I'm thinking of some friends, some of whom I think of as friends I have loved deeply and feel all of that now in the past tense. And that makes me very sad. Even angry. If you think it's you, maybe it is. If it is, you'll know it. The only question is what are you going to do about it?
It all got started when I was talking to my friend Shannon the other day, and she was in the process of ending a lifelong friendship out of necessity and putting another on notice. She wrote about it in her own LJ, and I felt every word of it in a profound way. Then yesterday Damien mentioned to me that he was thinking about a mutual friend of ours that has completely ignored us for months now. When he asked me to guess who it was, I guessed someone else who fit that same description. He told me who it was, and went so far as to say that he misses him so much that he even came to tears about it recently - which made my anger rise quickly and I could taste the iron in my blood in my mouth. It happens when I am angry or fearful, that metallic taste. Ever since then, I'm emotionally bombarded with the friends who aren't. For the record, the person I was thinking of when he asked me to guess was the same person I messaged just a few days ago saying "I miss you - I really do", and got -0- response. That's pretty shameful.
I know that throughout the course of your life, you have intense feelings about people who end up all being categorized in some way or another. I believe in that whole notion of reason/season/lifetime. That people come into your life in one of those ways, either for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It's just that there are people I have literally given my all to, who successfully convinced me that they were in the ranks of my lifetime people - and end up anything but. I feel scammed in a way, I feel ripped off.
I've bled my goddamn guts out for some of these people, and what I have to show for it now is a few memories that quickly go sour and a handful of pictures I look at now and then when I can stand to do it. And if fucking pisses me off. I don't beg ANYONE to love me, you either do or you don't. If you do, then you'll love me enough to take care of it and give a damn about it. You'll be there for me when I need you to be and you'll be falling over yourself to do it. If I called you and I were obviously upset, you would never ask me if I'm okay - I'd hear you grabbing your car keys and you'd be asking me where I was and telling me you were on the way.
You would never look at me like I was crazy when I'm making perfect sense.
You would never take for granted that I am always going to be there for you, even if you're not taking care of me like you should.
You would never let me ache for you in your absence, thinking "this is really happening".
You would never let me miss you in the first place.
You would never let me find out what is going on with you from someone else, let alone your LiveJournal or MySpace page.
You would answer my phone calls, emails, and text messages saying "I was just thinking about you, I love you and wanted you to know".
You would respond to messages of "I miss you, and I don't like that I have to".
You would never be content to know that I hurt because of you without making amends and kicking your ass for ever letting it happen in the first place.
You would call me now and then just because you wanted to talk to me and not because you needed or wanted something from me.
You would take any opportunity to look at how good your life is and find a way to thank me for helping you be the better person you are.
A little bit more of me is dying as I write this, and you don't even care. Or you're so embarrassed by your lack of involvement and disinterest when I call you on it that you do even more to dishonor it by letting things be, letting it stay that way. The big bad world tore you down and left you for dead, but I couldn't have that - I helped rebuild you and stomped and clapped and cheered for every little baby step you took, measured your successes and pointed out every flower on the path we walked. I didn't do it because I had to, I did it because I loved you. And here I am missing you, wondering how it is even possible that you could let me do that.
I'm tired of feeling broken down from this shit, because that's what it is. You insult me and you insult my heart, and I'm too hurt to even get near how angry I know I am deep down. I'm tired of how much it hurts me wondering if you're worth all of this.
Maybe one of you is reading this now and it is like a knife at your throat - it's not my knife, it's your own. Don't think you have the nerve to ask me if I'm writing about you - YOU DON'T. If this speaks to you, don't waste my time with that nonsense. If I am, you'll know it - do something about it or don't.
Maybe you're reading this and it puts you on the defensive, and you want to point out my own shortcomings instead of being accountable for your own - does that change the fact that this is what I've been reduced to, this is how I see you, and you're doing nothing to put brakes on that? You're thinking of how to retaliate and dish this back out on me instead of doing what you SHOULD be doing, thinking "Holy fuck, that's how he sees me. I can't have this, I have to fix this RIGHT NOW."
Maybe you're reading this and time and distance just doesn't make it mean for you what it would have a year or two ago - and you won't even have the balls to admit it.
Maybe you're reading this and you know it has nothing to do with your relationship with me, but it's hitting a raw nerve with your relationship to someone else.
I do right by everyone - it is a given. I don't fail my friends, and if I ever feel like I am, I work hard to make amends long before they would have to let me know I'm dropping the ball. My life gets the best of me sometimes and I don't pay as close attention as I would like, but goddamnit I TRY. I'm far from perfect, but I TRY. I know just how fleeting this life really is.
Will it take me saying directly to you "I give up, I'm not chasing after you anymore to get love or give love - it's on you now. I either matter enough or I don't, make a choice." I have to tell you, if it comes down to that, if I decide to go that far, that's damage I won't try and fix. Sometimes broke is just broke.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves, and you know it.