with moose?

Pretty bad when even the National Review thinks she's out of her league.

I LOVE "schadenfreudelicious". I love that sort of wordplay. Sexy men with big vocabularies make me tumescent.

Edited at 2008-09-27 04:58 am (UTC)
27th-Sep-2008 03:57 pm (UTC)
I suggest hickory smoked salve.

That nutter Katherine Jean Lopez from NRO is even rethinking this all. THAT alone speaks volumes.

I love it too - and thankies!
27th-Sep-2008 04:58 am (UTC)
I didn't click all these links - but was it you elsewhere who posted where the debate format is being altered to suit her lesser knowledge and lack of experience? I personally found that insulting, because it implies the wimminfolk just can't handle all that nasty tough stuff that a man can - when clearly it's just this ONE poorly chosen wimminfolk who can't handle it. Any more than W could four years ago or eight years ago. I don't think they changed the format for him.
27th-Sep-2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
I did not, but if that's actually happening then then those who would ensure that believe in NOTHING. It's particularly insulting from those who can most certainly dish it out, but taking it - now THAT'S somehow unfair.
28th-Sep-2008 07:20 pm (UTC)
Her answer to everything is going to be "but I'm willing to learn!" just like in that town hall where she was asked SPECIFICS and said she was "willing to serve"
27th-Sep-2008 10:35 pm (UTC)
I think schadenfreudelicious is my new favorite word.
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