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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Bear With Me, Folks... 
22nd-Jul-2002 08:46 am
Okay. Here's the deal.

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with some things I have been dealing with since I was quite young. Things that have been provoked in me lately that I have only just recently remembered. Things I should probably write about but I'm not sure how. Things I have tried to forget for most of my life but they always find me. Things I don't want to say because once I say them they will become real and I don't know that I can handle that. Things I know will unleash something from within me that I am completely terrified of, and right now I feel it bite and writhe and claw beneath my skin.

I cannot begin to talk about this. I never really have. I'm not prepared for my own words, tears, or those of anyone who would hear or see them coming from me. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be stared at, I don't want A N Y O N E asking me "Are you okay - Is something wrong - Do you want to talk about it", etc. etc. etc...

So just bear with me. I don't know what to do and I'm not about to accept anyone's advice about it right now. I love the people close to me more than anything right now, and I know that some of you want to help - if I come to you with this, then and only then will I be in a position to talk about it.

Being happy most of the time and being positive and nurturing comes naturally to me. On the outside there are no scratches to be found on me. If you could turn me inside out you would only see pieces right now.

I used to wish that there really WAS a God and that God would have believed in justice for my tattered soul. I would have gotten to kill that unimaginable motherfucking monster myself and he would know everything I know about pain and suffering... And the last image he would carry into hell would be my face standing over HIS broken and bleeding body - and I'd be wide eyed and smiling. But that man is dead and there is no God. So I'm stuck with this hate and this rage, just stuck here burning and burning and burning.



Orestes - A Perfect Circle

Metaphor for a missing moment
Pull me into your perfect circle

One womb
One shape
One resolve

Liberate this will
To release us all

Gotta cut away
Clear away
Snip away and sever this umbilical residue
That's keeping me from killing you

And from pulling you down with me in here
I can almost hear you scream

Give me
One more medicated peaceful moment
One more medicated peaceful moment

And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility

Gotta cut away
Clear away
Snip away and sever this umbilical residue

Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this umbilical residue
That's keeping me from killing you
Keeping me from killing you
Comments 
22nd-Jul-2002 07:19 am (UTC)
I love you sweetie.
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