Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith
jesus_h_biscuit

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Feeling a bit better today

I got a lot done today. I was very proactive. I woke up feeling more tired than I did when I went to bed, but then again that has been my habit as of late. I got my coffee and fired up the computer and caught up on most of my email.

I wrote Daniel an email that I spent the first half of the day on. It was all I could do to keep it together before finishing it, but I managed and sent it. It is my way of handing over to him what I feel needs to be done to repair things between us, and not in the sense that the relationship would resume. There are other issues at hand that have to be discussed before even a friendship with him is possible at this point, anything else is quite out of the question.

Having had a little time to think this all over, I know that I cannot turn my back on him. I know all too well where he is and how terrifying it is. My friends have great empathy for his situation, although until I explained to Mac that this wasn't done on purpose to hurt me, he offered his ass kicking services. (You have to love these crazy straight country boys once you get them to understand more than beer and frat parties and the like.) But after explaining the details, his reaction was one of great sympathy and sadness that "anyone would live like that." Maggie is just mad, but then she mothers me and is EXTREMELY protective. She maintains that she won't always be mad at him for this, but for the time being was not at all happy seeing me in the shape I have been in - besides, she's 6 months pregnant and needs soneone to blame for something. I talked to her earlier this evening (while giving her a back rub - it was funny, because we twisted the body pillow into a donut and she put her big ol' belly in that to lay on her stomach) about where I was with all of this for now, and she gave me the credit that I feel I have earned for being practical. She also told me that she understood that I have to do what is in my heart to do, what I can live with, and what I think is the right thing to do.

So.

For the time being, it is all up to him. I have done all I can do for him, and he will let me know soon enough what he thinks about it all. Until then, I accept that it is out of my hands and has the potential to get worse before it gets better. In other words, the big hurt might not yet be here.
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