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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
EXTRA EXTRA!! Time for some SERIOUS honesty!! 
7th-Sep-2004 03:19 am
Here's what insomnia and a hurricane outside will do for you! I realize how much of the bullshit I write I know is nowhere as important as some of the things I think about to myself, which is why so many of the things I keep in my journal are for myself only, and no one reads them - NO ONE. Some of that is just for my own peace of mind, some because I'm not brave enough to have it known by all. I have to keep some stuff for myself. This post is the result of feeling that it wouldn't hurt to give a little glimpse into that honesty I keep reserved. Might even help ::shocked look: to know me better, the pretty AND the ugly. Deep down I don't care who knows some of this stuff, but to keep some mystery makes me feel more complete. You should never really know everything about a person, some stuff is just for themselves.

There's a fine line sometimes between what we know is to be kept inside our brains and what - in split seconds, sometimes - goes flashing through long enough to annouce its importance with a huge BANG! that seems so totally taboo, so "I wound NEVER..." that the mere thought of someone else hearing it would be your undoing. As I get older, that line becomes more and more weak.

I know that at least part of the reason why I'm fucked-up is because of sex. Don't get me wrong, I'm a grown man and I like myself just fine, so this is not self deprecation. I've admitted to pretty much anyone who asked that in my past I was a complete whore, especially in my teens and going on until my middle twenties. I've learned to embrace that part of me, good - bad - and indifferent and just accept him. Disclaimer: The remainder of this post is about sex, and some of my own personal experiences. If you don't want to know that much about me, then I suggest you stop...


You dirty little fucker, I knew you'd keep reading. It's okay, I have nothing but respect for that and even more if you leave a screened comment after reading the rest of this shit!

Being very precocious, I was very learned as a teenager about anything I could want to know about. Growing up in the Eighties I was well versed in what was safe sexually, which led me on the other path of all the stuff you could do that was perfectly fine, if not downright normal considering the changes in how we all felt about sex at that time. I've had an acute awareness of safe sex and proper precautions, having been born in the beginning of the Seventies and growing into life since the advent of AIDS, so I always felt that deep sense of urgency to practice and insist on safety whenever I played. And knowing how not to play opens you up to all of the other ways TO play. I'm not exactly shy, and at times I'm overconfident. When you're a horny, determined teenage boy, that works in your favor - especially when you aren't afraid to ask for you want. Most of the time it helps you GET what you want. And when you have inattentive parents, you have a lot of freetime out in the big, big world.

I was that boy people grew up both resenting and also secretly wanting to be. I was that boy people envied because I knew tons of ways to talk anyone I wanted badly enough into bed, and in a lot of ways that alienated me. The best part of that was that I already knew most people were sheep and were going to think and say what they wanted anyway, so fuck 'em! Do what you want to do, keep it to yourself, and make no apologies for it - ever. And I've pretty much stuck by that notion.

I was a voracious and totally predatory teenager, too. Who really knows why, I have my speculations, but I was always ready at the drop of a hat, and crafty enough to seduce whomever I had designs on. I was very observant in Junior High and High school, I knew how it worked. Everyone felt like I did, some had the balls to do it (The Bad Ones), some had here and there experiences but saved most of it for "The Big Day" (The Good Ones), and some always wanted it but never got it (The Frustrated Ones). The Bad Ones just did what they wanted, but weren't too cool about it, didn't really talk about it, and got it whenever they wanted. The Good Ones got what they needed, never as much as they wanted, but nevertheless got by well enough. I have no clue what went on with The Frustrated Ones, that's because I was one of The Bad Ones. Sometimes even one of the REALLY Bad Ones. Which was great, because I had no shame even then and if I wanted to fuck, it was as simple as deciding on it. If you're determined enough, you can make almost anything happen. If you're horny enough, you do make it happen. If you talked too much, no one took you seriously. If you knew what to do to seduce someone, you could take them totally by surprise and MY GOD you wouldn't believe the reactions from people, some of it even I can hardly believe even now.

People you would never suspect.
People you know right now.
People you would want to know.
People who would disgust you on sight.
Girls are nice.
Boys are nicer.
Men are sometimes the best.
Sons of my parent's friends.
Friends of my brothers and sisters.
Adult friends of my parents.
The boy who lived across the street that I went to school with.
His Dad.
The preacher's son. ::evil grin::
The rich and very generous business man.
Several lowcountry boys with such strong bodies, southern accents, and charm that you can't NOT want them.
Soldiers that were so macho you wanted to fucking kick them, but just sexy and just hornily drunk enough to make it obvious that they could be persuaded.
The hotel doorman that was married and had a kid or two, while he was at work.
Friends of mine. (even some newer ones - if you want to know if I'm talking about you, ask me in private one day, I have no shame and I'll tell you :).
Former friends of mine, that I've seen a lot more of than most have.
The boy who cut my parents grass.
That really unbelievably hot trucker at a rest stop.
Guys in parks.
Guys in bathrooms.
Guys in cars.
Guys from school, even the jocks that EVERYONE wanted.
Guys from bars when I was too young to have even been in there.
Perverts like yourself, whom you meet in all kinds of places - including dirty book stores.
The guy at the amusement park when I was on a family vacation.
The doctor I "played doctor" with.

