Finally, I know where I stand.
12:02 PM, Thursday, January 24, 2008.
"I am ashamed to be called your Dad."
This is the most vile, cruel, meanspirited thing he's ever said to me. It took me years to write him the letter I gave him on Father's Day '06
, because I wanted to take as much care and time with it as I could so that it would be perfect, and I think it was. I wrote that beautiful letter as a son honoring his father, and he just now threw me away with both hands. I can guarantee you that none of my brothers have ever written him anything as heartfelt, but as long as they smile and nod and don't rock the boat, it doesn't matter. Maybe I should have known better, but I have no regret for writing that letter and I meant every word of it.
All I can think about is how no matter what he does from now on, he can never take this back. I don't want him to. I always felt like he was ashamed of me and actively trying to suppress my voice my entire life, and now at least I really know where I stand and how I rank. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough for him, and loving him in spite of how hard that has been to do sometimes. All little boys want to feel loved by their fathers and feel that they are proud of them, and this is what I'm left with. In saying that to me, everything has changed.
I called his house to tell him that I loved him and always have, in spite of how badly I think he has behaved with me in the past. My stepmother answered the phone and he told her "Tell him I'm not here - no, tell him I can't get to the phone."
She told me that he couldn't get to the phone and I said "I heard what he said, and I also heard him say 'tell him I'm not here' - that's fine, I see how this is."
I stopped short of calling it pathetic and cowardly, because at that moment I just wanted to be done with it. I'm still so hurt and angry that I'm shaking uncontrollably. I've spent almost two hours now writing this post because of it.
I guess he's done with me because he made that rather clear in this and every other thing he last said to me in his most recent (and final) email, also copied to every member of my family. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing if this is what he's really made of. That is it's own special brand of pain, right there.
It's a good thing I have created a family for myself that loves me much better than this and doesn't make me work so hard for it, otherwise I'd never stop crying from this.