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BACK DOOR BOY IN A FRONT DOOR WORLD
OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY - THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE
Had A Dream About Shane Last Night 
28th-Jan-2002 09:11 am
In my dream last night, there were several people lying in a big bed watching a movie on television. I was in the middle, Maggie was to my right. I had my arm around her and she was holding onto my hand with both of hers and watching this movie. I get the feeling it was rather serious or scary, because she had that singularly occupied look on her face that I have come to know so well. Shane was to my left, but he was laying with his head half in my lap and his legs up against the wall behind me. Now and then I'd look down and every time I caught the sight of him, he would be looking at me with crossed eyes or with his face contorted into something equally silly, which kept making me laugh.

When I woke up this morning, I could still see him in my mind. It was the first time in months I had a dream where he wasn't being serious and could see him being himself when he was goofy.

There are times when I think my grief is immeasurable. Times like now when I feel it but it isn't consuming me. Now and then I'll see Cole in a certain way that makes him look JUST LIKE Shane and it nearly brings me to my knees. I have no doubt that if he were still alive, then I would have a better grip on my life. This summer will be two years that he has been gone, and I will relive every single moment of that day again as I will for the rest of my life. Staci's suicide was on June 28th, Shane died on June 30th. It makes no difference the number of years between. I hate that entire month now.

Sometimes I am so inspired by Maggie and how much she has gained in life since Shane died that I think it is possible to live again completely and not be caught up in grief. With Daniel I got a taste of that, and when he left me that was just one more thing he took away that I needed more than I knew.

Today I feel my grief and losses profoundly and I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Today is a crying day, one that I probably need despite my ludicrous feelings about tears, and one in which I alternate between feeling deep sadness and incindiary rage.
Comments 
30th-Jan-2002 12:14 am (UTC)
oh wow..
Jude (and i know you don't know me), however much pain you are enduring, it's strangely some sort of consolation for me. Not the pain itself, of course, because that would be warped. Knowing that the horrible, horrible, flesh-eating grief that comes from losing someone so close to you really never goes away.
God, how is that consoling? i don't know. Somehow it just is.
And knowing that after so long, you still have those dreams.
Maybe that's it. i don't know.
Shit.
Let's talk.
-Stella
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