Paying for it.
Getting paid for it.
Yeah, I said it - I said all of it.

All of this in my teens and twenties.

A whole lot more that I can hardly remember, too. I'm not the least bit ashamed about it, either. There is no reason to be and you waste a lot of energy on that bullshit. It's one of the most liberating things I've ever done for myself, writing and admitting this. Even moreso because I'm putting it out there for anyone who wants to read it, whether you know me or not.

So here it is, that glimmer into my past is now yours. I think it's only fair for you to tell me now. Comments are open, whether you're on my friends list or not - all comments are welcomed.

Who were you? Were you Good, Bad, or Frustrated? Who was it you wanted to be? What about all of it, any of it?

All comments to this entry are to be screened and viewable only to me unless you specify otherwise. Be as downright dirty and honest as you want to be, so knock yourself out. I want to hear it, I'm all eyes and ears. Be as explicit as you want. Tell your friends about this post, link them to it if you want. I wonder how many people will be brave enough to respond...
Comments 
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 12:40 am (UTC)
Wow - more and more in common everyday!
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 12:42 am (UTC)
Awesome, and thank you very much for the honesty - it is highly appreciated.

I've always been on top of things, myself ;o}
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 05:36 am (UTC)
See, and the Bad Girls were invariably always my best friends. I never really knew why, but they were. High five!
(Deleted comment)
7th-Sep-2004 05:43 am (UTC)
You can read more into a look than most people if you try sometimes, you can almost read people's minds for the things they're saying that they'll never actually say out loud. It's usually the people you'd never suspect.
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 05:48 am (UTC)
See, I knew my respect for you had no bounds!
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 06:00 am (UTC)
Ditto for me.
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 07:03 am (UTC)
All I can say is that those who are too afraid to ask for what they want never get what they want.

I used to have conversations with friends when I was younger about this stuff, people couldn't understand that all I needed to have sex was a hard-on and thought somehow that I was acting out for the attention or some such nonsense. Some people looked down their noses at me, but I knew the real deal - that line between disgust and jealousy that you can't be more like someone else, someone else is having a lot of fun and you're not.

The truth is I was a complete horndog when I was younger, I had sex when I wanted, I even initiated most of it, and I never felt guilty for it. It felt good, I was totally in control of what I was doing, and I never took advantage of anyone who didn't want it that way from the beginning. I did what I wanted to do, it is not my fault that other people didn't do as much as they fantasized about. But I'll tell you one thing, folks being bitter about it sure does speak volumes sometimes!
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 08:02 am (UTC)
Sure, sometimes even the prettiest face can't do for you what a regular face can. People who look TOO good were generally never of interest to me, even though I've had my share of memorable experiences with people that were stunningly beautiful - even in retrospect.
7th-Sep-2004 08:25 am (UTC) - You know this stuff...you witnessed it
Funny how this subject keeps coming up in so many different areas of my life. I just had this conversation with about 3 different people.

This is something I wrote recently:

"
I lost my virginity when I was 14 years old...and it was a direct result of desperately craving male attention because I had an abusive father. The whole psychology of "maybe I can make him love me, maybe I'll be good enough" is so true.

I spent the better part of my teens and early twenties having sex for the wrong reasons, with the wrong people, all the while telling myself that I was liberated and smart and sassy and enjoying myself.

I am not ashamed of my behavior now that I'm an adult because I know why it happened. I am sad, though, that I cheapened myself by needing that kind of attention to feel worthy and loved. It makes me angry that my father did not treat me like I was precious, and instead treated me as a posession.

It has only been recently, after the dissolution of my last serious relationship (we broke up in January 04 after 3 years), that I began to place a higher value on my self. I've craved affection, and had many an opportunity to have that craving satisfied on a temporary level. But, I've declined.

I'm not interested in opening myself up to someone who will be fleeting, and in order for me to enjoy sex, I have to be open and genuine and bare and available. If I don't trust implicitly, love implicitly, then I'm not going to enjoy some sweaty groping in the dark simply because I need to feel someone else's skin on mine.

And I've always been too available. I was just talking about this last night--how I've always been too available when it came to who or what I loved. I give 100% of myself, my heart, my soul...and have only rarely been treated carefully and preciously."

