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25th-Jan-2008 11:00 am
Alright, yesterday was pretty bad, and I really struggled to make do with what I was dealt. I've made my peace, I've said my say, and now I'm done with it. One of my New Year's resolutions was that I will no longer invest myself in people who aren't invested in me - and I'm not going back on that, I don't care who it is.

Here's the thing. I know my worth. I know who takes care of me. I know that I have a great life and that I'm constantly surrounded by love from people who would only judge me and hold my feet to the fire if I were genuinely not living up to my standards - because they all know how important it is that I never become a hypocrite and that I maintain my sense of right and wrong. I know all of this. I had all of this already in place and working for me long before yesterday even happened.

In the end, it wasn't just my father, my brother also took it upon himself to jump in the fray and try to make me the whipping boy. I told him in no uncertain terms that it's not going to happen, and furthermore I'm done. I was dismissed in every point I made and had every bit of it painted with his broad brush of "Poor poor you - you just want to run your agenda, blah blah blah..."

So here's the thing. I know I did nothing wrong. I even had it confirmed by a cousin who was a bystander and read every word of what happened in real time who - like me - is astonished that it went down like that in the first place, and also at how viciously I was treated. He even affirmed that every word I contributed to the entire exchange was well worded and respectful, and that I singled no one out - I was equitable with everyone involved. I know I'm right in this, and the best thing about that is that when you're arguing on the side of right, you have nothing to justify - you're just RIGHT. It's not a case of "Well, I think I'm right", because I check and balance to make certain I am right before I get on the soapbox. That way, I know I don't have to eat my words later and flip flop on principles like so many others. That's no way to get or keep respect.

I have high standards for those I love and they are high standards for a reason. You don't compromise them, you don't bend rules to accommodate a chosen few, and you don't lower them just because that would be easier than digging in your heels and toughing it out. Rather a stand for something or own that you stand for nothing kind of thing, really. No one gets special priviledge based on genetics or senority, because there's no sense of fairness there. I tow the same exact line with everyone.

I want to thank every one of you that commented to yesterday's post and called me to make sure I was okay, you all really made a significant difference for me. I have the best friends in the world, and I know how lucky I am to have all of you who came running when I needed you most. Unlike some, you didn't fail me in a time of need and I'm never going to forget that.

I will never love the hand that beats me.
I will never compromise my dignity for the sake of comfort.
I will never again be invested in those who are not invested in me.
I will not be complacent and smile and nod to keep the boat from rocking.

...and I won't EVER wear my wishbone where my backbone should be.

I'm done - my head is clear - back to business.
(Deleted comment)
25th-Jan-2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
He behaved very badly with me, and it was not the first time - which is partly why I am being a stickler about my position here. I don't wish anything bad on him or anyone in my family, no matter how angry or hurt I am I love him and only want the best for him - even if he chooses not to have me as part of that.

I am the best of him, but will never be the worst of him.

I appreciate it, babe!
25th-Jan-2008 04:14 pm (UTC)
I'm done - my head is clear - back to business

ok, i normally wouldn't do this, but...

*cue the piano*

"at first i was afraid, i was petrified...."

25th-Jan-2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
*sashays & shimmys*
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25th-Jan-2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
Because your entire life is not wrapped up in LJ, and there are times when things just fall through cracks.

I see your hearts and flowers and sparklies, and I raise you three shiny baubles, one mini disco ball, and an Apocalypse Pony with rainbow Brite riding side saddle...
(Deleted comment)
25th-Jan-2008 04:19 pm (UTC)
Your intelligence, self-confidence, and maturity continue to earn you my highest respect and admiration. Know that if you ever choose to be a father, or a role model for children and young adults in any capacity, you will do better than your father has with you. Perhaps knowing that his treatment of you will benefit all those whom you encounter will give some sort of value, or silver lining, to the cloud that has been this relationship with your father.

I know we're not that far apart in age (or if we are we interact as peers) but I look up to you for the way you've faced this issue--I hope that one day, I can do the same in my own context. Thanks for sharing this tough time with your f-list, while I'm sure it was therapy for you, it was for me, as well. Thanks!!!
25th-Jan-2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
Like I said before - I am the best of him, but not the worst. that, he can keep for himself because I don't want it and no one else deserves it.

I appreciate it, love!
25th-Jan-2008 04:23 pm (UTC)
Sorry it went down so shitty for you. Seems that sometimes nobody can be as cruel and petty as blood relatives can be. Glad you stood your ground.
25th-Jan-2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
It's okay, I bounce back pretty well. Pretty much - and the notion that DNA gives one a free pass for bad behavior? Yeah - I don't know who came up with that one, but I want to staple their nuts to a chair and slap then with the ass end of a dead ferret.

I appreciate it!
25th-Jan-2008 05:00 pm (UTC)
I know I'm right in this, and the best thing about that is that when you're arguing on the side of right, you have nothing to justify - you're just RIGHT.

The down side of this, of course, is that when you know you're right (at least for me), there's a period of frustration of Why don't THEY understand that I'm right?? Which passes, but (again, at least for me) not without a significant tooth-gnashing.
29th-Jan-2008 05:25 pm (UTC)
It's something I'll never understand.
25th-Jan-2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
Wow, I don't know how I missed this yesterday. I'm still confused in what context this was said (in person? email?). Regardless, cruel seems to be the most appropriate word.

As you said, "...back to business" and get on with your life. You are surrounded by investments with a much greater return. :)
25th-Jan-2008 06:53 pm (UTC)
It was once again the email thing where I've posted about it before - Librul Hatin' GOP propaganda, and I had my fill.

25th-Jan-2008 07:32 pm (UTC)
I feel like we are playing from from the same pages ::hugs:: I have a com to conclusion that I will never meet you but you are always in my hearts. Who know you come to the capital of Country music I can buy you a drink and hang out
29th-Jan-2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, we'll meet sooner or later. Believe that!
26th-Jan-2008 12:20 am (UTC)
Good for you.

29th-Jan-2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
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29th-Jan-2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
LOVE that quote!
26th-Jan-2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
...and I won't EVER wear my wishbone where my backbone should be.

Damn right.
29th-Jan-2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
Isn't that great?
28th-Jan-2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
This is a really excellent post - not because of what you've had to go through but because of the sentiments you express. More people need to adopt your manifestos when it comes to relationships of any kind - including with oneself. It all comes down to respect, and when you weren't given it, you stood up for yourself and left with your dignity.

I'm sorry that you had to go through this with someone who is meant to be supportive no matter what, but thank you for posting your thoughts on relationship standards. Take care.
28th-Jan-2008 07:45 pm (UTC)
I thank you. I just do what I think makes sense and preserves myself.

I don't know that I've ever felt supported no matter what, that's the point. I think that having to examine it under that microscope is what makes me feel as I do about all of this now, and makes it a bit easier to cope with.

Thanks, babe!
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