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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Big Time Stuff 
4th-Jun-2008 07:15 pm
Me & D
I did something tremendous for myself a short time ago.

Most of you who know me know that I am partnered to the most fantastic man on the planet. He's simply the best thing that has ever happened to me. If you've spent any amount of time with us together, it should be clear that we are totally enamored of one another. I did not have any conception of how deep this love we share could get until I spent the last year with him living together and the two of us sitting down and having deep conversations about who we wanted to be and what our rules were. It doesn't occur to me to make a decision without first considering how it might affect him before I actually consult him on it. I only feel truly safe and secure when I know he's nearby, and nothing is so wrong in my entire world that he cannot fix simply by walking through the door.

Plus, we laugh - all the time. No, seriously - we laugh ALL. THE. TIME.

So I'm sitting here with my belly full from dinner, completely content and overjoyed that he comes home from this current business trip tomorrow evening, when it dawns on me that I'm smiling for no reason at all. It is my nature to second guess myself when my mood is really high and everything feels good and fine, because I don't really trust it and self sabotage by waiting on the other shoe to drop because it always does. I've never believed I would be happy like this, I was diagnosed bipolar as a child and have had to adjust my life to accommodate the world because it sure as hell wasn't going to accommodate me. It felt safe to just idle at contentedness without longing for more for most of my life, and I resigned myself to the fact that that would be my station and I had to get right with that fact.

Damien has made all the difference in the world for my firm belief that anything is possible. I've challenged myself in so many ways and really grown into something new and better, something infinitely more satisfying than anything I can ever remember having before. It's been a really challenging life I've led, and I've had more than my share of reasons to give up and quit life completely - yet somehow I managed to dig in my heels and keep going forward.

I've only just started to trust what my life has become. It is so full of love and life, chosen family and a bounty of friends, babies and misfits that fit us perfectly. I want for nothing, I've never felt better and I'm more centered than I have ever been before.

So like I said when I started this post, I did something tremendous for myself a short time ago. I gave myself a gift, possibly the best one I've ever given myself before.

I finally gave myself permission to be happy. Some of you understand in fundamental ways what a huge thing this is for me.
Comments 
4th-Jun-2008 11:22 pm (UTC)
Awesome. Just awesome.
10th-Jun-2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks, love!
4th-Jun-2008 11:27 pm (UTC)
I'm happy for you both. John and I have been together almost 15 years now and we couldn't be happier.

A few years ago we were at a concert by Johnna Brook and she sang "God only knows" by the Beach Boys, we just held each-others hands and cried in joy.
10th-Jun-2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
That's my favorite BB song!! Thanks, hon!
(Deleted comment)
10th-Jun-2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
;-)
5th-Jun-2008 12:02 am (UTC)
I'm very happy for you. We all should allow ourselves to be happy!!! I know I did and now 11 years later I still don't feel whole when he's not around.
10th-Jun-2008 03:31 pm (UTC)
Damn skippy!
5th-Jun-2008 12:22 am (UTC)
Doesn't it feel fantastic? We're on the beginning of our 10th year together and still laugh and love all the time. It's fucking fantastic being married to your best friend.

I always hope that my single friends who suffer serial dating still can find this same contentment.

10th-Jun-2008 03:31 pm (UTC)
It's kinds weird in that it feels perfectly normal.
5th-Jun-2008 12:41 am (UTC)
That is just so awesome. Wonderful for you.

I had a sort of breakthrough like that a while ago, where I actually let myself like who I am.
10th-Jun-2008 03:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks - and awesome!
5th-Jun-2008 12:44 am (UTC)
I'm so glad to read this. You deserve to be happy! :)
10th-Jun-2008 03:32 pm (UTC)
Thankies, dahlin'!
5th-Jun-2008 01:39 am (UTC)
You just made me cry.
10th-Jun-2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
Yes, but you're just as sappy as I am so it all works out. ;-p
5th-Jun-2008 02:37 am (UTC)
well, you give me some of that gift every time we talk. . .I know what it is like to be partnered to a great man. . .that knowledge, I think has a lot to do with why we relate so well, and why we are brothers. . .
10th-Jun-2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
Likewise, love - likewise.
5th-Jun-2008 02:52 am (UTC)
I finally gave myself permission to be happy.

Well it's about damn time. Now if you could just show me how to do that for myself, I'd be much better off. *HUGS*
10th-Jun-2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
When it finally dawns on you that you deserve it, everything changes and gets easier, lighter, and less complicated. That's how you know it was time for it.
5th-Jun-2008 03:07 am (UTC)
I love the idea of calling you a happy_biscuit :)

All my best to you both!
10th-Jun-2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
Hmmm... *ponders*
5th-Jun-2008 04:58 am (UTC)
I have to ponder on this for myself, because I truly wonder if I am the only thing standing in the way of my happiness.

And, yeah, I guess we all must concede to life's terms in order to begin to achieve that happiness, some having to concede more than others. It's clearly a battle when neurochemistry has a lot to do with how well or how poorly you can adapt and acclimate.
10th-Jun-2008 03:37 pm (UTC)
I think we are, actually - no one else is responsible for it but us anyway. As I said earlier, when it finally dawns on you that you deserve it, everything changes and gets easier, lighter, and less complicated. That's how you know it was time for it. Until you get to that point, it's all about simplifying life as you get older and remembering that getting older really does mean getting better.
5th-Jun-2008 05:57 am (UTC) - I understand
and am happy you have allowed yourself to be happy
10th-Jun-2008 03:38 pm (UTC) - Re: I understand
Thanks, babe!
5th-Jun-2008 06:30 am (UTC) - inspired
You are magical!
Have I told you I love you today?!

10th-Jun-2008 03:38 pm (UTC) - Re: inspired
No, you. And yes, you tell me that somehow every day of my life - a I do you. ;-)
5th-Jun-2008 07:04 am (UTC)
I finally gave myself permission to be happy. Some of you understand in fundamental ways what a huge thing this is for me.

It's quite beautiful, actually. Congratulations!
10th-Jun-2008 03:39 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sweets!
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