Okay. So. The news story is this. Christian Bale reportedly ‘flew off the handle’ at mother
when she said some "outrageous things" that insulted his wife. He didn't lay a finger on her. I was really glad of it too, because I didn't want to believe he was capable of doing such a thing.
He left me a voicemail a little while ago pleading with me to call him back. I finally decided that enough time had passed and he wasn't being questioned about it anymore and was finally ready to discuss it. I called him back and this is the gist of the conversation:
Christian Bale: 'ello?
Me: How's your day going, old friend?
Christian Bale: Thanks for calling back so fast, mate - I knew you wouldn't let me down. I haven't really had a moment to meself yet. I assume you know, everyone else does.
Me: What I know is that you were arrested on an alleged assault charge against Jenny, and that somehow Sharon is involved in it as well. The rest I knew you'd fill in for me. By the way, LOVED the movie.
Christian Bale: Yeah, I wished I could be enjoying it all meself right about now, but no - it's all been buggered for the time being.
Me: So what happened, did she speak ill of your bird and you finally just let her have it?
Christian Bale: You're goddamned right I did, Brad - and you would've done the same if it were you. She wsa being a fuckin' doss cunt, so I says "Oh yeah??? Well I got your number Jenny. You can shove your insults right up your arse for all I care, I don't have to take this shite from you. Fuck all if you think I'm going to listen to you talk shite about me wife like this."
Me: Good for you, good for you. I'm proud that you stood up for Sibi like you're supposed to. She doesn't have to like her, but she'd better show her some respect.
Christian Bale: It's not like I'm asking for the moon or the stars, Brad - you know that. You've been my friend ever since you convinced me to audition for Empire Of The Sun, and I didn't cross a line with Mum - she had it coming and I gave it to her.
Me: You don't have to explain this to me, C - I know you better than that. You wouldn't have puffed up and bowed on her screaming "WHO DO YOU BLOODY THINK YOU ARE TO SAY SUCH THINGS TO ME!!! I'M CHRISTIAN FUCKING BALE, BITCH!!!"
Christian Bale: LOL! Well, I did actually say the first bit about "who do you bloody think you are", but it was kneejerk. I feel better now, so enough about this. How's that gorgeous better half of yours? You know, if I ever do jump the fence I'm totally stealing him from you.
Me: Oh please - like you even could if you wanted to. I'm going to tell you what I said to Shia Labeouf and Channing Tatum - you can have sexy time with him as long as he wants it, but you ain't stealin' SHIT.
Christian Bale: Fuckin' lucky bastard, you are. Alright, mate - I'm off to do a press junket and be better at acting than Perez Hilton will ever be at anything, ever. Talk to you later?
Me: Yeah, but all you have to do is walk across a room to achieve that goal.
Christian Bale: ROFLMAO!! ROFLMMFAOOOO!!!!11!1oneoneone
Me: I need to get back to what I was doing - go, be productive and fabulous as usual. And for fuck's sake, stop growing your hair out. What have I told you about that shit?
Christian Bale: Bitch bitch bitch, that's all you ever are...
Me: FUCKER!! *click*