Yesterday was as close to a perfect day as I think I've ever spent when there wasn't a baby I loved being born. It was the feeling of contentment and bliss that followed me everywhere I went.
We went to the riverwalk and walked over the rocks while the water was down. We told each other stories and climbed brilliant red-leafed trees. We read books to one another and shared tea. We took opportunities when we were sure no one was looking to touch one another. We spent the day doing things that most people take for granted and revelling in the normalcy of it all, how safe and honest and right it felt.
And for a time, until he left me with his scent and his lips on mine and the knowledge that he too hated leaving me, we spent time out in public and it never mattered that we couldn't hold hands and kiss like everyone else does. There is nothing like being completely caught up in pure moments when nothing in the world is tainted, and nothing feels as good to me as he does. I think he forgot about what the shame in caring for and wanting someone like this feels like - the desire and the goodness wins and negates the shame. I told him that feeling shameful of himself was useless learned behavior, and that if it can be learned it can be UNLEARNED - admittedly though the former is a harder lesson. He's waking to this discovery on his own, though - and I'm grateful to the universe for that. The best lessons are the ones you learn for yourself. Growing inside happens when you're blind to it and make the realization after it has already happened upon you. It almost doesn't matter that I tell my friends not to say anything about him to anyone, because you just never know who knows who and this relationship is a clandestine one for the time being - how long matters not, it just is and that is that.
I told him that there isn't a man in existance that I wanted more than I want him, and that was a lie. I say that because he's slowly becoming a better man, a more thoughtful and self aware man, and I want him as well.
For the time being, I'm not sure logistically of what is happening to me - all I know is that when he's near me I can't NOT touch him, and when he's not with me I feel sick to my stomach. And it's priceless and satisfying and I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.