However, despite the acute sense of awareness I have now, regarding my sexuality as a child...I can still remember the thrill of the hunt. I, too, was predatory. Imagine that. I aggressively pursued my sexual exploits with a feverish hunger that made the backseat gropings; midnight-in-the-park-against-a-tree rendezvous; naked Russian poetry; dank and musty stairwell escapes--made it all so exciting and worth it.

I don't enjoy that same kind of intensity when it comes to sex...well, not that I have any recent experience to draw from, as we all know of my dry spell...but I can say, it hasn't been intense in years.

I miss that. Part of me wants to reclaim it...pour on the alcohol and start whoring it up again. Part of me is just to tired to consider it.



7th-Sep-2004 08:38 am (UTC) - Re: You know this stuff...you witnessed it
Wow. Just wow.

I have my own abused past that you already know about, but I think it is different for boys. At least for this one it certainly was. I never thought that I was trying to get any sort of validation, it never really stemmed from any kind of want or need that wasn't purely physical and animalistic.

What I did sexually in my teens and early twenties was strictly for me, I had no agenda and I never rationalized doing it or feeling it was compulsive. Hell, sometimes it was for pure sport, just because I could. Totally seducing someone who REALLY wants you, and you're this smug little hormone with feet? I loved it!

I know what you mean about getting older, too - I don't feel unlike you do, and I think for me it's also being too tired to consider it.
7th-Sep-2004 09:11 am (UTC) - Re: You know this stuff...you witnessed it
In the moment, I considered it a sport. I felt that smugness that you describe so accurately. It was powerful to lord this control over boys...I had what they wanted, and I wasn't afraid to use it.

I totally remember the superiority I felt in the moment. The "ah-ha" moment of "see, I told you so..."

I was the embodiment of the Madonna song "Sooner or Later":

Sooner or later you're gonna be mine.
Sooner or later there's nowhere to hide.
Baby, it's time that you faced it--
I always get my man.

What humors me know is that I set my sights, I had conquests in mind...and one of them didn't come to fruition until I was a grown woman. A boy I told my Junior year of high school--Just you wait and see, you won't be able to resist--and he said he respected me too much to devalue our friendship with meaningless sex (for which he was notorious) and I believed him.

About 8 years later, we met in a bar, completely by chance...and I brought him home with me that night. I said, "I told you so."

But, as an adult...I can clearly see that the choices I was making then, the ones I was so sure about, the ones that felt so good, the ones that proved I was more liberated and comfortable with my sexuality than my prudish conterparts, were, indeed, in only partially, stemmed from a very base need for love that I did not get when I was a child and it was crucial.

Having a little girl of my own makes this point very poignant for me now...Sometimes self-awareness can be a bitch. LOL
7th-Sep-2004 10:36 am (UTC)
I have to say, if it did not hurt you, congratulations on your sexual freedom.

"If it harm no one, do what you will" is my motto.

I was one of those frustrated and confused ones in high school, but I did hook up with a girlfriend for many years. After high school, I was a bit confused about my sexuality in general, wanted to have sex with a lot of guys, but I was careful, and I put way too much emotions onto the whole sexual act. Even though I had a boyfriend briefly in my early twenties, and we had so-so sex, I feel my real sexual freedom came to light in my mid twenties, when I finally had sex with a guy who wanted nothing more from me than to have good sex, anywhere and everywhere, but still I was not confident enough to "prowl." Fear of pregnancy and disease was mostly the factor.

I probably could have benefited having sex with someone like you, who respected the sexual act itself as just fucking and see you around. The seduction and the act itself is enough, you know, to satisfy. People put too much into it. I hate that. i mean, making love to someone you love is fantastic, but fucking somebody just because you want to... can't beat that. It is a great thing to do, and no one has to judge you about it. Sadly, a lot of people who are promiscuous are so because of some fucked up thing that happened to them. And that is sad, and is a sad state of the world.

If some girl is a whore, that means her father never loved her, etc. etc. That is not true with all people.

I have often pondered - read about, thought about - sexuality and the social stigmas that have been put on and taken off of human sexuality throughout time. We are an uptight bunch. We polish it up with big fake impossible tits and glossy photos, and we tease with the short skirt and the thongs above the jeans, the half-open eyes and mouth, and the glistening pecs, etc., but I still believe that we sell the "idea" of sex, the "lure" of the act, but when the chips are down, Americans, especially, are scared and unsure of their sexuality. We put too much bullshit on to the primal, physical act. Yes, it's lovely at times, but it's more than that. We feel more that that in our physical selves. I hate that people emotionalize and therefore sterilize sex. Like we're all having sex through plastic baggies. No wonder things are so messed up.
7th-Sep-2004 10:39 am (UTC)
You should have gotten my previous comment on the later entry stating it was ok to unscreen me.

