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26th-Feb-2008 12:00 am
Double Barrelled
Dear Louder-Than-Hell Neighbors,
You make no noise all day long until it's time for my beloved to go to sleep around 10PM or so. I hear you talking loudly, stomping around on the same concrete floor we have and under the 25' ceiling that has awesome acoustics, and now you've started running around at 11:34PM and screaming like fucking banshees - actually scaring me to death in the process. Seriously, I almost just came out of my seat. It is only because I gave D 1/2 a sleeping pill and have the box fan running in our bedroom that he didn't wake up six different kinds of grumpy, which would have made you shit-list candidates for sure.

So here's the thing. Fucking stop it. Right now. Because if you don't knock this bullshit off of your own accord, I'm going to pay you a visit first as the nice neighbor who informs you of just how loud you are and invites you over to see how much of your ...shenaningans... we can hear on our side of the wall. I'll explain that sleep is very immportant to us and that it's not like we're asking for much beyond common courtesy. Then it's on you.

I don't want us to have to sleep with earplugs in - not to drown you out, but to drown out the all-night polka fest that will assault you for 8 solid hours when my speakers are placed 4" from your bedroom wall and the music set on repeat - because you can't stop being cuntastic, but it CAN happen. If that's not enough, I got more. I'll have you writhing in pain from the sermons preached with fire and brimstone by the Reverend Jim Jones of the People's Temple and hang a wreath of ALL GOD'S KOOL-AID packets on your fucking door.

After that, I start getting mean. Be told, cunts.
I hope rabid badgers eat your faces off,
26th-Feb-2008 05:17 am (UTC)
Oh... don't forget that Barney is your best friend in this case. Crank it up... as it is mellow and lovely to everyone's ears!
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26th-Feb-2008 05:19 am (UTC)
I had neighbors like that at my old place. They would party on their patio, which was no problem, except it echoed between the houses into my bedroom window, and they'd START partying at 11:30 pm. And you know I'd wake up hearing people talking so loudly I thought they were in my room.

I feel your pain, and I love the payback plans. I just started playing music at 7 am, when they'd be hungover and trying to sleep.
26th-Feb-2008 05:20 am (UTC)
I called the cops on my roomates on xmas eve, cuz their party wouldn't stop at 4:30 am. I hid in my room. Teh WIN.
26th-Feb-2008 06:19 am (UTC)
I've had neighbors like that. I called the cops twice because I suspected domestic abuse. It turned out they were chasing their hyper 2-year-old all over the fucking apartment. So the next night, I turned on my 55-inch TV with the built-in speakers, put in Heavy Metal, and cranked the sound to liquefy.

Gee, they moved out in a month. Wonder why?

Re: rabid badgers--I fucking LOVE that Toyota commercial.
26th-Feb-2008 06:40 am (UTC) - koolaid wreath

That koolaid wreath-- now that is classy.
Don't waste it on them tho.

I think the polka music on continual loop blasting into the walls (and you too heading out for a nice relaxing night someplace else) is indeed a nice touch.

Where is Ann Landers when we truly need her?
Revenge is sweet.

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26th-Feb-2008 02:49 pm (UTC)
I second the suggestion about Barney. Alternatively, mayhaps, an endless loop of, say, Celine Dion, Kenny G, and/or Michael Bolton?
27th-Feb-2008 12:22 pm (UTC)
I respect that kind of bloody-minded cruelty. Well done, good sir!
26th-Feb-2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
I have a lovely bagpipe recording if you need to get really nasty.

And, yes, I know from experience that it works.
26th-Feb-2008 07:49 pm (UTC)
I have a similar problem with my upstairs neighbors. They are both Sweedish. In fact, it was so incredibly bad one night, listening to their putrid, droll techno music at 3 AM, that I decided to play the three ABBA mp3s I have in iTunes on my computer when I left for work a mere 3 hours later. And I blasted that shit. And put it on repeat.
26th-Feb-2008 09:24 pm (UTC)
J'adore fucking asshat neighbors.

Try the cops, too. Lots of counties have noise ordinances after 10PM.

I had to share a floor with some stupid fuckers out in California who drank, fought, slammed doors, threw trash and fought at 1, 2, 3, 4... AM. If you call the cops, they write expensive tickets.
27th-Feb-2008 12:24 pm (UTC)
Not only that, but if the leasing office is responsive to noise ordinance complaints, they can throw some clout around, up to and including "get your shit and get out".
26th-Feb-2008 10:59 pm (UTC)
i have never had to deal with this, since living in colege halls of residence. biccie, i shouldnt laugh.. but goddess forgive me i did.. at your revenge plan and your way with words. i sure hope they s.t.f.u

27th-Feb-2008 04:10 am (UTC)
Y'know, if you have luck like mine, the neighbors would be rabid christians who love the preaching.

But love the revenge plans anyway!

27th-Feb-2008 04:17 am (UTC)
The shit be on!
28th-Feb-2008 12:38 am (UTC) - Revenge is a dish best served LOUD
Please believe me when I say that I am normally a very patient person...however...

The last time I had noisy neighbors (Thank God Me that I now have a house) I cranked "Da' Wrong Nigga to Fuck With" by Ice Cube until the windows were rattling in their frames. I'm pretty sure I heard one of their pictures fall off the wall.

I didn't hear much out of them after that.

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