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25th-Jan-2008 11:00 am
Alright, yesterday was pretty bad, and I really struggled to make do with what I was dealt. I've made my peace, I've said my say, and now I'm done with it. One of my New Year's resolutions was that I will no longer invest myself in people who aren't invested in me - and I'm not going back on that, I don't care who it is.

Here's the thing. I know my worth. I know who takes care of me. I know that I have a great life and that I'm constantly surrounded by love from people who would only judge me and hold my feet to the fire if I were genuinely not living up to my standards - because they all know how important it is that I never become a hypocrite and that I maintain my sense of right and wrong. I know all of this. I had all of this already in place and working for me long before yesterday even happened.

In the end, it wasn't just my father, my brother also took it upon himself to jump in the fray and try to make me the whipping boy. I told him in no uncertain terms that it's not going to happen, and furthermore I'm done. I was dismissed in every point I made and had every bit of it painted with his broad brush of "Poor poor you - you just want to run your agenda, blah blah blah..."

So here's the thing. I know I did nothing wrong. I even had it confirmed by a cousin who was a bystander and read every word of what happened in real time who - like me - is astonished that it went down like that in the first place, and also at how viciously I was treated. He even affirmed that every word I contributed to the entire exchange was well worded and respectful, and that I singled no one out - I was equitable with everyone involved. I know I'm right in this, and the best thing about that is that when you're arguing on the side of right, you have nothing to justify - you're just RIGHT. It's not a case of "Well, I think I'm right", because I check and balance to make certain I am right before I get on the soapbox. That way, I know I don't have to eat my words later and flip flop on principles like so many others. That's no way to get or keep respect.

I have high standards for those I love and they are high standards for a reason. You don't compromise them, you don't bend rules to accommodate a chosen few, and you don't lower them just because that would be easier than digging in your heels and toughing it out. Rather a stand for something or own that you stand for nothing kind of thing, really. No one gets special priviledge based on genetics or senority, because there's no sense of fairness there. I tow the same exact line with everyone.

I want to thank every one of you that commented to yesterday's post and called me to make sure I was okay, you all really made a significant difference for me. I have the best friends in the world, and I know how lucky I am to have all of you who came running when I needed you most. Unlike some, you didn't fail me in a time of need and I'm never going to forget that.

I will never love the hand that beats me.
I will never compromise my dignity for the sake of comfort.
I will never again be invested in those who are not invested in me.
I will not be complacent and smile and nod to keep the boat from rocking.

...and I won't EVER wear my wishbone where my backbone should be.

I'm done - my head is clear - back to business.
28th-Jan-2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
This is a really excellent post - not because of what you've had to go through but because of the sentiments you express. More people need to adopt your manifestos when it comes to relationships of any kind - including with oneself. It all comes down to respect, and when you weren't given it, you stood up for yourself and left with your dignity.

I'm sorry that you had to go through this with someone who is meant to be supportive no matter what, but thank you for posting your thoughts on relationship standards. Take care.
28th-Jan-2008 07:45 pm (UTC)
I thank you. I just do what I think makes sense and preserves myself.

I don't know that I've ever felt supported no matter what, that's the point. I think that having to examine it under that microscope is what makes me feel as I do about all of this now, and makes it a bit easier to cope with.

Thanks, babe!
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