I was a bad girl, but not until after I graduated high school. Then, I got everybody I wanted... and then some. Girls, guys, it didn't matter. I was a horny 18 year old girl and I wanted sex. Now, my numbers don't add up to what you'd expect from a bad girl, because I stuck with a circle of friends... so it was with the same guys over and over again... I'd seduce them... they'd forget I existed... then I'd seduce them again. That's how it went for about 2 years after high school. Then I met my now husband... and I stuck with just him for the rest of that time up until now and beyond... hopefully for all eternity... or till death do us part, whichever comes first.
7th-Sep-2004 10:45 am (UTC)
Excellent, and appreciated!
(Screened comment)
7th-Sep-2004 01:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your reply, I am glad you dug this. I agree that people should lighten up about sex in general, there are enough prudes as it is and imposing your morality on another is never going to work.

Being in a monogamous relationship for 2 1/2 years now has been difficult, mainly because I never wanted one. Now that I'm in this one, which is SO great I cannot tell you, I see just how much good I did myself by waiting until I was in my 30's to be serious about setling down. He's more than worth it, that's for sure.
7th-Sep-2004 02:01 pm (UTC)
You certainly seem proud of yourself. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that; I just look at sex a little differently.

I gotta say I'm glad you survived all of it. And I don't just mean STDs.

I'm pretty sure that not everyone felt the way you did as a teenager. I know you know that everyone's different. Some kids just didn't want to, or knew they weren't ready. Some kids tried to be like you and got themselves into horrible trouble. Some kids just weren't blessed with your confidence, or your circumstances, or your luck. Because you know that luck had to be very much involved in your sexual past for you to have made it to where you are today. I know that sounds presumptuous, so feel free to correct me as needed.

Did you ever get beaten up? Taken advantage of? Did you ever catch anything? Ever get a girl pregnant? Ever regret one time? Ever get turned down?

I just have such a different take on it. Among my friends, I may be the baddest, except for Ben, who easily beats me. Some of my friends are still waiting to have sex. Some of them haven't had it in years. And some of them have way too much, in my opinion, to the point where it's either giving them diseases or just keeping them in an emotionally immature state. They may be doing it to act out. They may be doing it for attention. Doing it for attention isn't necessarily a bad thing, but these days it's just dangerous and can even get you a criminal record.

What of people like myself? I had a period of my life where I was definitely "bad," but I'm not especially proud of it because it was often cheap and unsafe and largely due to my lack of self-esteem. And for me, my anonymous or cheap encounters don't compare to when there's the presence of love. I know that sounds awfully bible-thumping and true-love-waits, but you know I'm not about that. I just can't be so self-congratulatory, as it's not in my nature. I'm humble.

All that said, however, you must have some great stories!

"Brave enough to respond...". Pfft. :-P

Oh, and you can unscreen this if you like.
7th-Sep-2004 02:43 pm (UTC)
I kinda figured you'd give somewhat of a counterpoint, that's why I was kind of eager to have your opinion. Pride never really entered into it until I gave serious thought to my actions, and sometimes yes - I was prideful - but in general I think I was just an oversexed kid that got around a lot, nothing more - nothing less. If anything, maybe proud of being able to do some of the stuff. There was no glamour involved for me, I wasn't bragging my exploits to anyone for the sake of doing it or to achieve some status.

I respect you immensely, Mike - I even agree with a good 85% or so of what you've said here. To answer your questions, I'll take them on one by one.

Did you ever get beaten up?
I got into fights, but the only time I was ever beaten up had nothing to do with sex.

Taken advantage of?
Sure, I asked for it and it happened several times - I'm just as fallible as anyone else.

Did you ever catch anything?
Crabs once, and that was humiliating.

Ever get a girl pregnant?
No.

Ever regret one time?
Not necessarrily regret per sé, but some were just not as enjoyable as I would have liked.

Ever get turned down?
Of course, lots of times.

I don't disagree about there being something to be said about the presence of love, but in my opinion sex and love are very different things.

I do have some great stories!

Thanks very much for responding!!
7th-Sep-2004 04:20 pm (UTC)
Are you seriously being judgemental here?

I didn't see anything advocating promiscuous behavior. I simply saw this post as a vehicle through which people could actually be honest about aspects of their lives that society tells us we should be ashamed of, all the while shoving sex and salaciousness down our throats.

We're sexualized as children, taught to desire flesh by marketing, and then judged by a group of elitists who think they're better than so many of us because they had the good sense to be embarassed by their behavior and we didn't.

We're so uptight in this country. In European countries, where sex is not this big horrible scary thing that should only be talked about as something shameful and under cover of darkness, the std and teen pregnancy rates are actually lower than they are here. There's something to think about...
7th-Sep-2004 04:45 pm (UTC) - SIMMAH DOWN NAH!! It's all good...
It's cool, his opinion is just as valid as any of the others, and given what I know now I totally see where he's coming from.
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