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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
So. 
9th-May-2008 01:24 pm
Tonight is my sister's anniversary party at a place in downtown next to Damien's office. I love her dearly, she's never once been judgmental or even critical of me, not once. Whenever I see her, it's always just a happy thing. I threw my back out yesterday and am in a great deal of pain, but I'm determined to be there - my last Vicodin willing.

I'm reasonably sure that my oldest brother and my father will be there as well, considering this is a family gathering. It will be the first time I've seen or heard from either of them since the big blow-up happened where my father said he was ashamed to be my father and my brother defended him - all over some stupid bullshit. It will also be the first time I've seen my other siblings who were the audience for the big blow-up on me, who saw and heard and said nothing. I'm not sure about you, but when I see an injustice happen and there are witnesses who say nothing, that speaks volumes about them and their character. By saying nothing, you say EVERYTHING. I will not be complacent.

Damien and I are going for my sister's benefit and to show love for her and her husband on their special day. I will take care to avoid people I no longer wish to engage or hold in reverence, and should they attempt conversation with me I'll be quick to give the first single word answer available and then I'm moving away from them. This night is not about me or them, and if they want to try and speak to me then they have options they can take upon themselves to contact me. No scenes, no lame attempts at saving face, I'm not having that. If you cannot do it on your own time because it means something to you, then it's an insult and I'm not going to accept that simply because it is too easy.

I'm done with making a banquet out of crumbs - I deserve better than that and I expect nothing less than what I deserve. I'm done with anyone trying to make me burn for something when it's not my bonfire to be thrown upon. I'm done with being treated unfairly by anyone who expects something of me, I don't owe them loyalty I'm not given. I'm done with anyone who wants a place in my life without earning it, because I'm tired of dispensing my love and energy on people who aren't truly invested in me.

Most of all, I have no time, patience, or use for anyone that refuses to look the love of my life in the eye when he's always by my side and not only appreciate what he's brought to my world, but show him the respect he's earned for having the testicular fortitude to do the work it took when they haven't.

It's a standard for a reason, you don't compromise your principles just because it would be a lot easier than digging in your heels. I'm just glad I have the constitution to draw the lines and say what's what to everyone equally.
Comments 
10th-May-2008 07:55 pm (UTC) - My heart goes out to you
It makes me both livid and extremely sad that parents and family are so caught up in their own closed-mindedness that they can't love and value their own blood and kin. Your story truly touched me. I'm so sorry you've had to go through such things.

My parents disowned me during the 10 year span when I was dating women exclusively, before I discovered that I was in fact bisexual. (I am since quite happily married to a man and have a baby, which of course my parents are thrilled about, but it was what made me happy and I couldn't let myself be influenced by what they would think or approve of.)

My son will be 5 months old next week. One of the things I want so much for him is to always know that regardless of who he becomes or where he finds love throughout his life, I will always be so proud of him and love him dearly with every inch of my heart. This is another reason that reading stories like yours (and watching that heartwrenching clip from Grey's Anatomy) just break my heart, especially now. How can any parent be so disconnected from the basic and immense love for their child? How can they inflict such suffering and heartache in their own offspring? I just don't get it.
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