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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Once again, fuck me. 
18th-Apr-2005 12:44 pm
I tell D that I needed the break from feeling down, and that I wasn't going to think about anything that is bothering me. He's in a bit of a funk as well, so I was trying to be encouraging for the both of us. I could be sad if I let myself think too much, so the alternative was to keep myself busy with the things I need to take care of and stay occupied. So what happens the minute I stop to take a quick moment for myself? The same thing that invariably always happens, the thing I try hardest not to think about is right there staring me in the face, sort of tauntingly as if it wanted to say "You can try all you want, I didn't go anywhere. I can still make you feel like complete shit anytime I want to, so there."

So now everytime I finish a thought, there it is making me sick to my goddamned stomach. I swear, sometimes I cannot win for fucking losing. Now I'm all frustrated and my heart is in my throat, and I wonder why I even bothered getting out of fucking bed today if this is what I would end up feeling like. I tried so hard not to let this happen today, I really did.
Comments 
18th-Apr-2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
What is it you try hardest not to think about? Is it something you'd be willing to talk with me about? It might help...

D
18th-Apr-2005 04:56 pm (UTC)
Yeah, what he said... *hugz
18th-Apr-2005 05:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks - I need those a lot these days. Hurry up and make it a real one, for fuck's sake. I'm holding out to the weekend when I know a lot of my close friends will be here for Riverfest, so I'll get lots of them.
18th-Apr-2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
My own private hell, the kind of stuff that no one else can help with, it's all internal conflict and talking about it only compounds it. If I had the words, I might be able to talk this bullshit out - but it's not something I care to drag myself or anyone else I love through. I can work this out eventually, it's just very cumbersome, annoying, and inconvenient. I love you all the more for being the first one to try and fix what is broken, but this one is on me. Don't worry, it's just life stuff. If it weren't this, it would probably be something else.
18th-Apr-2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
*many many hugs*

I hope things get better. And do remember, whether you choose to act on this knowledge or not, that the people who love you are there to go through all that shit with you, and happily, because we'd much rather be down in the ditch with you to help you get out than standing above on the edge watching you struggle but not able to reach you.

I know there are some things that everyone has to handle on their own. But don't try to do that just because you don't want it to affect those you love. You aren't doing us any favors - we'd much rather struggle with you.
18th-Apr-2005 08:39 pm (UTC)
This one is a very fine line, though. Again, it's all about being conflicted. I appreciate exactly where you're going with this though, and I love you for it H. I'm just in a funk is all, like it always has before this will also pass eventually. That being said, it is great when your loved ones make a point of letting you know they're there for you, it makes all of this a lot more bearable. It is one thing to be aware of it, it is quite another to be encouraged.
18th-Apr-2005 05:05 pm (UTC)
I hate to hear that you're feeling down....by reading your journal and seeing the side of you that I feel I've come to really admire, I also feel like a lurker when I read about your personal struggles.

I know how "life stuff" can be. And, I also know that much of what we perceive as drama is really just our own amplification of the situation. There's a Zen Buddhist saying that goes, "Whatever you think is delusion." Our minds take situations and events and make them worse or better than they really are.

I'd suggest that you find a quiet place and welcome those feelings of despair. They won't hurt you, they're only feelings. Look at them, examine them, be with them. They are a part of you, then, after a time, let them go. Then, I hope you can find peace.

Namaste.
18th-Apr-2005 05:09 pm (UTC)
Oh, it's totally just life stuff that eventually will work itself out, I'm not always going to feel down. This afternoon, once everything that needs to be taken care of is taken care of, I'm getting on my bike and working up a sweat - that's the best thing I can do for myself when I get frustrated.
18th-Apr-2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
The golden rule about self-pity:

