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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
"...just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year..." 
30th-Jun-2008 07:52 am

Title: "because i need you now more than ever"
Date: 12.31.06


For those who don't know, this was the last picture ever taken of my best friend Shane. He hit a homerun, then began having seizures as he crossed home plate. He never regained consciousness and was dead on arrival at the emergency room. It happened on June 30, 2000.

The thing about grief is it never goes away, but eventually you learn to live with it. I've long since accepted his death and am doing fine with it, but I've had a really amazing year and this anniversary is a reminder that I'm happier than I have ever been in my life now, but Shane never got the chance to meet Damien - my reason for it. That, coupled with the fact that conversely Damien will never meet Shane makes sadness well up in me again, but I'm quick to accept the reality and not give in to that sort of stuff too much anymore.

Saturday was the 22 year anniversary that my childhood best friend Staci committed suicide, but I've compartmentalized that one. She was only 14 years old and I don't think she knew enough about the world or how to fight and be tenacious, how to dig in your heels despite the obstacles and persevere. Relatively speaking, she was just a baby - so I cannot be angry with her anymore.

I'm okay, and I have lots to do today to make me productive and purposeful. Besides that - I'm very happy in my life in general, and I have much to be grateful for. My sadness is being replaced with something far more substantial, which I never saw coming, and it's quite amazing. I've said for years now that I could never really be happy without having all my lost loves ones here to share it with. Since I don't believe in an afterlife, I don't believe that they are still with me in any sense beyond my memories, so it has been a learning process for me to find out what I can live with - and I think I finally have.

All of this having been said, I would trade the last year of my life for one more with them.
Comments 
30th-Jun-2008 12:11 pm (UTC)
**pagerhugs**
30th-Jun-2008 12:34 pm (UTC)
:HUGS:
30th-Jun-2008 03:51 pm (UTC)
Love you! BIG HUG!
30th-Jun-2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
I know you dont mean to make your posts sad,, But the depth of your feelings makes me cry everytime I see a post like this.. even though we have never met in person.. You are my friend you are in my heart.. I look forward to your posts every day.. HUGE HUGS MISTER.. it makes me smile to see that you are happy and have a amazing partner that shows you how much you are worth to him and all of us..

Love Chris...
1st-Jul-2008 12:39 pm (UTC)
I love you too, babe! I have a great life, I have few complaints.
30th-Jun-2008 06:17 pm (UTC)
***HUGS****

you really sum it up. I had a deep conversation with my Mother this weekend, she is finally dealing with the loss of my Dad. Unfortunately it brings it all up for me again.
1st-Jul-2008 12:37 pm (UTC)
I know it sounds trite, but it is true what they say about time making it more bearable. It never goes away and there is an ebb and flow to it, but it does become something you can live with somehow. Every day, every week, then a month, then a year, and you feel the same way fundamentally - but it becomes something else.
30th-Jun-2008 11:14 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

Grief is a learning process.
1st-Jul-2008 12:35 pm (UTC)
Indeed - and it's true what they say about time making it more bearable.
30th-Jun-2008 11:27 pm (UTC)
"Though much is taken...much abides."
1st-Jul-2008 03:03 am (UTC)
You have such a great capacity for loving. What a true gift you have. That is why your loss hurts; it equals, pound for pound, the capacity you possess to love those who have passed on.

Don't forget your butterfly visit.
1st-Jul-2008 12:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, I won't!
1st-Jul-2008 03:31 am (UTC)
It's a cruel world that takes away such good people long, long before their time... and a beautiful world that remembers them with such love.
1st-Jul-2008 05:55 am (UTC)
I am coming down to Douglasville on the 9th. I'd like to try and hug you in person.
1st-Jul-2008 12:32 pm (UTC)
That would be lovely - any chance you'll get down to Columbus while you're here? I'll likely be tied to home with work...
2nd-Jul-2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
Hey, this is one of my favourite songs!
Now that I think of it, the prayer for the dead in the version of Christianity we have in Bulgaria is a song, and it has a beautiful sad melody. So a song like Wish You Were Here is probably as good a way for a non-religious person to express their grief as our prayer-song, which is called Eternal Memory.
My village relatives believe in afterlife in a very peculiar way - they are OBSESSED with visiting graves and with complicated half-religious, half-folklore memorial rituals, which are supposed to be somehow helpful to the dead in that afterlife. I don't understand them, but I respect them for doing what they believe is their duty to their loved ones.
My father died when I was a little girl, and he was burried in his native village. When I visit his grave, I just don't feel anything. It seems to me it's the WRONG place to remember him. I prefer to remember him at the places where he was happy to be when he lived.
Who am I to say if there is an afterlife? Let's just cherish our memories of our loved ones, and live our own lives as fully as we can because we are mortal too! It may sound banal, but this is all that I can say.
Darina
2nd-Jul-2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
It is my favorite Pink Floyd song!

I don't visit the graves much, for the same reason as you. They are not felt by me in those places, so it is rather pointless.
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