Brad Smith (jesus_h_biscuit) wrote,
Brad Smith

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Happy New Year


I'm sitting here alone, pondering exactly what it is about me that feels so out of place right now. I don't quite know how to explain it. Things are getting strange again and I'm trying to build up that part of me that can just grin and bear it.

Daniel is backing off again and I don't understand why. He came over earlier and we had dinner together, then I was tired so we laid down to rest for a bit. He barely touched me. He greeted me with this great bear hug, and was kind of standoffish for the rest of the time he was here. Which is not like him normally.

I'm not sure what is going on, and I'm not going to conclude anything. The only thing I know for certain is that while he feels that I'm giving him my all (and I'm trying), that he gives nothing back in return. And I don't understand that. Sure, we don't go out like he does with his friends. Yes, he's paranoid about anyone finding out. I know and understand all of this. But is it so bad in light of the fact that when we're together most of the time it's like Disneyland? I thought things were pretty good. I still think they are. Definitely a bit odd, but that was part of it going in and I accepted that just like I do now.

I suppose I'm just disappointed. Because I'm over here missing him and wondering what he's thinking and I wonder if he's doing the same and I cannot give myself an answer. It's not as though I'm asking for much, these things he feels he's not giving me - I just really enjoy him being here, learning from him and teaching him at the same time, sharing myself with him, and getting/giving affection.

I got this wonderful birthday card from him two weeks ago telling me about how he looks forward to what the future holds, about how much I've given to the quality of his life. And yet I'm scared he's backing out on me. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I could take that. Not right now, not when I've worked SO hard to have something good and share it.

Then again, maybe I'm just being paranoid from this bottle of champagne that I've consumed all by myself. When I hugged him goodnight and had to wait to see if he was going to give me a kiss, the fact that I even had to do that almost put me in tears.

What did I do in my life that was SO wrong that I'm sitting here now feeling like this?

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