I wake up and what is the first thing I see on the news? "Suicide Bomber Kills 8 Near Haifa". You know what this means, right? It means that once I have my fortune that I have to start an honest news service similar to that of The Onion
that not only reports actual events, but satirizes and mocks things to the exaggerated point of being hysterically funny. I'll give an example...
"Good morning, and welcome to "The Worthy News". Yes, I realize I'm no Matt Lauer, but if you wanted beauty and not accuracy of sarcasm, then you're a shallow fuck that should really consider reexamining your priorities. Now, on with the news..."
"This out of the gaping contradiction that is oft referred to as "The Middle East" - apparently yet ANOTHER suicide bomber has claimed the lives of 8 people on a bus near Haifa, Israel. Now I know some of you are shocked with disbelief, I can sense you looking bewildered and shaking your heads whilst reciting aloud "No!! I Disbelieve!! Say it isn't so, SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!" Go ahead and slap the fuck out of yourselves RIGHT NOW for me since I cannot get there in time to do it before growing completely bored of this nonsense. We're talking about the plight of people who clearly cannot get their shit together long enough to figure out WHO HAS THE FUCKING LAND DEED before fighting over a piece of land that has only mythologic value at best. This, to say NOTHING of the lunacy in killing each other in the name of God, but then there's all sorts of glaring contradiction in THAT bullshit, and to even address that at this point is rather like stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork."
"First of all, but clearly no more important than any other logical assertion I shall make here, is the issue of who holds legal claim to this strip of land that has caused the complete devestation and rebuilding of Jerusalem some 30+ times, to say little of the surrounding areas. Have I no sympathy for the atrocious conditions of people living there who are actively not participating in this madness? Well, that depends on how you look at it. Seems to me that if I were unable to leave MY home without the likelihood of getting blown up just for riding a bus, going to a movie (unless it's a Van Damme movie, then I deserve to be frappeed in a fucking blender for poor taste alone), or sitting down in a restaurant to have dinner - then I'm probably not too keen on staying there for any length of time. Then again, I think independently of Dogmatic law and would much prefer the safety of my loved ones to any cause known to man or sky fairy. But that's me. Slap me if I get sentimental."
"Why would I leave my homeland for another safe place with little to no strife, bloodshed, and utter chaos as the daily norm to raise and support my family in better conditions and harmony you ask? Here's MY answer: ::gets a big stick...THWAP!!!... NOOOO!!:: There, now put your head down until it passes."
"Let's turn the light on before opening the book, shall we? Good! Let me conclude this news story that I'm sure has shocked people worldwide (though I'm quite sure I DON'T know why, this is all they do - fucking kill each other and never learning anything about themselves) by explaining what I personally think is the United States' involvement and why I think our presence and aid to the Holy Land is just ridiculous. First, our blatant hypocrisy; Most American citizens are apathetic to the chokehold our own lovely fundamentalist Christian terrorists put on every facet of THIS society, whether through censorship or outright terrorism. Second; we live in a society that sends millions (if not billions) of dollars in foreign aid to impoverished countries for food relief and medical provisions, yet shun the homeless and starving Americans in our OWN communities who CLEARLY have no medical insurance or access to affordable healthcare (short of Medicaid or Medicare, which must subject you to abject humiliation before even considering paying a claim)- and I'm supposed to write a check... Watch me tingle in anticipation of THAT happening. Third and final point: the mentality of the powers that be - "We're already in debt up to our asses collectively and as a nation, what's a few billion more wasted bucks?"
"In conclusion, I have a fucking nosebleed now."
I think that would be great if I could get away with it. ::ponders::