Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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I Just Don't Know

I'm not quite sure what to do now, I'm living from moment to moment. One moment I feel somewhat together, and then the next comes along to disturb that.

Daniel maintains that he was causing me too much pain. I find that ironic now, being that he never hurt me until two days ago. Some things before that were a little confusing, but nothing I couldn't handle.

I thought I had used up all of the "hurt" quota I was issued at birth, only to find now that things revert back in such a way that you had forgotten what it was like.

I try to remember what it felt like the last time he made me feel priceless. Had I known it would BE the last time...

This is all very new to me and I'm not sure how I feel about anything right now. All I know for sure is that I feel empty and cursed, robbed and insignificant, and horribly let down - whether his fault or not, unintended or not.

I made him promise me he would go into therapy, and he did. I urged him to talk to his two best friends and finally level with them and be honest, as they have tried already to extend a hand to him and he pushed it away and dismissed it. He cannot do this alone, and the fear of being honest is less than where he will end up if he doesn't take SOME kind of action.

For the time being, I cannot talk to people about any of this. I try and end up only feeling more at a loss. I can talk to him, but only because I miss him and because I'm having a difficult time accepting this. I cannot imagine a life without him in it at this point, I've given too much and am too involved now. I realize he didn't do any of this intentionally, but this is my reality all the same.

The bigger tragedies I cannot bring myself to mention. He was so excited about the future. For whatever insane reason I feel like bursting into tears all of the time now, but I hold it in. And I never know why I would do such a thing.

If you were to look at me on the outside there is not a single scratch to be found, but turn me inside out and there is nothing there but pieces. Until he came along I only ever felt that that was what I was, just pieces.

The truth for me right now is that I'd forget this in a minute just to hold and kiss him again. That having been said, I now know what brings the tears.

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