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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks. 
11th-Apr-2005 10:48 am
After a very emotionally tumultuous week, I'm getting a little welcomed clarity. I didn't stop by any bar at 3AM seeking solace in a bottle or possibly a friend for it either, though both would have been equally welcomed. I owe it all to my amazing partner who never ceases to give me pause with how completely, unbelievably beautiful he is. There is very little in life that a person who loves you wholly cannot make better - just by holding you and letting you cry. It's astonishing, just when I think I don't know how to get him closer to my heart, he says or does the unexpected thing that makes me realize I don't give him the credit he deserves. Life is all about the learning, though.

The depression is still somewhat place like a bad muscle spasm that doesn't want to let go, but I believe more today than I have in a week and change that I'm just out of sorts and going through some emotional stuff and not backsliding into some abyssmal horror that wants to swallow me whole and then spit the bones back out. I still feel anxious and nervous, and a little like there's a bomb about to go off nearby and I don't have any safe place to hide. I have to admit, that sucks less than feeling like I'm walking around in another somebody's random, meaningless dream - and at any moment that person will awake and I'll simply disappear in the air like smoke does, and they'll forget they ever even dreamed me. So comparatively, this is better. Look, I am trying to be optimistic and make the best of a bad situation. I still feel somewhat melancholy and weary, but even that has taken on less of an all-consuming feel since yesterday. The allergies are still very bad, I think I've taken two layers minimum of skin off my nose with the constant regimen of sneezing fits and subsequent noseblowing.

I've got a few close friends I'm worried about for varied reasons, all in some stage of need, desperation, grief, or other various and sundry things. You all know who you are and you all know that I love you with all of my worth - even those of you who may not think I do. It doesn't matter how long we've all known each other or whether or not we've ever even met in real life at all for me to want better things for you than you might want for yourself, and that's how I define love. Even if you think I don't know what is going on with you because you haven't come outright and said anything, you don't have to - I just know, okay? Leave it at that, the how and why are not important.

I've got a news post coming shortly, just a few interesting things here and there. I'm hopeful that today can be better for everyone I know who needs it. If you know I love you, then trust that it is enough to save us all from ourselves. If you need some of that, there's plenty to go around. I believe that it is only because of the love and affection I get from you people that I can climb out of this hole. I wish for as much hope and promise for us all. Whatever you're doing right now, I want you to stop - close your eyes - inhale as deeply as you can - exhale and say the following to yourself:
There is never a right time.
There is never a perfect time.
There is ALWAYS a better time.
Then repeat as necessary until you believe it.
Comments 
11th-Apr-2005 03:06 pm (UTC)
That was beautiful. I am glad that you are lucky enough to have someone that supports you in every way possible. I'm lucky enough to have someone who is the same way, and I have promised myself I will never, ever, take her for granted. Seems as if you are doing the same - good on you. :)

I hope that you are feeling better, soon. All that you have right now is time (and support) and I promise as time progresses you will begin to see the light at the top of the abyss you feel you've fallen into.

I like how you acknowledge that there is never a right time. It took me a long time to let go and just feel what was hurting me - but now I feel so much better. Bottling things up is never the way to go.
12th-Apr-2005 01:56 pm (UTC)
It's really just life stuff, you know. I find it interesting that this is all corresponding (for me, anyway) when the earth is in a stage of renewal and rebirth. There's no beauty of Spring without the harshness of Winter. I'm just cycling, I suppose.

You are correct in that I am incredibly lucky, more now than ever before in my life. In as much as I believe in luck anyway, but you get the gist of it. /semantics

I really do chant those words to myself when I'm in a dark place needing light, sometimes until the words become incongruous and distorted and no longer make sense. It's part of my fake-it-to-you-make-it thing, which actually works.
11th-Apr-2005 03:15 pm (UTC)
...there is always a better time. :-)

hugz
12th-Apr-2005 02:03 pm (UTC)
Indeed there is.

*hugs you back*

You'll get another real one soon enough.
11th-Apr-2005 03:30 pm (UTC)
Whatever it is that is causing you pain, I'm sorry. I am sending you all of the warmth and positive energy that I have.
12th-Apr-2005 02:03 pm (UTC)
It's all much better, and thanks - I appreciate it.
11th-Apr-2005 03:34 pm (UTC)
Love you. Sometimes, some times more strongly than others, I feel you are my long lost brother. This comforts me greatly.

Here's hoping you feel better- nose stuff sucks. So does great sadness.
12th-Apr-2005 02:04 pm (UTC)
Well, we're not friends for nothing!
11th-Apr-2005 03:36 pm (UTC)
Yeah I think its been one of those weeks in particular.
For me, its amazing what a difference it makes when I get to see a friend for even as little as an hour, so my tension goes out of me
and I feel so much better prepared to face stuff. Its like when I only see strangers for long periods of time I start to have no mirror to remind me of who I am.
12th-Apr-2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
You know, it's interesting to me how much misery loves company. This past week I've had three other friends who were in the same funk. We each process differently, but in the end you're better for having toughed out the suffering and the struggle. God, that almost sounded philosophically Catholic! For my next trick, I shall wax poetic...
11th-Apr-2005 06:44 pm (UTC)
::sends you love::

{{hugs}}
12th-Apr-2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
Thankies!!
(Deleted comment)
12th-Apr-2005 02:13 pm (UTC)
You are the best, J - and that is why I love you to death. Each time I talk to you on the phone I get the feeling that we're long lost family, you're like the brother I wished my brothers could have been.

And just so you know, my mantra has teeth, is venomous, and will bite you in the balls - so play it careful with her.

D is one of the most beautiful, interesting, complex people I've ever met. He is forever surprising me, and never stops amazing me with how much he really loves me.
12th-Apr-2005 06:14 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Each day, before you get up, make the decision to see the world in the best possible light. It gets easier.
12th-Apr-2005 02:14 pm (UTC)
If I had the faculties to achieve that before being sufficiently caffeinated, I would venture a guess that it might work. I'll try it, though!
13th-Apr-2005 11:47 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for this beautiful, well-written entry that fell out as exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Would you mind if I added you to my friends page?
13th-Apr-2005 12:11 pm (UTC)
You are quite welcome, hon. If it served to help you out and lift you up a bit, then it worked. And no, I don't mind at all. I warn you now, though - I tend to go a little batshit from time to time, so just knw that from the beginning!
13th-Apr-2005 03:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the advance warning...I myself tend to also go a little batshit from time to time, so you'll be in good company ;)
14th-Apr-2005 08:02 pm (UTC)
Hey CLARITY!~ For all our differences, we're not fellow Sags for nothing! I haven't been online for a while so I didn't realize you were going through a funk, too. I'm coming out of one myself in time with this glorious spring warming. I hope your heart is blossoming, too.

ILYAIMY
love, me

(that's one of my favorite local bands, you would LOVE them and it stands for i love you and i miss you. you should check them out at ilyaimy.com i know you would like them. Rob has a grinding metallica voice and heather has the voice of an angel)
15th-Apr-2005 03:53 pm (UTC)
I'm feeling MUCH better, thanks! I'll have to check this band out, thanks for the heads up. I'm glad you're coming out of your funk also, I really have to wonder if it wasn't the end of winter blues or something.
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