As a human being, you are allocated 5 minutes a day of self-pity to give to yourself. So, give yourself the opportunity to wallow in it for 5 minutes, and 5 MINUTES ONLY. Once you are done, start thinking about solutions...
18th-Apr-2005 08:41 pm (UTC)
While that is a great idea that I could put into practice for many, many things, unfortunately this isn't one of them. This just requires time and a lot of self-work on my part.
18th-Apr-2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
Hey buddy -- stumbled across your journal through a friend. We all feel the way you do at times. We all struggle with it. The question is, what are you going to do about it? A great book if you haven't read it is "Excuse me, your life is waiting." Give it a read. I loved it. Big hugs.
18th-Apr-2005 08:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks, you're sweet. The thing is there are some things in life that you just have to let go of and hope for the best, particularly where you don't have a choice. It sucks, but hey - it can't always be peaches and cream - else how would you appreciate it when everything is great?
18th-Apr-2005 07:02 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Honey I know the feeling and am living it but the roller coaster does get to a high point eventually. Take those you love and wallow in their love and presence that seems to help m. When my babygirl comes and hugs me and says " your the best" I have trouble crying
18th-Apr-2005 08:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks, hon - I appreciate it. I know what you mean, Avery is wearing a little dress with saggy shoulder straps that keep falling down. When I mentioned to her that she needed to keep them up on her shoulders lest her boobies come popping out, she replied "But they're so cute!"
18th-Apr-2005 07:48 pm (UTC)
I wholeheartedly believe that everyone has their own story. Most everyone believes they are alone in certain struggles. One thing that is so great about humans is that we are unique, but not THAT unique. The specific scenario may be fairly specific, but the feelings and emotions are being felt by lots of people all at the same moment. Thats why friends are so important. And thats why we have the power to pick our friends. Friends who have felt lonely, confused, angry, or scared.

I am going to be blunt here too. Sometimes when we feel like we are burdening others by sharing our issues, that just allows us to perpetuate the cycle of victim playing. To be honest, I have done lots of treatment over the years and havent had the most exciting of lives, but I do know that my friends burdens can be lifted or alleviated when I talk to them. Just let a friend or someone close to you take your burdens, thoughts, and emotions, and put them in a box for awhile. And when the come back, your friend already has that box to open and put some more in.

Anyways, I hope I am not crossing the line in telling you this...
18th-Apr-2005 08:50 pm (UTC)
I know that there is no real isolation in this stuff, particularly when you're emotionally connected to others as they all share your burdens with you. The problem(s) is(are) such that in time, it will all be worked out one way or the other. I have no power to affect any positive change, so I just wait until my time comes as patiently as I can.

You've crossed no lines here, but I guard my emotional privacy like a tigress does her cubs.
18th-Apr-2005 08:03 pm (UTC)
I hope the day gets better for you as it goes on.
We don't really know eachother, but if your friends aren't around or something
and you are feeling bad and need someone to listen, I'm good at that.
18th-Apr-2005 08:50 pm (UTC)
I appreciate it, hon - thanks!
18th-Apr-2005 08:16 pm (UTC)
I'm not going to baffle you will bullshit. It's always been there and it always will - We both know that. The triggers are becoming sharper lately, though. The mental straight line ("talk") is rarely ever the shortest distance from here to there, but few who don't understand where you are at the moment could possibly comprehend that.

Unfortunately I don't think we can make it to Riverfest. You have no idea how much that breaks my heart. Well if anyone does, you do.

Love,
Nettie
18th-Apr-2005 08:52 pm (UTC)
The triggers, like the circumstances, are just different. Everything in its own time.

Hey, we can't always do everything we want to do, but there is always a better time - right? I don't mean for that to sound as rhetorical as I'm sure it does, but you get what I'm saying.
19th-Apr-2005 01:18 am (UTC)
As it turns out, we will be able to be there for Friday. We just need some tips on where to stay.

kthxbye.
19th-Apr-2005 01:20 pm (UTC) - Thanks....
Jude-
Thanks for the email! I really appreciate the response!!! I do plan on responding but wanted to post first... to keep inline with the topic and post this link....
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0504/14/lkl.01.html

Did anyone catch this? It was last week and made for interesting entertainment (if you can call it that) while I was on the elliptical. Nonetheless, it did pass the time.....
B


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