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Going Through A Rough Time 
12th-Mar-2008 02:14 pm
I'm not doing so well right now. Things are starting to pile up on me and I'm having a bit of a rough go of sorting it out. Normally I can prioritize strife and focus on things that deserve the attention and dismiss those that don't, but there are multiple things going on that are really beginning to weigh me down and causing me to want to withdraw REALLY badly. It's an urge I'm resisting, but it's difficult when every instinct I have to dig in my heels and fight has gone away somewhere and what I want is to crawl into a cave until I feel like it is safe to come back out again. I know that a lot (if not all) of it is a choice. I'm not sure if I believe in such things as the universe is testing me, but that is certainly what it feels like. I woke up feeling incredibly sad, and because it is such a quiet day I've tried to fill it with background noise to cut the deafening silence. Part of it I am sure is my normal struggle with depression, but right now I feel it is the result of a preponderance of outside forces not working against me necessarily, but certainly creating havoc in my own life.

Damien and I have been doing well, very well in fact, but when I am in this rut I feel as though he deserves better than what I give him, even though I love him with everything I have. I don't believe I am worthy of him on a good day because he's just the best, most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I cannot imagine at times like this what he could possibly find in a miserable bastard like me that keeps him so close. Self doubt, however irrational and illogical, is a bitch to overcome. I know it's only a phase and that it will pass in time and I'll go back to feeling like my old self again, but that's where I am right now.

Politics - my passion - is my nemesis right now. I feel incredibly defeated and horribly let down for so many reasons, and the constant sniping between the politicians and their fan bases has really kicked me in the ass. I'm starting to take personally things I need not take personally. Things that don't even have anything to do with me I'm taking personally. For a man that holds the things he believes in very tightly, I find now that I'm filled with doubt. I fear hoping, I fear wishing, and mostly I fear having faith in people I'm terrified will let me down. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime already, which leads me to my family.

Damien's parents have pissed me off, let me down, and disappointed me tremendously. I'm extremely bitter and angry as a result. What's more is they've known that I'm upset with them and their choices, but have failed to try and resolve any of it from their end. My own blood family has little to do with Damien and I at the best of times, so I've continued distancing myself from them and have in the past relied on his family to fill in the gaps - but they're apparently about as invested in me as my blood family. It makes me incredibly angry and spiteful, because they're supposed to take better care of us than they all have. They all just want it on their own terms and no one else's. Fine - but let me have no part of that. I don't want it and neither does he.

People in my chosen family are not stepping up and making the best choices they are capable of. It's infuriating, because it's not as if we don't all know how to make good choices for ourselves and each other. I'm not even getting into that, because if I do I'll just sink further and I don't have the energy right now.

Add to all of this that my allergies are making all of this more difficult and miserable, and it's barely even started yet. I'm eating healthy when I can actually make myself hungry, which is fleeting and only once or twice a day anyway, so at least there's that. Sleep has been more restless than usual. My joy is gone on hiatus again, and even though I'm well aware that all of this is going to pass (it always does), I just don't care right now about much of anything. Perhaps it is a defensive reasoning of my subconscious to just shut me down emotionally in many areas to prevent overload, which is where I've felt I was heading. That actually makes a great deal of sense, but doesn't really make me feel any better. There will be time for that later.

The air show is this weekend, and I always have a good time there. Hopefully that will be the cure for some of this. I'll be fine once I get this stuff sorted out, I always do one way or another.
12th-Mar-2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
One of the useful things I've learned in the last six months is the idea of "right-sizing" things. Is it a big problem or is a small problem? How much of my energy and worry does it truly deserve? Something that seemed like a subtlety but is in fact at the core of the idea is that the size of things can be variable depending on how you're feeling.

I don't know of anyone that I know through here or anywhere else that is so focussed on on the well-being of others as you are. You're fierce about things that you believe in strongly, about the difference you can make, and you turn that strength of belief into strength of action. I wonder, though, if at times like now when for some reason your strength is less if you can't try to pull back, to right-size, to believe that even though through your actions you can make a significant difference, that the world will not fall apart if you make your life smaller, simpler, and more focussed on self-nurture for a while. Instead of worrying about being a warrior for Damien you can let him know what's going on and let him take care of you for a bit.

I think you realize all this but I think that learning to accept that this is just how it works sometimes can be really helpful because then you lose the waste of time and piling on of negative energy that comes from feeling like you're doing something wrong. You're not. You're just doing less right and what you put out into the world will sustain it while you're chilling out.
13th-Mar-2008 02:22 pm (UTC)
You really overwhelm me sometimes, Greg. This actually brought on tears.

You saying these things to me - alongside everyone else who circles a wagon around me - is evidence I've been doing the right things all along. Soon I'll feel it that way again as a normal.

This is also why I'm lucky (if there is such a thing as luck) to have people like you on my side as well as my beloved D, because in contrast to what I've had to put up with it has all come to redefine my sense of normal. It's a shame when behavior that should be normal takes us by surprise.
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