Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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"...just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year..."

Title: "because i need you now more than ever"
Date: 12.31.06

For those who don't know, this was the last picture ever taken of my best friend Shane. He hit a homerun, then began having seizures as he crossed home plate. He never regained consciousness and was dead on arrival at the emergency room. It happened on June 30, 2000.

The thing about grief is it never goes away, but eventually you learn to live with it. I've long since accepted his death and am doing fine with it, but I've had a really amazing year and this anniversary is a reminder that I'm happier than I have ever been in my life now, but Shane never got the chance to meet Damien - my reason for it. That, coupled with the fact that conversely Damien will never meet Shane makes sadness well up in me again, but I'm quick to accept the reality and not give in to that sort of stuff too much anymore.

Saturday was the 22 year anniversary that my childhood best friend Staci committed suicide, but I've compartmentalized that one. She was only 14 years old and I don't think she knew enough about the world or how to fight and be tenacious, how to dig in your heels despite the obstacles and persevere. Relatively speaking, she was just a baby - so I cannot be angry with her anymore.

I'm okay, and I have lots to do today to make me productive and purposeful. Besides that - I'm very happy in my life in general, and I have much to be grateful for. My sadness is being replaced with something far more substantial, which I never saw coming, and it's quite amazing. I've said for years now that I could never really be happy without having all my lost loves ones here to share it with. Since I don't believe in an afterlife, I don't believe that they are still with me in any sense beyond my memories, so it has been a learning process for me to find out what I can live with - and I think I finally have.

All of this having been said, I would trade the last year of my life for one more with them.
Tags: grief, shane
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